7Roulette - TEACHING MRS. TINGLE

In his directorial debut, and fortunately only gig in this role, Kevin Williamson flexes his auteur muscles. Leading the cast are two 1990s sexy teen icons, that in one scene, get down and dirty, much to the wet panties of adolescents everywhere. They knew exactly what they were doing by pinning girl next door Joey from Dawson's Creek on top of 7th Heaven rebel Matt Camden, in more or less exactly their same roles. Oddly enough, this is a genre sidestep for this "Horror Master." Mostly a comedy, but a mild thriller at its base. But you aren't gonna want to laugh at any of the jokes. You're more going to laugh FOR poor Helen Mirren, whose making some cash by having to deliver these lines. It's embarrassing. But she gives it her all, because why the hell not? It looked like fun. Her performance is subtle and hot. And without this and her, no one would ever remember it. Unless you're in in it for nostalgia. C-

-Babes

This is The Final Boss. Written and Directed by Kevin Williamson? What?! I'd never seen this - all I'd known about it was that its working title was Killing Mrs. Tingle until Columbine happened, so I figured while the title change was more marketable, the gruesome content within the film would remain intact. But apparently there never was any; it's not even a Dark Comedy, it's a Lite Comedy. No criticism against the genre, it is what it is, but it isn't much. On the one hand, it never goes in the direction you expect it to go, so there's a constant forward momentum of unfolding. On the two hand, it never goes in the direction you want it to go; the film flaunts its PG-13 rating like a pride flag with big teases of violence and sexuality, even going as far as clumsily dubbing out the curse words to the point that the whole thing feels like it was edited for Saturday afternoon TV. So with minimal suspense and no likable characters it's a bit of a grind, and while she is indeed not likable (as subtly implied by the script) Mrs. Tingle is certainly interesting beyond the superficial caricature - much of that has to do with Helen Mirren's performance. And when all is said and done we somehow manage to know less about her than we did at the start - and it's not some groovy mystery where we're made to blissfully wonder, it's just lazy writing; she has more mystique than Michael Myers but less motivation. I suppose it works as a sorta televised adaptation of some Young Adult paperback, so on that level I find it admissible. Or it can simply be enjoyed as a feature film depicting Helen Mirren tied to a bed in her pajamas for 90 minutes. Your call. C

- Paul

7Roulette - THE FACULTY

Listed under the definition of "Formulaic" would be that goofy poster for the movie The Faculty. A group of oddball teens, lead by Josh Hartnett's pumpkin pie haircut, join together amidst an alien takeover. But while the plot may be contrived, and the CGI should be listed among the bottom of the barrel, there's something endearing to it. It's very possible that it's Jon Stewart, or our favorite character actress with questionable sexual orientation, but it holds my interest. It's quite reminiscent of an extended Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode. It's definitely a late 1990s time capsule worth revisiting around spooky season. C+

-Babes

How're they getting all these movies to feel the same? Everyone from Roger Corman to A24 managed to change it up now and then, and I wouldn't mind the repetition of this particular blueprint so much if it didn't already stink. But I will say this is the liveliest outing with the best performances and most interesting characters. It's also joyously clever to introduce the pod people premise into a Goosebumps setting -- or it would be clever if Kevin Williamson could hold back on the self awareness winking for five fucking minutes. (It helps that Clea DuVall is a better actor than Jamie Kennedy.) Something else I noticed (and I'm not even kidding) was that the atmosphere of a hostile and disorganized high school (before the science fiction stuff) is one of the more accurate depictions of that environment in 1998. But for a Robert Rodriguez creature feature steered by KNB FX GROUP there's next to no gore and minimal monsters, and what there is is mostly animation, and while you can feel the budget constraints throughout, nothing stings worse than when the giant cartoon alien is exterminated off camera. I feel like the rest of the movie is strong enough that with some better effects and a few dollars more it would be held in higher regard - not like The Thing because Rodriguez can't do that kinda suspense but more like Evil Dead or even From Dusk Till Dawn for chrissakes. I wanted to call it a "good movie" but instead it has terms and conditions of the more descriptive "better than a Scream movie." B

- Paul

7Roulette - NIGHTWATCH

This movie wants so terribly to be edgy and inventive. Often shamlessly ripping off better thrillers such as Seven; mostly Seven. Actually everything rips off Seven since 1995. I do have to applaud its exhaustive efforts though. Featuring, very likely, a padded out rewrite from Steven Soderbergh, this movie feels like borderline late night Cinemax. A who-done-it sexy slasher, enhanced with necrophilia flavor, if you're into that sort of thing. The half assed attempts to steer you from the killer are eye rolling, but it's fun to watch a very young Ewan find his American accent and act off Nick Nolte. It's definitely missing a heart, as you don't really care about anyone or anything that happens to them, which is critical in a maniac movie, and more often than not, severely lacking in general. All in all it's a fun little throw on, but I wouldn't watch it again. C

-Babes

Perhaps even more than Scream, the movie that was determining the direction of all other Thrillers was Se7en (or, as it was then, Seven). It's so overwhelming in this studio's pictures, and not just the Crime stuff but the Science Fiction too. And yeah we can point and laugh and compare and say "well this is certainly no Fincher" but sometimes clumsy ripoff can come across as adequate substitute. It's a remake of a Danish movie from '94, both directed by Ole Bornedal (this version cowritten by Steven Soderbergh), and I'm only able to assume that some abstractions were lost in translation. Otherwise it's a very standard whodunnit with more than enough atmosphere to spare and red herrings so transparent they're basically pink. But these are the sorta elements of all the Thrillers of the 80s and early 90s that I grew up with so there is some kinda weird comfort in playing the game, regardless of how primitive it is. It's a strong cast with an uneven workload: Patricia Arquette is squandered mostly because her character is useless. Josh Brolin has the juiciest role and he chews it with a shit eating grin, and Nick Nolte is actually low-key brilliance. But the true standout is Alix Koromzay as the prostitute who lives in a constant state of fear and self loathing. This is good middle-of-the-night cable schlock; that's how I first saw it and that's where it belongs. B-

- Paul

7Roulette - PHANTOMS

I'm ashamed to admit that I have some skeletons in my closet. Movies that I used to like, and now I've seen infinitely more and better films, I know that they're complete shit. Phantoms ranks high on this list. Bad editing paired with worse acting, and hot-of-the-moment B- and C-list fan favorites. Lest we forget prestigious and respected thespian Peter O' Toole, trying his damnedest to convince us to keep watching. Unfortunately even Lawrence-of-A-fucking-rabia couldn't persuade me. 

I have no idea what this is about and I'm a goddamn genius. Are they aliens? Are they a prehistoric species trying to rise to the top of the food chain? It's very likely it's some third option that went completely over my head and into the toilet. Even the big bad itself doesn't know what it is. Sometimes it's spooky, silent, and unwavering, and other times it's quippy and toys with its prey. In any case, it's very confusing and boring. And why did I ever like it you may be asking? I must admit, I have always been greedy for anything sci-fi horror, and I was way more forgiving in my youth. D-

-Babes

For a small indie studio owned by another small indie studio they tackled quite a few SciFi stories with big ideas. The bad news is the ideas were never anchored with an adequate script and the budget was too small for proper creatures. The good news is that there's an old-fashioned charm to their monster movies; watching Phantoms I couldn't shake the feeling that I was on a date, and that this was not at all dissimilar to any 1950s Drive-In B-movie. I usually don't respond to "camp" but it really is the best thing going for it, complete with Peter O'Toole in your typical John Carradine role, everyone's either military, law enforcement, or scientist (plus one useless damsel), and there's a laughably simple (yet overly complicated) solution to the whole conflict involving syringes full of pure deus ex machina. Director Joe Chappelle doesn't seem to have a grasp on suspense (he did Halloween 6 so I don't wanna hear about the rest of his resume) and once again Liev Schreiber is the only fun one in a cast of otherwise competent people (I guess I'm becoming a fan). The monsters are too abstract to be interesting or scary and everything else is too ham & cheesy to be Psychological Horror, so I suppose the movie doesn't "work" in any rudimentary way; the desired claustrophobic mood is ineffective when you're on a styrofoam soundstage and the main threat can't decide if it's Pinhead, Freddy, or The Thing. Still, it's mercifully short and only sometimes boring, so in the most condescending way I'll say it's so-so. B-

- Paul

7Roulette - THE PROPHECY II

The final decade of the millennium was filled with paranoia over biblical revelations coming to fruition, worldwide electronic destruction, and a vision of the second coming. This completely fictional calendar period (as if accurately marking dates and time is even remotely a real thing), sent the average slack-jawed yokel to the brink of insanity. And there stood the film producer, lucratively rubbing his hands together, eager to reap the financial benefits over whatever cinematic tripe they are gonna spew at you to play right into all of those ridiculous fears.

At the helm of this stood the Prophecy series. Part 2 is littered with character actors, lead by Chris Walken as Gabriel, the angel that God turned his back to. His cohort throughout the feature is played by Brittany Murphy, as a love-sick teen whose attempt at suicide fails, and turns her into a murderer. She is now shackled to the damned divine being forced to do his bidding. And that's really all this film has going for it. There's this whole other story in here involving angels, celestial pregnancies, uniting humanity with heaven, but it's muddled and tired. And I could say that the effects are bad, but they mirror modern Marvel movie effects, so does that make them good?

As far as movies go that peripherally focus on religion, it's forgettable. But then again, a special edition bluray of the first three has me enticed. So maybe it's not so bad after all. C+

-Babes 

I haven't seen the first Prophecy in about 25 years, and as it turns out it doesn't really matter; this movie has its own (sorta) plot that narrowly makes mention of the events in the previous film. Understandably so, as the subtext of the story is a war between angels that goes back thousands of years. Danyael (Russell Wong) has a dramatically edited sexual encounter with Valerie (Jennifer Beals), impregnating her with a half angel, half human baby. Gabriel (Christopher Walken reprising his role) shows up to try and kill Valerie because he's the bad guy, and so there's some cat & mouse stuff leading up to a halfhearted showdown. But "halfhearted" sums up a lotta aspects of the movie: there are exciting stunts and dazzling effects and entire set pieces that occur off-camera, often clearly intentional to save cash, and sometimes clearly on editorial decisions made by the execs with said cash. The film achieves its melodramatic spookiness in very short bursts but the main thread is largely comprised of expository dialogue and is too convoluted and dull to remember. Something that is entirely memorable is Christopher Walken's performance (doing one of his best Chris Walken impersonations here) - his delivery makes it seem as though he's reading from a different, better script. Early on in the movie he recruits Brittany Murphy as his sorta zombie slave and their scenes together are substantially more entertaining than anything else here. I don't know if they have enough screentime to recommend the movie as a whole but I'd certainly revisit a feature of just them. C+

- Paul

7Roulette - SCREAM 2

I've seen the first three of this neverending franchise. Back then, I was always partial to this one, mostly because of Laurie Metcalf who, let's face it, can elevate anything she graces her presence with, including, but not limited to, the Roseanne reboot. But upon revisiting, not even her comedy gold could hold my interest. I didn't care about any of the characters, the movie was clearly shot by Courtney Cox's inexperienced cameraman sidekick, and the screenplay was written by a toddler. It was made strictly to make money, and art played no part in it. It lacks in grabbing its audience for repeat viewings and I'm shocked that it can be classified as a horror classic. In fact, I'm just embarrassed I ever liked it in the first place. Thanks, but no thanks, Wes. D-

- Babes

I'll immediately go on the record and say they smoothly and believably sequelized the first movie in a satisfying way (to those whom it would satisfy). Having the same director, screenwriter, and cast certainly helped when it came to comfortable repetition with a passable excuse - not that logic and continuity were deep concerns of mine, I didn't really like the first one. Like any good sequel the pace has more energy and we get a buncha new locations. The performances feel a little more seasoned with Liev Schreiber and Laurie Metcalf adding a much needed third dimension (no pun)... Is it totally transparent that I'm struggling to find all the positives here? The first one turned me off so badly I never came back so this one was new to me, and as it turns out I still can't tolerate Kevin Williamson's dialogue - I know for a lotta people he's the best thing about these movies, he's just not my brand. But what I was struck with most and more than ever before is just how amateurish Wes Craven is as a visual "artist"; I'd always dismissed him as someone with no consistent or identifiable style, which for most of his career is probably true, but from what I've seen in these movies is that he'd tapped into some kinda ABC Movie of the Week aesthetic with sloppy dissolves and manipulative jump scares that are too obnoxious to be ironically funny. And that's always been the excuse: when something's dumb or predictable in these movies they label it intentional and hide behind "satire." Well they can stop hiding, because I've found them. C-

- Paul

7Roulette - MIMIC

The absolute worst characteristic about 1990s Dimension Films are the half-baked recuts by the dunderhead Weinstein producer brothers. I am absolutely certain that stripped of their creative control, that some of the films might be a little bit better. Guillermo Del Toro is notorious for disowning Mimic. Very little of the feature resembles his original vision and he was plagued by producer involvement. They didn't feel it was scary enough. He was threatened with his job, and unfairly treated by the delightful duo on a regular basis. It wasn't until the film's lead actress, played by Mira Sorvino, stepped in and defended him, that they backed off. They were frightened of ruffling the feathers of their homeboy, and current love interest to their leading lady, Quentin Tarantino. Del Toro has since recut the film into a Special Director's Edition, that while is not his perfect movie, is more in line with what he saw for it.

I'm not sure if this is the one I watched or not. I would attest that Guillermo has a distinct style, very golden, and I feel that was missing. It felt very director-for-hire, and less auteur trying to prove himself worthy. There's a fascinating story here, a unique sci-fi horror, that separates itself from that traditional insect terror picture show. At his best, I'm not sure if Del Toro could have brought this tale appropriately to life, but allowed more access to the drivers seat, it surely would have had less problems, and would have looked better.

Purely intellectually, I like this one. You can catch glimpses of an ambitious amateur trying to find his voice, if only it wasn't squandered by a couple of money hungry business men. It's a solid B at heart, which the director consistently seems to maintain for me, but in the end, after all of the interference it's just a C.

-Babes

Guillermo del Toro is renowned for creating imaginative fantasy worlds populated with bizarre creatures. In Mimic, he shows us the New York Subway System inhabited by giant cockroaches. Never really been a fan of his and this movie certainly didn't help; disregarding whatever limitations the production put upon him, the effects weren't there, the suspense wasn't there, the characters rest on a narrow spectrum between burlesque and bland, and a boring location that had plenty of potential but instead left me in this spatial disorientation that was less Escher and more Ed Wood. A giant bug Creature Feature has so much promise either as a campy homage or an intense gross out, but this is very much neither; this is a self-serious cautionary science fable with some forced bureaucratic exposition and some police procedural stuff (at least there wasn't any military bullshit). There's one sweet peripheral subplot with Giancarlo Giannini and his "gifted" son that feels most like a Guillermo movie that I would've very much liked to've seen in the forefront - though I don't know if that would've helped the murky cinematography and cartoon roaches. This is a guy who's known for his makeup effects and they're used sparingly here, though when they are they're icky goodness. Again, I would've preferred more of that over sneaking around in the dark with a false sense of fear regarding CGI creepy-crawlers. D+

- Paul

7Roulette :: October 2023

Part of this season's theme was stepping outside of our comfort zone, and with this year's set we've left that zone as a bloody crime scene with bad dialogue and shitty music; 7 movies that aren't exactly on our radar but incidentally defined the latter half of the decade, thanks to those delinquent Weinstein siblings and their meddlesome stepchild company Dimension Films. This was their label for movies that weren't nearly prestigious enough to have the glorified "Miramax" logo attached, and they rewrote, reshot, and recut most everything - that is until Scream came along and made some bank. This month's 7Roulette is a selection of seven movies that they not only distributed but actually produced, so you know this is quality entertainment, folks. There's some new ones on here for one or both of us, but with the distance they're all pretty fresh; we'll begin our marathon on Monday, October 23 and starting the 24th our reviews will commence. This time, terror comes from below. Waayyy below. 

• October 23rd Mimic (1997)
• October 24th Scream 2 (1997)
• October 25th The Prophecy II (1998)
• October 26th Phantoms (1998)
• October 27th Nightwatch (1998)
• October 28th The Faculty (1998)
• October 29th Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999)

In bed with THE ICEMAN

Growing up with cable television in my bedroom no doubt deprived me of more than forty winks throughout my youth. The TV remained on all day, but more importantly all night as well, and because of this I got to see a lot of great nudity and a lot of scary monsters. Though apart from just generalized Adult Content, I discovered an endless wealth of more substantial media that kept me awake in more exciting ways: indie features, music videos, TNT's 100% Weird, public access, and classic TV reruns. But one of the biggest late nite staples was documentaries: PBS aside, this is when The Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel were focused on history and nature as opposed to risky careers and circus freaks. But most notably, True Crime didn't have as much coverage or shameless popularity as it does today, so when it struck, it struck loud, and one of the best sources for this subject matter was HBO's America Undercover. 

Sometimes sexy, sometimes scary, sometimes gross, always riveting snd informative. Yet through all the weird and wild tales they told me, the one that haunted and fascinated me the most, and just became one of my general interests, was called The Iceman Tapes: Conversations With a Killer. 

First airing in 1992 and running just under an hour, the main thread of the documentary is an interview with Richard Kuklinski from inside the walls of Trenton State Prison where he was serving multiple life sentences for multiple homicides. The show also talks to prosecutors, investigators, the undercover cop who caught him, the coroner who performed autopsies on his victims, and Kuklinski's wife, who along with their children, claimed to have no knowledge of his life as a serial killer. There are a few photos and some sparse lo-fi reenactments throughout, but the real heavy set pieces are the on-camera confessions of "the devil" himself. 

He spends much of the interview as laid back, pensive, stoic, and reluctant but forward. When asked how many people he's killed, he's thoughtful throughout a pregnant pause and lands on "...over 100 people." A number that high just dissipates into a statistic, but the remainder of the interview fleshes out nearly a dozen of those murders and you start to get a sense of not just a history of violence, but how a sociopath isn't just one grey marker streak through a psych evaluation; through heredity and environment this man was made to take lives without remorse, and we get to hear him explain.

At this age I was already aware (dare I say fascinated?) with Manson and Gacy and Jack the Ripper (not to mention Silence of the Lambs and Goodfellas) but to curl up in the corner of my bed and see and hear a real life mass murderer describe various ways to take a life and dispose of a body made my darkened bedroom that much blacker. His accounts are delivered with a sinister nonchalance that comes across like a campfire tale, with just enough detail that leaves room for your own imagination to pull from your sickest ideas to fill in the rest. It challenges anyone of any age, but as a 9-year-old it forced me to confront not just the horrors of the world, but of my own mind. 

I suppose it's not appropriate to have a "favorite" serial killer, but anyone who's interested in this lurid realm of humanity knows what I mean when I say that Richard Kuklinski has always sorta been "my guy" when it came to real life monsters. The details of this doc stayed with me throughout the 90s and the episode may've even been repeated a couple times, so imagine my shock and satisfaction when HBO produced a legit sequel: released in 2001, The Iceman Confesses: Secrets of a Mafia Hitman brings us back into prison to talk to Kuklinski once again to give the graphic details, as well as expand on his supposed connection to the Gambino Crime Family and his very supposed connection to the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. It's been asserted that some of that may've been fabricated, as he was known for not living an entirely honest life, but he clearly mixes lies with the truth - he may embellish his mob ties to maintain some sorta status, but his accounts of rage and apathy and murder and torture are too imaginative and sincere to be false. 

Note that I've not actually explained much of who he was or described what he's done, and that's intentional: partly because there are too many intricate and violent anecdotes that I'd basically be recounting the documentaries kill for kill (but without the gravitas or necessary inflection to make me sound like less of a deviant), but mostly because I encourage you to watch them on your own and see if you find them as engrossing as I. Granted you're not a little kid in his room with the lights off on a potential school night, but see if you draw the same kind of morbid inspiration I drew from them.

What I mean by that is that these stories stayed with me throughout the decade, to the point that my imagination convinced me I'd actually witnessed them. Ultimately by the time I was 18 and the followup installment came out, I attempted to write a feature length biopic -- which became difficult after about 60 pages when I couldn't figure out how to make such an unlikable protagonist function in a traditional narrative. In 2012 they finally did put out a movie titled The Iceman with Michael Shannon (eerily excellent casting) as Kuklinski, and sure enough it was watered down and under budget and overly sympathetic and forgettable. Don't bother. You want scary stories with a memorable monster this season, go watch these America Undercover episodes that are way more fulfilling than any Saw sequel or Exorcist boner.

- Paul

ghost pepper

BENNETT INVENTORY : That Moment (Scariest Non-Horror Movie Moments of the 90s Edition!)

Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka, Raiders, Roger Rabbit -- we know all the regular ol' movies with unexpected detours into pure terror - they were a rite of passage that callused us for harder viewing. Doesn't seem to be much of a thing anymore as pace changes were abandoned both within and without Cinema, but the 90s still had several to offer. There were certainly plenty of Thrillers that had me on the edge of my seat and Actioners that blew up a lotta heads, but these are 5 movies that barely insinuated a truly scarring experience and yet provided them with little or no consent. And for that, I applaud and cherish them. 

- Paul

Ghost

Highway to Hell

Apart from the central thread of Patrick Swayze: Ghost Detective this movie's other main purpose is to suggest a possible reality of the afterlife. Once I was in that mindset I was ready to believe the fact that bad people are dragged off into some unseen netherworld by groaning shadow people. That was a more effective incentive to not do crimes than Jesus, Santa, and Robocop combined. 

Eyes Wide Shut

Where the rainbow ends

Can't even mention this movie without spiraling off into a thousand word essay. There's a general understanding that some or all of this movie takes place in a dream - intentional or not, I've always found that explanation to be a flimsy attempt at a self-satisfying logic; one could take that approach toward all his movies because they all feel this way. On more literal terms, when the two masked patrons simultaneously look at Bill, their pace matching the speed of the zoom in, it's the most accurate onscreen depiction of what my own nightmares feel like - even more so than anything in The Shining. 

Trainspotting

Baby Dawn

Of the countless number of movies (and books and TV shows) that made grotesque attempts to get the glamour out of drug use, this moment sums it up most effectively. Nevermind the quirky fever dream doll on the ceiling - if anything that made lite of this otherwise horrific reveal that even straightforward scary movies don't mess with too much. 

Casino

The powers that be

If anyone were to ask me what the most violent movie I'd ever seen was, it's not some Spaghetti Zombie flick or New French Extreme buffoonery, it's still Casino. That's due in part to context, but also because of the actual onscreen graphic content, and I don't imagine I'll ever see anything as brutal and shocking as Nicky and Dominick's death in any other movie not labeled as "Horror." 

Dumb and Dumber

Lloyd's fantasy 

Everyone knows that Kung Fu Movie violence has a blank check for madness that's beyond reproach. Though I'm not sure I knew that when I was 10 or 11 or however old I was when this came out; it's played for laughs, and I laughed, but cripes I wasn't in the frame of mind for internal organs, no matter how bloodless. 

It Came From FANGORIA ep. 8

Party like it's Nineteen Ninetysomething

"Life is long if you know how to use it."

- Seneca the Younger

We here at Bennett Media spend a lotta time combing through the past, but in reality we truly do live in and appreciate the moment. We are guided by tradition, routine, and nostalgia, but seasons change, wisdom grows, experience is accumulated, and if you know what you're doing, everyday is Halloween. 

What do I mean by that: spooky movies and seasonal coffee? Yes, but also very much no. Life can either be a trick or a treat? Also true, but I'm not actually trying to be that literal with the analogy. All I'm saying is that if you have the tools, you can celebrate any change in weather, you can decorate for any occasion, you can indulge in the food, films, music, and literature that excite you regardless of the calendar month. We assign certain fashions to certain dates to spread them out and keep them fresh - that & candy corn is only available in the Fall - but really the poetry and poisons of this bitter Earth are here for our pleasure, and so we (the royal "we" but all are welcome) participate in the dance.

We spent our entire summer this year in the narrow gutter of 1993 with tinted blinders on to anything that didn't jibe with that vibe. It was a fun experiment that was successful in that the time travel experience was fully realized and deeply felt - at least by me. This month we're sheltering into the entire decade of the 1990s, and all that mostly relates to is movies, music, TV, and books and magazines. But venturing into a little novelty excursion like this, we mustn't let ourselves relinquish our grasp on Halloween, in this current year of our Lord or any other. 

Those who damn nostalgia as a frivolous or even dangerous undertaking clearly do not observe holidays (or ever intentionally listen to the same song more than once). There's a growing trend whereby folks construct a Halloween Mood Table, a sorta seasonal shrine that can encapsulate one's observance into a designated corner. Of course if you have any motive for interior design you're gonna have trouble finding space for this transparent gewgaw what with all your everyday balloons already taking up so much room. And so amongst our weaponry we've adorned a newly acquired coffee table with the '86 McDonald's pails (which resemble the 1990 set just enough to stay in line).

Within these pails is Halloween candy ("Fun Size" if they're Mars, "Snack Size" if they're Hershey). But the most fun snack I've seen this year are the Reese's Skeletons - not because they're any kinda fancy new recipe (just chocolate and peanut butter) but they're individually wrapped in foil works of art that harken back to Palmer's Monster Munny that I so richly adored. 

The point of this year's rigid theme was to break out of some of our more recent holiday traditions. But in doing so, we nearly forgot it was Halloween: Suspiria, Snickers, Sangria, and the whole zombie parade of necessary necessities that have nothing to do with the 1990s. I do not yet feel deprived and if I feel the need I will indulge because the whole point is that there are no rules and that's what makes it exciting. However! If there's one timeless celebratory measure that anyone can take, it's decorating. Whether it's a cardboard witch, a rubber bat, an acorn-scented candle, a block of wood from Michael's, a 20 foot tall lawn skeleton, or a legitimate mood table, leave something around to remind yourself that everything's okay (but still spooky). If you choose to accept this mission (or it's already just second nature to you), comment with your photos on our Facebook or tag us on Instagram and X -- even if you just bought a mini pumpkin at the grocery store or your lock screen is a picture of Elvira, we wanna see your freak flags. And if not I'll still show you mine because that turns me on.

- Paul