SUMMER SNACKS!

The deal is that you can eat whatever you want, and Summer will just sweat the extra pounds off.

I was sorta half-hoping to not do another installment of this - partly because I wasn't able to find any snacks worthy of my time & teeth. And then, in predictable Summer fashion, they found me. I don't know how but they found me. I mean, I wasn't even looking - that's how detached I was - but they say that's how you find what you want; and I mos def be wantin' some of these.

Let's look at some snacks.

- Paul

Reese's Ultimate Peanut Butter Lovers

Chocolate and peanut butter - now that's a winning combination! But now they're on trial separation, and peanut butter is living a sexy and slutty single life, and I couldn't be more aroused. I always felt there was a weakness in basic Reese's cups, and I always suspected it was the chocolate.

Dry, chalky Reese's peanut butter is its own unique thing, and for a limited time, it is no longer compromised by the weakness of its Hershey's chocolate shelter; it's a figurative peep show and we've all been invited to come.

Whozeewhatzit

Whatchamacallit is like God to Bennett Media, and its late 80s/early 90s ad campaign is the Lord's Prayer. And like the Son of God, 2009's Thingamajig died on the hill and has now resurrected as the divine Whozeewhatzit. Consisting of chocolate crisps and an excessive serving of peanut butter, this savior is all outta mercy and we're in for a delightfully sinful Summer.

Twizzlers Mystery Flavor

Look, I don't even necessarily like this goddamn candy to begin with. I mean, it's fine, but I'll never choose it if there's a choice. But, for the second year in a row they pulled some shit and now here we are... A "mystery flavor" - and we all love a good mystery in our mouth. As far as taste: it's that same sorta waxy, subtle sweetness you get from the traditional strawberry brand -- but better! The real trick is to stick your nose in the package and breathe deep - that's where the hint lies. It's fruity, that's for damn sure, and familiar as all hell. I might even suggest it's an attempt at a "fruit punch" medley (with heavy shades of grape). Whatever it is, it's pretty good.

Haribo Goldbears Summer Edition

I don't know what to tell you - fruit-flavored gummies with corresponding colors is a year-round experience. (Not to be picky but this is serious business.) I suppose peaches and mangoes are more seasonal than oranges and lemons (?), but what counts most is that they've tried; I just wish the bear was actually wearing those friggin' sunglasses.

But more notable than anything is the passion fruit - a true blessing to have a purple candy that isn't automatically assigned to grape. May this become a trend.

Chips Ahoy! S'mores

Ever since Nabisco's Suddenly S'mores came out back in 1990, my journey in life has been to seek out new s'more-themed snacks to fill the hole left by their departure (short of actually making real s'mores). So here's the latest: Chips Ahoy! with a chocolate center and petite marshmallows on top.

The package suggests that you microwave them for 9-10 seconds (somewhere in there), which is an extra step I was willing to take at least once to determine the reward of this effort. The result is a delightfully soft, freshly-baked cookie experience... but it ain't no s'more, and it sure as shit ain't no Suddenly S'more.

Pepsi Blue

I wasn't aware of any hype around this, but apparently it's quite sought-after in some circles -- me, I just stumbled upon it. The label is so subtle that I nearly passed it by; have you ever seen bottled soda in a convenience store cooler? It appears quite black. I suppose it's supposed to be an American flag aesthetic (?) - again, I don't really know what the campaign was, but I thought "Pepsi Blue" at least sounded cool (even if it does sound more like a fragrance). And then the label clued me in: "Berry Flavored Cola." I've talked before about my suspicion re. "berry" flavor - the spectrum is too broad for any psychological preparation, as well acting as a lazy device to deflect any criticism concerning its ability to resemble any specific fruit. I can tell you: it's appropriately sweet, but not too syrupy. But not quite bubbly or fizzy enough either. It doesn't taste like the 'blues' of my childhood (which were typically 'Blue Raspberry'), and so, predictably, I don't really know where to place it. I wish, at the very least, it was terrible so I'd have more to discuss, but the sad truth is that it's completely forgettable -- I didn't even finish the 20 oz. bottle. 

Do yourself a favor and spend the Summer with the recently renewed Pepsi Mango that made 2019 such a delight. Your tongue will thank me!