Props of Desire

Hey nerd, you like laser swords? How about the ghost-catching stuff? Wizard wands? Ruby slippers? Flux capacitors? Rosebud?

There are straight up recognizable treasures, and then there are these: objects of lust that only exist as a function to their respective worlds, reminding us that we don't actually live inside a movie, and keep us asking, "Where do they get those wonderful toys?" 

Some have magic powers, some just have aesthetic appeal, all have rent-free real estate in my heart.

- Paul

The Tin Man's heart

The Wizard of Oz

I know it's just a symbolic ornament, but the reds in this movie are just beyond mesmerizing. So even before the slippers or the apples or the Witch's hourglass, this sparkling timepiece is judged by how much I love it. 

Silver spheres

Starman

I never knew what to call these. "Magic balls?" It was fine that they could manipulate the elements of his immediate surroundings, but their size and shape and dull bluish-grey metallic sheen was the only reason I needed them. And they glowed!

Joker's pistol

Batman

A solid black revolver with a long barrel was the most attractive of movie weaponry to me. So imagine my shock & awe when the Clown Prince of Crime pulled this monster out of his pants...

Toy space capsule

The Right Stuff

The Mercury Space Capsule was and is one of my favorite manmade things in terms of function and design - this gothic Giger-esque tomb looks more like it came from outer space, not the other way around. But in the film, Gus & Gordo are playing with these tiny-but-heavy duty toy versions that are exquisitely accurate. Reasonably (and practically) I just want those. 

Abraham Lincoln, Pancake Maker

Pee-wee's Big Adventure

Pee-wee's playhouse has plenty of alluring psychedelic oddities, but his private residence is where it's at. There are too many collectibles and decorations and pieces of art to absorb even in the first few shots we're given (the breakfast machine alone is brimming with riches) but the life-size Abe flapjack flipper is more than enough for me. 

Pocketknife

To Kill A Mockingbird

When I was little I couldn't really tell what it was - just a solid jumble of black & grey, but I loved the sound it made when Jem digs it out of the box. Even still, now that I know what it is, it's my favorite of Boo's treasures.  

Schwartz ring

Spaceballs

Not a mega fan of this movie, but like its source material, it's full of SciFi gadgetry and fantasy lore - working together in this sparkly ring. The fact that it's later revealed that it came out of a Crackerjack box made me want it more.

Thermal detonator

Return of the Jedi

Lightsabers or a good blaster are fine and they had their moment, but I was always so curious about the shiny hand grenade with the lights & buttons & moving parts. It just looked like a cool toy - it was a bonus that it was an explosive. 

Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Look, I just like grenades - it's the 4-year-old in me - but this blessed bomb is so beautiful that it doesn't even matter that it becomes a deadly weapon at the count of three...

Control lever

The Time Machine

Ok, so I want the whole goddamn contraption, but I'm tryna stay humble & realistic. After all, this crystal-handled wand is basically the car keys to the whole machine, so it's got relevance too. 

The box

Mulholland Drive

Really it needs to come with the key to make it a complete set. I love little ornate boxes -- even if they're filled with existential dread and waking nightmares, I'm sure there's still plenty of room for a few buffalo nickels and old movie stubs. 

Penthouse

Stripes

It's the movie that sparked my love of grenades! But they pale in comparison here; so many movies are filled with all kindsa fake literature -- but I'll take a P.J. Soles Penthouse over a Paul Sheldon novel any day.

Fingertrap

The Addams Family

There's a lotta beautiful treasure in this otherwise dark, gothic saga, but this jewel-encrusted party favor is the most attractive thing in the movie (after Dan Hedaya). This shoulda been part of Hot Topic's inventory for the past 30 years. 

Dancing Jesuses

A Clockwork Orange

If I'd had a desired aesthetic when I was 13, it could've been "Ironic Religious Iconography." Even still I love how aggressively tasteless it is, and I'd be honored to have such an elegant monument to Stanley's sense of humor. 

Microchips

Innerspace

I didn't know what microchips were when I was 5 - I still kinda don't know. Kinda don't care either - I did deduce that they were cute little candy-colored buttons that had the magic to miniaturize Dennis Quaid. Other than that I just wanted these little geometric science playthings. 

The Orb

Sleeper

When I was little I didn't understand that it was supposed to be some sorta recreational drug reference - I just liked the big shiny sphere that brought on expert physical comedy. 

STATIC SHOTS

Ads from THE SENSATIONAL SPIDER-MAN Vol.1 No.2 March 1996

Gonna try something different here. I mean like really different - we're gonna dive into Marvel Comics! (And by "dive" I mean sit by the pool and drink and maybe fall asleep until lunch.)

Newsflash for you: I'm not a comic book guy. I suppose I'm "Team DC" because I like Batman and the old Wonder Woman TV show, but most everything else (particularly Marvel) falls way outside my circle of interests (Howard The Duck notwithstanding). One of the greater upsides to this is that my colossal apathy regarding this hulking pop culture conglomerate has kept me free & clear from any educated debate or confrontation; I've no opinion on it. What I do have an opinion on are comic book ads; it might actually be more of a kink if I'm being totally honest. And there's nothing too cerebral going on here: they're just colorful artworks depicting snacks and toys - which is pretty par for the course, but I chose this particular comic because I was so tickled by the way they managed to sling every single Spidey spinoff available at the time.

Just a shade away from "Spider-Man The Flamethrower!" am I right? I haven't been too in the market for Fruit Roll-Ups or Chef Boyardee as of late, but that Little Caesar's Batman Pizza was the first and last thing in a long-ass while that really felt worthwhile in terms of tie-ins. I'm sure if I flipped through a comic that wasn't a quarter century old I'd have a better idea of what's out there. But that's not all: The Mask (who apparently had a successful enough cartoon to get a home video release) and X-Men have shit they want you to buy too!

This was a good time for cereal; they started adding faux "berries" to the mix over the infinite trend of godawful chalky marshmallows. Mercifully, the berries were round and "berry-colored" but typically tasted like the rest of the cereal - so they're more of an aesthetic upgrade. But the biggest push of this era was from the Cap'n. 

Crunch Berries had actually been around for decades, but they were given new life ca. the Clinton years, when Red Dye was going stronger than Nike Air and colors seemed to have relevance to our way of life. But I digress... I've not read the comic book - though if I had to pick I'd say Spidey is my favorite Marvel hero (Howard The Duck notwithstanding) - but it doesn't matter, because the greatest literature in this rag is depicted here in this short anecdote involving a youth trying to make new friends and enlisting the help of Cap'n Crunch w/ Crunch Berries to summon the courage and stamina to shed his inhibitions and dance his "brains out." A more cynical reader would analogize this entire story to hard drug use, but us more enlightened folk understand and appreciate the power of Quaker Oates breakfast cereals.

Thank you, Marvel Comics! That was a helluva theme park ride!

- Paul 

GROOVE APPROVED