"Would you know an ingrown hair if you saw one?"
"I own every DVD version of Army of Darkness."
"That President Obama is as phony as the Holocaust."
"I lost a bunch of toes in the shower this morning."
"Montell Jordan is the only true artist of our generation."
"Here's what really happened on September 11th..."
"I was the very first member of Oprah's Book Club."
"There's a TGIF just minutes from my house."
"Let me give you a list of all the famous people who have taken drugs."
"You're not still eating gluten, are you?"
"There are two teenagers buried under my front porch."
"Here's what really happened on Lost..."
"There's this movie coming out that I haven't seen yet that is gonna be so good..."
"Why do there have to be two Koreas? Or Vietnams for that matter?"
"Man, I hope no one asks me about my suicide attempt. I just hate that kind of attention, you know?"
"Are you one of those people who gets really attached after having sex with someone?"
"List your favorite Madea movies in order."
"Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?"
"You know, this is actually the year that the Mayans predicted the world will end."
"Here's what really happened in Uncle Buck..."