Knew what Christmas truly meant deep down in their heart
It wasn't a wish or a dream or tidings of good cheer
It wasn't the warm embrace of loved ones most dear
It wasn't a kiss under the mistletoe whenever you're near it
It was not the kindness of giving or a generous spirit
The joy of Christmas isn't magical, mysterious, or abstract
Oh, no, the best parts of Christmas are the parts that come wrapped
iPhones! And gift cards to Amazon Prime!
A BB gun with a compass and this thing which tells time!
Blu-rays! And Fleshlights with extra strong grip!
A yearlong enrollment in a jelly membership!
Presents and colas and tangible things!
Everything from the store, plus whatever Santa brings!
Maybe Christmas, we thought, should not be such a sentimental snore
Maybe Christmas this year, we thought, could be a whole lot more

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