TOYS ARE US : This Is War!

Barbie has been continuously (sometimes aggressively) the leader of feminine preadolescent playthings. The once and forever Queen. The Matriarchy. And what of the boys? What masculine piece of plastic wears that crown? Easy answer is G.I. Joe, but with only two prominent peaks in its popularity (with one Vietnam War in between) it felt outdated by the 90s, and by that time the adult fashion & makeup fascination of Barbie had regressed deeper into rainbows and sparkles and maternal schmaltz. So on the manly side of that coin, boy toys had to get tougher, meaner, more confrontational; the mud and the blood and the root beer. Fake guns and other weaponry had been all but banned by the end of the 1980s so we had to get our violence by some other means, and toymakers managed to turn every animal, vegetable, and mineral into trained warriors and reckless maniacs. Me, I just liked collecting palm-sized pieces of art and these punk rock sculptures fit the bill in a way that is unmatched, before or since. From Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to Savage Mondo Blitzers, the tone was widespread and the toy lines were countless. Here are 6 that wreaked havoc on the shelves. 

- Paul

Food Fighters

Mattel, 1988

I was made for lovin' these, baby. When I was very little I adored the Fisher Price plastic food assortment (particularly the fried egg); had it been socially acceptable I would've displayed them like trophies into my teen years. Fortunately you give 'em a gun and a grimace and presto: testosterone unlocked. These were some of the truest works of art from my generation - there were ten figures depicting the likes of a stack of pancakes, a hot dog, a chocolate chip cookie and every other mainstream junk food and they had names like Private Pizza and Taco Terror and they were sculpted and painted with delicious precision. 

Army Ants

Hasbro, 1987

These were so small that it took a keen eye to appreciate them, but that was part of their charm. There were two sets (or squadrons) of colors: a rich royal blue and a neon orange and both were eye-catching, but each had its own pose and weapon and facial features (which always resembled "The Puckmaren" from Flight of The Navigator) that were just distinctive enough to give credence to the collecting side of them. And again, they were without moving parts, so they could be trusted to stay in formation. 

Barnyard Commandos

Playmates, 1989

Playmates Toys was in the business of angry animals; right alongside Ninja Turtles they released this line of Swine vs. Sheep as some kinda mutant militia. Even more like The Turtles they gave these toys their own cartoon, as well as a whole set from the Burger King Kids Club - they pushed these on us hard but were otherwise too bland to catch on; the colors weren't particularly vibrant but they also lacked the immediately identifiable personality of The Turtles. Still they looked nice. 

The Original Battle Trolls

Hasbro, 1992

Nothing subtle going on here; just some cute plastic dolls from the Peace & Love Generation repurposed into monsters and madmen. I don't know if regular trolls were meant to be aimed at girls, but they definitely put these out there for anyone who wanted to play with naked woodland beings with rainbow hair but felt insecure or uncomfortable. No longer was that an issue: there were dozens of these in the guise of ninjas, pirates, vampires, werewolves, and even some Terminator and Mad Max homages. Their clothes weren't removable but they clearly had big meaty male genitals. 

Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa

Hasbro, 1992

To the best of my knowledge the TV show came first, but I'm sure it was greenlit to sell shit. Yet another TMNT knockoff that prevailed and failed in the blink of an eye - so much so that even though the figures were manufactured by Hasbro, they plainly lifted the size and shape from the Playmates Turtles line. That way, I suppose all your figures could interact in a more believable way. Whatever corpse of a CEO gave the go-ahead on these wasn't aware that it was the 1990s and cowboys were out - ninjas were in. But still, the figures looked like Ninja Turtles toys at their craziest. 

Attack Pack

Hot Wheels, 1992

Here's an example of pushing it to the limit: Monster Trucks, but like actual Monster Trucks. These were cars (y'know, for boys) with jaws and teeth on the front end that could give any Transformer a run for its gas money and get the Josh Baskin seal of approval. It was so gender specific that it was available as a Happy Meal option up against none other than Barbie herself. Gender politics aside, this is a toy that would make one helluva film adaptation.