Quick Ones

• Ang Lee is Angelina Jolie with the middle cut out
• Surprisingly, most of your problems are because of Winn-Dixie
• It's not believable that Young MC's best friend would be named Harry
• People care more about baby cows than baby chickens
• Fuck Little Debbie
• No longer do people describe a potential incident by saying, "That was a close shave!"
• Thursdays don't work for me
• Stuff happens on a show, while other stuff happens in a movie
• People who TiVo "Dancing With the Stars" also think Geico commercials are "witty."
• "Same Old Song and Dance" is Aerosmith's autobiography
• To be fair, they must now be referred to as The Wachowski Siblings
• Why is the word "recital" exclusive to children?
• "The Misbehavors" is the best thing Robert Rodriguez has done, and will ever do.
• "Buena Vista" is Spanish for "Disney"
• Did B.D. Wong and the rest of the Jurassic Park personnel get off the island? Nevermind the power outtages and the dinosaurs - no boat or plane could've made it through the typhoon.
• Crushed ice is not all it's cracked up to be
• The "Play" button and the "Pause" button have been combined to save time and money
• It's okay that it's not butter
• After midnight, only a few are going to let it all hang down
• Police doubt fire was accidental. Popular belief is that it was because of Winn-Dixie

Conversation Starters

"Would you know an ingrown hair if you saw one?"

"I own every DVD version of Army of Darkness."

"That President Obama is as phony as the Holocaust."

"I lost a bunch of toes in the shower this morning."

"Montell Jordan is the only true artist of our generation."

"Here's what really happened on September 11th..."

"I was the very first member of Oprah's Book Club."

"There's a TGIF just minutes from my house."

"Let me give you a list of all the famous people who have taken drugs."

"You're not still eating gluten, are you?"

"There are two teenagers buried under my front porch."

"Here's what really happened on Lost..."

"There's this movie coming out that I haven't seen yet that is gonna be so good..."

"Why do there have to be two Koreas? Or Vietnams for that matter?"

"Man, I hope no one asks me about my suicide attempt. I just hate that kind of attention, you know?"

"Are you one of those people who gets really attached after having sex with someone?"

"List your favorite Madea movies in order."

"Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?"

"You know, this is actually the year that the Mayans predicted the world will end."

"Here's what really happened in Uncle Buck..."

Pronoun Trouble

   Firstly, primarily starting with in the beginning. No more, no less. Less is more, the more the merrier. On the contrary, in any event, at any rate, in any case, consider the alternatives. An eye for an eye, fun is fun, right is right, two wrongs don't make a right. Take a right, make a left, take an eye out. Take a meeting, make a friend, take a hike, make amends. Furthermore, that being said however, additionally up to and including the whole kit and kaboodle, everything but the kitchen sink.
   Slow down, not so fast, hold your horses, take it easy, pace yourself. Needless to say, without any hesitation, without further delay, keeping in mind one thing leads to another. Having stated that, without further ado, go with the flow, kick back and relax, take a load off, wet your whistle, go out on a date, take in a movie, dance the night away, get down with your bad self. Possibly, of course, unanimously all inclusive, no exceptions. Mother, may I? May I have this dance? Supposedly, incidentally without incident, no problem. Probably not, for Christ's sake.
   Oh, my word, heavens to Betsy! Be that as it may, so be it, baby. To little or no avail, for all intents and purposes, stay the course, don't take your eyes off the road, keep your eye on the ball, keep your eyes peeled. Nevertheless, nonetheless, nothing so glamorous, all that glitters is gold. You can't take it with you, you can't win 'em all, you can't always get what you want. You can lead a horse to water, you can do anything you set your mind to, you can set your watch to, keep the faith, be all you can be. Albeit, although alternatively for the record, in your own words, shed some light on the issue.
   To sum it up, in conclusion, let's wrap this up - cut to the chase without making a fuss. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. You can't have it both ways, but you can't make him drink. In other words, ta-ta for now. Good night, and good luck.

- P

Fifty Grades of Shay

Anxious to keep it sexy, we decided to objectify 25 smoldering celebrities by placing them into 2 respective lists. Traditionally, these could be debated amongst peers in a barroom setting. But this is the internet, and everything on the internet is true. Deal.

Paul's List

1. Heather Graham
2. Lea Thompson
3. Beth Ditto
4. Dolly Parton
5. Ann Margaret
6. Nicki Minaj
7. Anne Hathaway
8. Cate Blanchett
9. Meg White
10. Anna Nicole Smith
11. Britney Spears
12. Sarah Silverman
13. Lynda Carter
14. Robin Tunney
15. Adrienne Barbeau
16. Judy Greer
17. Kate Moss
18. Erika Eliniak
19. Michelle Rodriguez
20. Melissa McCarthy
21. Chloe Sevigny
22. Jennifer Tilly
23. Linda Ronstadt
24. Tilda Swinton
25. Cassandra Peterson

Jessica's List

1. Anna Paquin
2. Paul Thomas Anderson
3. Jimmy Fallon
4. Woody Allen
5. Winona Ryder
6. P.J. Soles
7. Madonna
8. Gary Oldman
9. Tom Waits
10. Debbie Harry
11. Keith Moon
12. Ewan Mcgregor
13. Lauren Graham
14. David Bowie
15. Bridget Fonda
16. Matthew Broderick
17. Guienevere Turner
18. Ryan Gosling
19. Asia Argento
20. Michelle Williams
21. Jennifer Jason Leigh
22. Bill Murray
23. Isla Fisher
24. Griffen Dunne
25. Larry David