TOP SECRET CLOWN BUSINESS!

Hi. I'm Paul and I'm a coulrophile. That means I like clowns -- as in, like like clowns, particularly of the opposite sex. But this isn't about my weird thing, because today I'm here to celebrate all clowns of all genders from all walks of popular culture - particularly the following 10 great harlequins, jesters, and other synonyms for these colorful entertainers who simply want to make merry and bring a smile to your face. Sorry if it gets uncomfortable. 

- Paul

Candy Walker and Amanda Keeler

Batman

Nearly parallel to my obsession with The Joker was my love for these two fashion models who fell victim to the Smylex poison. Granted their deformed likenesses were used deceptively in a cartoonish way, but as a kid it seemed a lot less gruesome. After all, they look a lot happier. 

Scoopy The Clown

Carnival

Most recognizable as a midcentury mascot for Carnival Brand ice cream cones and plastic straws, but I'm just old enough to remember that joyous grin from the shelves of my pantry on Bennett Place in the late 1980s. Those very early memories also coincide with attending the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, so already some of my earlier examples of clowns involve sugar and spectacle. 

Pooter The Clown

Uncle Buck

He drives a mouse, he's got dildo jokes, and in the field of local live home entertainment he's a God! The ever reliable Mike Starr delivering his crass surliness under playful greasepaint is a performance we don't praise enough -- you can smell the booze. 

Sabrina Duncan, "Circus of Terror"

Charlie's Angels

In this Season 2 episode, the Angels investigate strange accidents at a Circus, and so they go undercover: Kelly poses as a stunt motorcyclist, Kris as a knife-thrower's assistant, and Sabrina becomes a clown (technically a mime but still). The only thing you really need to know is that Sabrina/Kate Jackson will forever be my favorite Angel, so this episode feels like a gift just for me. 

Grimm

Quick Change

When you think about it, lots of today's entertainers are just makeup-less clowns (I realize this isn't an epiphany, I'm aware of the evolution of Comedy over the centuries), but it becomes that much more obvious when you actually witness certain performers don the guise. In other words, the clown shoe fits Bill Murray without any stretch of the imagination. 

Zeebo, "The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark"

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I'm not pulling too much from the deep well that is "Scary Clowns" (the genre's so stale at this point), but Zeebo is more notable for a couple reasons. Technically he's a ghost that we barely actually see, which is so badass and a good example of why this series ruled. But presented here in his stiff animatronic iteration he is the most perfect design for a clown of this era -- because yes, if "90s Clown" isn't a subgenre, I'm making it one right now. 

Claire The Clown

Short Cuts

Anne Archer seemed to be in everything when I was a kid, often as frazzled and depressed women. Technically Short Cuts is no different, but under those red cheeks and green bangs I think I felt her melancholy more than in any other role. It's also the hottest she's ever looked. 

Bart's new bed, "Lisa's First Word"

The Simpsons

As a toddler, Bart graduated from crib to this surprisingly creative (though admittedly unsettling) big boy bed built by Homer. It spawned one of the show's more peripheral catchphrases, "Can't sleep, clown will eat me", becoming the mantra for the "fear of clowns" fad that still lingers around today. 

Loonette

The Big Comfy Couch

Ok, so I was about 12 or 13 when my niece started watching this in the mid 90s -- that's a very confusing age for a young boy, and my strong feelings for the high-spirited clown girl with the bouncy dark hair and the candy colored nose who'd lie on the floor with her legs in the air only confused me further. Or maybe not confused - maybe I was just discovering who I was. Thanks, Loonette.