GROOVE APPROVED

1995: THE FUTURE IS HISTORY

Where were we 25 years ago? And by that, I ask in terms of Pop Culture, because regardless of anything going on between Oklahoma City to Somalia, we only map out the fun stuff. And yet, in all honesty, the answer to that question is: it wasn't that fun.

The payoff of doing these 'anniversary commentaries' is that they end with a list of my own favorite movies from that particular year. But, as my memory continues to serve me well, I was particularly underwhelmed by the Cinema of 1995, and the idea of doing a list left me sad in my pants. And just so you're not thinking about it the whole time, I'll be up front and tell you that you're not gettin' any at the end of this date.

Then what is there to discuss? Television? Nah. Music? Very much no. I mean, The Beatles did get back together for a minute, and that was certainly a personal milestone, but we've been over that a bit, and it's not where I'm going with this.

I was 12. My dog died, my father lost his job, and puberty was not kind to me (and neither were my schoolmates). The bulk of that year was brutal, and there was little to distract me when it came to new movies. But that's not where I'm going with this.

Where I am going is that, a quarter of a century ago, Hollywood, for some reason, became publicly preoccupied with Apocalyptic Horror, Technological SciFi, and just a generally bleak outlook - but with butter and gummi bears. The irony (or is it coincidence?) of this trend is that I was still wicked deep into Fangoria around this time, and mid 90s pre-Scream Horror is a genre unto itself; gems like Tales From the Hood, Lord of Illusions, The Mangler, Demon Knight, and Castle Freak filled my head with gory goodness. But this fun & colorful escapism wasn't always the central theme of genre pics that year -- In the Mouth of Madness may've been a blast of monsters & melodrama, but it's also the supposed final installment of Carpenter's "Apocalypse Trilogy" (the first two being The Thing and Prince of Darkness). I don't know how much that qualifies, seeing how most John Carpenter movies end on a pessimistic note - up to & including that very same year's Village of the Damned remake - which certainly falls into the Paranoia category. But to be fair, they're still paranormal fables doused in whimsy and wonder -- unlike, say, the self-seriousness of Outbreak, or the far superior but-still-slit-your-wrists scenario of 12 Monkeys. Obviously these were the movies that put me on this path, given the "situation" in which we currently find ourselves.

But it was also the year that gave us Waterworld - which is the situation we were expecting only moments ago. Though 25 years later, and it disappointingly hasn't happened yet. (of course, Dennis Hopper ain't around anymore, so it clearly wouldn't be as fun.) And it's definitely risky to predict the immediate future, which always sets us up for an eventual letdown; Kathryn Bigelow's Strange Days was playing with Y2K fears even before it was a thing. And the only disappointing things about Judge Dredd, Johnny Mnemonic, and Hackers were that they were ever made (or made poorly, I should say). I am partial to Tank Girl somewhat - I mean, there was no way it could've been any dumber than the comic. And let's face it, the casting in that movie was all-around spot-on.

Virtuosity wasn't bad - this was back when Russell Crowe was still loud and imposing, rather than falling back on thoughtful stoicism. And I don't remember too much about The Net - a pretty standard, forgettable Thriller I'm sure - but people like to point and laugh at that movie for being the most dated and, in hindsight, the least plausible. Though, at the end of the day when we've compiled a list of the worst aspects of our culture, the internet as a concept has devolved into one of the ugliest gadgets we've got going. And this business with the smartphones has become the new cigarettes - without making you look cool.

All this terror and doom - no one cared. If we were finally globally afraid of AIDS, nothing here really addressed it directly. And if Terminator 2 didn't stop us from further advancing technology, none of these live-action cartoons were gonna put the fear of the microchip into us. Actually, to the best of my recollection, if you'd asked any adult what the scariest movie was that year, they would say Kids. (I found Man of the House to be a much more damning portrayal of youth, but there ya go.)

But let's cut through the bullshit, yeah? I think you probably know as well as I what the most prophetic movie from 25 years ago would be... No, it's not Nixon -- that's so five minutes ago. I'm talking about Todd Haynes's Safe. I know I'm not the first to point out its lasting relevance in "modern culture" as an idea, but hopefully I'm at least one of the first to point it out right now - this very minute. So maybe we can get cerebral with this - maybe even surreal. Could it be that society as a whole has been free-falling into the void for some time? Is this sort of imminent implosion a cause or a symptom?

The death & disease are not fiction - they exist, the same way various types of pollution exist. The same way rising sea levels exist. The same way an Orwellian worship of the computer screen exists. The same way Jonathan Taylor Thomas exists. Is it cumulative - have all of our problems runneth over? I have many observational questions, but they're not rhetorical. Like King Lear, The Brood, or Magnolia: the fragile state of our collective subconscious may've very well cast a dark, cancerous cloud over our comfort zone, plaguing us, damning us for our sins; abstractions materializing as substantial evidence. Mass hysteria! Like Freddy or Pennywise: using our fear to make us afraid. If that seems too melodramatic, then you haven't been paying attention. I thought, just maybe, this could be the one thing that united us during this sociopolitical winter. But, of course, that wasn't the case, because everyone still had to "take sides," and so science becomes warped and molested by social media. Maybe the fault lines of the planet are congested with rivers of pink slime. And I think this slime is Wi-Fi.

Come to think of it, I nominate The Net as the prognostic bum-out of 1995. Fuck it, stop reading this, it's over anyway. Go outside without your phone and make a non-Virtual Reality friend. Or, stay home and read a tangible Sutter Cane paperback. Because the alternative is to wait around to drink your own pee.

- Paul

STATIC SHOTS

MY AWESOME MIX TAPE #7

TRADING CARDS :: 6 Promiscuous Singles

Well, it's March - the 'Part 3' of January: the one that no one wanted and leaves a buncha "unanswered questions." No matter - I always have plenty to be busy about during any given quarter, and during this nearly-nondescript month I've found a decent gateway drug to the better weather days: poring over old trading cards.

Cards have come up many times on here in the past, but I don't know that we've ever done proper introductions - which is just silliness because the subject is right at home on this site; that, plus they're fabulous starting points for a variety of topics. And the variety is vast, folks. I've maybe only kept 50% of the cards I've amassed in my lifetime, but there are still thousands and thousands for us to look at - and it'll be up to me to discriminate when it comes to what's worth our time. And so, for this first installment, we'll start hard & fast with a more challenging theme - rather than just the usual cardboard nostalgia that already infests the internet: 6 very random (but interesting nonetheless) singles that are worth a semi-in-depth look.

- Paul

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (#15) "Pat" -- Star Pics, 1992

Maybe it's because it's when I started watching new episodes regularly, but I always assumed that SNL fell into a stream of popularity in the early 90s (though I'm aware that the 80s were largely regarded as a low point in the show). Of course, my assumptions are validated by the fact that it got its own series of cards at this particular time, depicting everyone from the Coneheads to Wayne & Garth. I selected Pat for this lineup because it occurred to me that, while the sketches were completely harmless, people would easily manage to find something wrong with them were they written for current seasons. And so, it's a time capsule in that sense, but so much more than that is the Zubaz-inspired pattern that adorns the border; if Doritos had a Saved By the Bell flavor, this is what the bag would look like. In fact, in most cases, the border (or sometimes lack thereof) is the key to the whole game.

TROLLS (#11) "Lars" -- Norfin, 1992

If they'd made a Trolls movie that even remotely resembled this aesthetic, the world probably wouldn't be in the shape that it's in. Even as a kid, it felt redundant to me to take a collectible and repurpose it as another collectible. I didn't have any Trolls, but I was aware of them. I liked them. My problem with them was that there wasn't nearly enough differentiation from Troll to Troll. This concept, however - depicting them in various quaint, colorful environments - is infinitely more appealing and interesting to me, as it allows some breathing room for more personality to surface. That plus I wanna hang out in these cute little places.

HERE'S BO! (#69) "Exercising on California beach" -- Fleer, 1981

Never really had a thing for Bo Derek, which is a shame because just the idea and execution of this set is so damn sexy. The concept of trading cards - especially non-sports - is already rooted in very specific interests and niches, but Bo's playing on her own terms. There aren't too many differences from card to card; each one depicts Bo in provocative poses or glamour headshots. Additionally, while most card packs came with a sticker, "Here's Bo!" came with little mini-posters.
Why couldn't they've done something like this for Lynda Carter??

THE SOAPS OF ABC (#68) "Confident" -- Star Pics, 1991

I know very little about what's going on here, and I'm not about to go on some heavy research jag. What I do know is that this belonged to my mom, who had a pack's-worth of what I think were just publicity stills of ABC Soap stars. I'm sure I hung onto this particular single of Susan Lucci's abrasively sensual face because she was, indeed, not only the star of All My Children, but the face of all daytime television.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (#5) "Eileen Treacle" -- Topps, 1999

Easily one of the most divisive movies ever released into the wild, and part of that may derive from how it saturated the culture far beyond soaking wet. And because it was still the 90s, naturally it'd get its own set of cards. Funny thing is that the bulk of the series is just stills from the movie, which, as much as I love it, don't exactly make Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs.
But it did include stuff like this: a facsimile woodcut-type piece of art depicting Eileen Treacle -- a ten-year-old who was pulled into the "shallow waters of Tappy East Creek" by a "pale woman's hand." Unlike any & all other Blair Witch spinoffs or sequels, a little thing like this adds a bit more power and terror to the legend with the grace & subtlety of the original movie.

DECISION 92 (#79) "Major Issue - The Deficit" -- AAA Sports Inc., 1992

What better defines a decade of American culture than politics? (Aside from film, literature, music, fashion, and sports.) Although, in this case, Presidential candidacy was as fun & dumb as any of the other aforementioned enterprises with which we distract ourselves -- and, to drive it home even more, this was the 90s, man. Turning shit into collectible cards not only contributed to the capitalization of every goddamn thing, but this was a time when it somehow seemed important to commemorate every avenue of life. And so, here we are.

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