EASTER TREATS!

We need more of this wretched season like we need holes in our hands. And so as we wind down our One Bad Winter (in a series of many) we see but a soft-hued rainbow on the horizon made of potassium sorbate and confectioner's glaze. This is our second installment in this potential series and should perhaps become a regular thing as the Peeps and PAAS continue to show no mercy and fear no evil; every year there appears to be new creations without sacrificing my constant favorites. That's the world Jesus wanted for us, and I'm here to spread His Word. 

- Paul 

Kool-Aid Jelly Beans

I hit jelly beans pretty hard in my 30s and several teeth later I'm pretty jelly beaned out. But these featured the Kool-Aid Man on the package and like some dipshit millennial I took the bait, because childhood. Unsurprisingly they taste like generic fruit flavored jelly beans, but my qualm is that the flavors listed on the back of the bag are also specifically nonspecific: cherry, grape, orange, tropical punch, and kiwi strawberry. Absolutely unacceptable. This is Kool-Aid, bro; if the flavors aren't "Purplesaurus Rex" and "Sharkleberry Fin" and "Great Bludini" then you're goddamn doing it wrong. 

Lindt Neapolitan Truffles

Never really met a Lindt I didn't like, but they mean business: I can eat one or two and I'm good for a few months/a year. Their richness is on par with doing shots of movie theater butter, and somehow this particular recipe manages to sling an even deadlier wallop: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry together, just like the ice cream. And I'm here to tell you it tastes exactly like the ice cream. 

Dr. Pepper Peeps

I'll continue to seize every opportunity to discuss Peeps - even if I'm just repeating myself: they're gorgeous little playthings but as a food (or even a marshmallow) they're miserable failures. So perhaps some facsimile of a cola could just be crazy enough to make them interesting, or at least tolerable. And they managed to do a tiny bit of both; the smell of Dr. Pepper upon opening the package was an achievement unto itself, and the gritty texture of these maroon chicks stood in for carbonation. But still I'd take an actual marshmallow (or soda) over these freaks.

Reese's Pieces Eggs

These are just business as usual, nothing new or weird, but as the Son of God as my witness I buy these every Easter Season - not because I can't get Reese's Pieces anytime I want (because I'm a grownup) but at no other time are they available in Pieces of this enormity. And yeah, size matters - very much in the sense that it's just that much more peanut butter, which makes a huge difference, especially when you mix these into ice cream (which I typically do). And while I'm a lifelong fan of the original orange/yellow/brown color scheme, these soft pastels play so nicely in a bowl of vanilla. 

Claussen Pickle Flavor Jelly Beans

The flavor so unappetizing they wrote it twice. Gross novelty jelly beans have been around a lot longer than they really needed to be - like, we get it, very cute haha. Apparently some folks eat them unironically and make it their personality, as I'm sure that's the case with these, but I won't be having that. Though even from an objective approach I gotta say these don't work: while they come in a mercifully small 4 oz. bag, the immediacy of "try one for fun" is over and then that's it: you're left with a bag of shit. And it really is shit; the strong scent of pickles immediately escapes an opened bag, but even if that's what your sick palette is into, it doesn't match the flavor of what can be best described as sweetened dill - not like sweet, like bread & butter pickles, but like sour pickles with added sugar. I hate sour, and hell, I'd prefer these were sour, just for continuity sake. I assume these were meant to symbolize Christ's agony on the cross.