7 More Mascots I Miss

In spite of (or maybe because of) my ongoing love/hate situationship with McDonald's, whatever's broken between us can never truly be mended for the simple fact that McDonaldland and all of its inhabitants has been erased from existence like Alderaan; we were gaslit into thinking Ronald & Co. never existed, and perhaps that crescent moon lounge singer was simply a case of drive-thru delirium. Unlike TV shows, mascots aren't killed off and replaced as part of some convoluted story arc; one minute you're singing Marvin Gaye songs for Sun-Maid, the next you're part of some faded nostalgia tour, playing state fairs alongside Spuds MacKenzie and The Noid. Point is these lovable heroes of advertising pack up and leave sometimes without even leaving a note and we're supposed to just get over it. Maybe I'm sentimental -- or maybe Flo from Progressive isn't filling that hole in my heart. Either way I'm not recognizing too many new (or old) symbols trying to sell me products anymore; it's as though everyone's afraid of accidentally appealing to children, and I don't really blame them - I can't go into a store without my son talking me into leaving with at least a 4-pack of Charmin because of the kinship he has with those bears. 

Point is I don't just miss the familiar faces of my precious little childhood, I miss having these colorful supporting characters to perpetuate the plot of my own life. Sometimes we didn't bother to learn their names, sometimes they didn't even have a name, but the effort was made to bring joy into our lives, and all they wanted in return was for us to consume their products. Here's a list of 7 superstars we need now more than ever. 

- Paul

Tang Trio

Tang

Existing somewhere between the California Raisins and 7up's Cool Spot, this gang of claymation lips appeared in commercials, on clothing, and as plastic figurines in the late 80s, but it was a low-key coup at best. I recall these creatures because of their striking imagery but I appreciate them much more greatly in hindsight; their longevity may've been cut short because maybe Tang wasn't really a strong player in the late 20th century - even as much as I adore these characters now I still ain't buying no damn Tang. 

Pizza Head

Pizza Hut

There were plenty of things that weren't my brand as a kid (Sega, Pepsi, Burger King) but when it came to commercials I retained no prejudice - I enjoyed every form of Pop Art regardless of affiliation, so even though I wasn't a fan of the Hut I always looked forward to the misadventures of this stale slice of 'za. I loved the "Mr. Bill" sketches on SNL when I was little and I immediately recognized the homage, but the more impressive thing to me now as an adult is the brave depiction of a food chain's main course as the dry, coagulated, rubbery triangle that it typically was. Bravo. 

Cap'n Crunch Robot

Cap'n Crunch

Josh Baskin must've loved this. Appearing only a few times in the mid 80s, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch enlisted this towering Transformer to help him defeat The Soggies. I've always had a thing for retro Atomic Age robots but having a legit Cap'n Crunch box for a torso makes it 100% cooler. 

The Micro Machines Man

Micro Machines

John Moschitta Jr. is his name and the gimmick was no fluke: in the 1980s he held the Guinness record for world's fastest talker. And when he wasn't doing voice work for the Transformers cartoon or appearing on Saved by the Bell or FedEx commercials, he was trying to sell us ridiculously small vehicles. I never really got into Micro Machines but I was never not enchanted by the magic show that was Micro Machines commercials. 

Unsinkable

Cheerios

For a brief moment in the late 80s, Cheerios had a mascot that was, indeed, a Cheerio. I'm not sure that he actually had a name but the message of all the advertising in which it appeared was "Cheerios are unsinkable", featuring a lotta sports and skating and competitive Mountain Dew-esque activities in which the buoyancy of the cereal was a euphemism for endurance. He was charming enough but the commercials themselves were lavish spectacles of cinematography and special effects. 

The Flintstones

Push-Up

Hey I got news for you - The Flintstones never went away. Even if you disregard their famously renowned and influential sitcom, they're still heavy hitters in the worlds of vitamins and cereals. Even more big news: push-up pops are still around too. But the marriage of these two cheap thrills was a secret third thing that nearly defined the 1990s with six flavors of sherbet that utilized the entire Stone Age Family and their pet. Fred & The 'Stones were a symbol of quality; I know I'd ingest any brand of poison that Betty Rubble on the label. 

Ernest P. Worrell

Various

Unless you lived in or around Nashville, Tennessee in the mid 1980s you never saw Ernest during your commercial breaks. But if you were an Ernest fan you sure as heck rented Ernest's Greatest Hits from the video store - 60 minutes of 30-second spots advertising a lotta regional stores and services but also stuff like Mello Yello and Sprite. This is an example of how commercials can be better than movies - we get an endless amount of Ernest unfettered by some extraneous storyline, knowhutimean? (Yes I'm gonna use that phrase every time we discuss Ernest.)