I am completely terrified of death. They call this fear Thanatophobia. It is characterized by a person's anxiety and mind-consuming intrusive thoughts on the subject - to which I have plenty. I could be running through a meadow, in the mid summer sun, with the glint of the reflection of light bouncing off of the water in my eye, and I could still be pummeled with visions of my own demise. It's exhausting. And it's always been there, just more under the surface, hiding behind my Arachnophobia, Trypophobia, and Lilapsophobia.
For me, it's less so the "where we go" once we leave our meat suits. It's more the "how." And terror death seems like the absolute worst thing a person could ever have to undergo. And I sure as fuck hope it doesn't happen to me. Being berated by the news of the goddamn joke our world has become, mostly through own doing, only exacerbates things. Death stalks me at every turn. The chances that this fear will come to fruition is 100%. But when?
But maybe it doesn't have to be so bleak and haunting. I look outside at the decay of nature as it withdraws itself from the earth. The colors to come will radiate a brilliance that no human can not be touched by. It will entrance us to play and change us back into the kids that we all really are. And suddenly, I'm distracted. I have a thousand scary movies with people getting their heads blown off, or being stabbed in the genitalia, even eaten alive by dogs. My own private therapy session, paired appropriately with accompanying weather. And for a little while, the world is orange and unscary. Death is silly and festive. It's fun. Costumed, decorated, sweet to eat, and covering our ground in vibrant hues. I'll have this for a little while.
I'm distracted.
- Babes
1. "Without You" by Harry Nilsson
2. "Free For All" by Ted Nugent
3. "Man We Was Lonely" by Paul McCartney
4. "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel
5. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John
6. "To Love Somebody" by Janis Joplin
7. "Satellite of Love" by Lou Reed
8. "Where Do the Children Play?" by Cat Stevens
9. "Wild is the Wind" by David Bowie
10. "Take the Long Way Home"by Supertramp
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2 comments:
I definitely have Thanatophobia too. Easily my biggest fear. It engulfs me practically every single minute, every hour, of every day, and I can virtually relate to everything you have written here. But, slightly more than the how the where terrifies me more.
Ironically something that helps is the TV show "Six Feet Under" if you've never seen that. More than a horror (or Woody Allen,) my favorite drama has been a great source of therapy. Truly.
Love "Six Feet Under" also. I found the series finale to be especially moving. And I will mourn the loss of Woody Allen on so many levels when the time comes.
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