SUMMER SNACKS!

I got my lunchbox and I'm armed real well.

The whistle's blown -- Breaktime! That means let's all pile into the break room, where the trash hasn't been emptied since February and the microwave still smells like tuna casserole. Such a soothing way to unwind.

I don't know about you but I haven't seen any miraculous new snacks out in the wild, nor have I heard of anything major on the horizon. My educated observation in regards to this apparent drought is that, in the true spirit of America, the name brands chose the path of laziness and just put red, white, and blue stuff all over their already existing flavors to commemorate the country's 250th birthday. Seriously - Mountain Dew has been rebranded as American Dew. (Frankly they should just go ahead and call it that from now on.) So, in lieu of a slew of new & improved Joker products, we're raiding the cabinets of the kitchenette and turning any lemons we find into a passable sugary citrus fruit drink. And then, it's back to work. 

- Paul

Albanese Firecracker Gummi Bears

Not all of the patriotic stuff is confined to fancy wrapping -- there's some stuff out there that's made to taste like honest-to-goodness freedom! (Results may vary.) The gimmick here is that these are supposed to taste like the flag-colored staple of all ice cream trucks: The Bomb Pop. Of course, that's its copyrighted origins, which Albanese dances around in their description: "Nostalgic flavor combination of Cherry, Lemon-Lime, & Blue Raspberry. This Firecracker Pop flavor is so bomb." Thanks, Albanese, for talking like someone's aunty.

I never went for Bomb Pops (also sometimes called Rocket Pops) because, despite their undeniable phallic beauty, it was a boring flavor experience. And these 'gummi bears' have captured it perfectly - from the disruptive sourness to the overall sense of feeling watered down. Variety is high on my list of gummy criteria, and this narrow assortment of blue and red bears had no differentiation between them beyond appearance - they were all equally dull. 

Capri Sun in Bottles(!)

There are some kid things that I feel kinda stupid doing as an adult: riding a bike, playing video games, anticipating the future with trust and optimism, and drinking out of juice boxes. Juice pouches to be more specific - an act I always found to be rife with flaws. Firstly, I can't see the beverage, and as a predominately visual person, I feel that hiding the actual drink is a disservice (the deliciously neon green Ecto Cooler was the biggest victim of this). Second, I find these hospital bags of fluid to be ergonomically unfriendly, leaving the only effective way to hold & sip is by pinching the side with your fingers like a ponce. And the third reason is entirely on me: I'm completely inept at inserting the straw in these things - I usually end up with a broken container, a broken straw, and wet pants. (Picture the impaling scene from the Bram Stoker's Dracula prologue, but with juice bags.)

So imagine my glee when I found these cute 12 oz. bottles of the famously pouched nectar of the 90s. Apparently they did something like this decades ago but I musta been busy because this feels revelatory. Nevertheless! I'd heard that the flavor was all wrong, that it was "different" from the punches. I figured I'd had so much distance from the source material that I wouldn't notice. What I did notice is that the plastic bottles seem to create a mild taste of... plastic. Oh Capri Sun, will you ever win?

Bubble Yum Lollipops

No wheels are being reinvented here: Charms cornered the market on a bubblegum center decades ago, and even that was just a spin on the Tootsie Pop. But c'mon, it's Bubble Yum! It's got the Alt Rock Duck on it and everything! Honestly I'm not even a fan of lollipops or Blow Pops or anything, I kinda just liked having this bag around. 

But since I had them, I tried them. And I have notes. The pops came in four decidedly early 90s flavors: Green Apple, Strawberry, Watermelon, and Cotton Candy. No complaints there, but the tiny morsel of gum at its core (smaller than Blow Pops' I'm sure) is plainly "Bubblegum Flavor". This, I feel, is a missed opportunity to fuck shit up in all the best ways. Why not "Cotton Candy Flavor" in the Cotton Candy pop? Or, do flavor mixes: "Raspberry Gum" in the Watermelon pop, "Orange Gum" in the Strawberry pop. Or, do the "Mystery" thing: Guess the Flavor! Does none of this seem like an obvious course of action, or am I the only Millennial left alive? 

Canada Dry Strawberry Fruit Splash Ginger Ale

I became enamored with the Cherry Fruit Splash flavor during my hedonistic Cherry Orgy a while back. But the whole point of that debauchery was to illustrate how well the cherry marries to the cola. And I have to say that my experiences with carbonated strawberry drinks (along with several other fruits) can often be confrontational; unlike the casual company of Cherry, when something's labeled Strawberry, they want you to goddamn know it! 

But alas, Canada Dry has figured it out yet again, managing to keep the fruit at a safe enough distance so you don't feel like you're being pestered. What they got right is they still include that vague Ginger Ale spice, preventing it from becoming an all out Strawberry assault. (The fact that they held back on the Red Dye was a reassuring indicator.) Actually, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Zero Sugar version is actually an even better balance of ingredients. (Part of that is because I don't really like full flavor Ginger Ale, it reminds me of being nauseous.)

Heinz Ketchup in Glass Bottles(!!!)

I mean yeah, if we're rummaging through the break room, obviously a full ketchup bottle is a major find. But all roleplaying aside, this is Huge! Like Major Hooters HUGE! Many, many years ago I suddenly had the urge to start purchasing ketchup in the old fashioned glass bottles - for nostalgic reasons, for art, for science, and also because they're awesome. And that's when I learned: Heinz Ketchup in glass bottles were no longer available in mainstream grocery outlets. I was in the middle of the age of plastic squeeze and I didn't even know it. I'd heard over the years about online retailers or smaller markets selling them at outrageous prices. Many times I even came close to getting an empty one off eBay and filling it from the newer squirt bottles, but I guess I just became less adventurous over the years. 

But sometimes, adventure finds us - maybe as we're casually walking through Walmart, in search of sweatpants and clearanced April O'Neal figures, and we happen upon a full endcap of symmetrically faced ketchup bottles that would've made Andy Warhol horny. I've not done any extra reading on this promotion or have an idea as to how long it'll last or even if it is a promotion, but I know I'm alive, and to prove it, I'm living in the moment.