MiLK

MY POSTER PAST :: part 8

I'm bewildered by people who don't hang things on their walls. When I'm in someone's home and I'm faced with bare enclosures I'm overcome with some kinda urgent loss of equilibrium; how does one live or even function in such a vacuous void? I'm pressed to question their mental health, but more often their intelligence - not in an irate manner, but more of a pity approach. Aw, that poor stupid idiot. Or perhaps their minds are filled with such wondrous imagery that they've no need for external stimuli of any kind. They must be the folks who watch movies to "turn their brain off" - their intellectual stamina requires a lotta naps. 

I digress, sorta. Point is, some striking artwork in my everyday field of vision was and is an easy passion to hook into. As noted, we're eight chapters into this exploration and I've barely approached adulthood. And I share these with you not as an invite into my own boring nostalgic recess but mostly as an extra branch of Art Appreciation; outside of symbolic mile markers of whatever I was into at any given time, it's important to note that these masterpieces of mass produced merchandise are still out there - some more easily attainable than others but all readily available for you yourself to own and ogle. Consider this your marketplace of fine art and design. 

- Paul

Madonna

One day, unannounced, a traveling art print vendor set up shop in the lobby of the main building of my college for what seemed to be a single afternoon, and I was lucky enough to be passing by at that right moment.

Madonna's been in the spotlight my entire life. And so, at the age of 20, after two whole decades of being on this planet the same time as her fame, this 24x36 Holy Grail was a well earned reward and a more fitting monument I could not imagine. (Except for my Blank action figure.)

Lord of the Rings

Yeah, I had a Lord of the Rings poster, what. I didn't get it because it was Lord of the Rings - my father had the books but I wasn't gonna read 'em. I wasn't even entirely aware that this was a depiction of any previously published material - the "Lord of the Rings" typeface was so barely legible that I didn't even notice it. This was around my mystical wizards and magic spells period and this detailed illustration spoke to me. I'll tell you, had the movies looked anything like this, I wouldn't be constantly bitching with every breath. 

Consumer Advisory

I was 11 or 12 and was immediately drawn to any image with the most nudity. Unfortunately at this time in history that meant a lotta blondes with fake boobs, which wasn't really the vibe I sought. This one, on the other hand, was such a zenith of smut that I was excitedly embarrassed to own and display it. And because of the angle of the photograph and the anatomical infatuation I share with both Sir Mix-A-Lot and Lt. Vincent Hanna of the LAPD, it became a sort of centerpiece.

Freddie Mercury

Decent Queen posters were a bitch to come by in the early 1990s. However, Freddie's death did prompt some new (though uninspiring) art and I was so desperate I took what I could get. There was a whole wealth of imagery that I wanted so badly to be on a poster (namely the other members of the band) but I was instead cornered into advocating AIDS awareness. Whatever, it was the 90s. 

Playboy

For all the bathing suit cheesecake festooning my chambers, this one held the most intellectually carnal subtext of all the airbrushed T&A in my gallery. Ever since I was conscious of popular culture, this name and logo was (understandably) emblematic of Nudity and Strong Sexual Content. It felt grownup, sophisticated: I don't require actual photographic depictions of breasts when it's explicitly implied by this all-encompassing symbol. It's like the Bat Signal - it lets them know he's out there. 

STATIC SHOTS

1988

Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion

EASTER TREATS!

More than Summer, more than Christmas, more than Valentine's Day, even more than Halloween, Easter Candy is King of Kings. The whole pastel aesthetic is such a delight and an exciting indication of Spring's arrival, but equal to (or perhaps greater than) that is the quality and inventiveness of the candy itself. I mean an egg is a beautiful shape: you can make them out of anything you want, fill them with anything you want, color them however you want; it's just a rainbow medley of perfect ovals filled with divine flavors and their remarkable abundance creates a pronounced facelift for any retail outlet. It's no easy feat disguising a CVS as a world of pure fucking imagination, but that's the power of Christ (and Cadbury) and we should give prayer and thanks to whomever for brightening our world for these coupla months. 

I have plenty of favorites and go-tos but I wanted to share with you some oddities and newcomers that may or may not be worth your time (and mine). 

Walk, don't run, rabbit. 

- Paul

Marshmallow Crispy Treat M&Ms

It's a startling revelation to finally realize that I'm not an M&M guy - they're just sort of daunting and aimless. So when these novelty ones come out my hope is for a little excitement, and I get some of that before the inevitable boredom. As suggested by the non binary character on the package these probably work best when baked into a larger confection - they're ridiculously small and the colors are drab. But on their own a good handful does create the impression of a Rice Krispie Treat.

Froot Loops Jelly Beans

I went into these with a confident skepticism: I'm sure these taste exactly like jelly beans. I shit you not, dear reader, these taste exactly like Froot Loops! Green, purple, yellow, all have different flavors and all taste like they're part of a complete breakfast. How'd they do that?? Now, I love jelly beans, and I love Froot Loops... but this is a troubling adventure of curious mouth feels; I'm eating them out of sheer amazement but it's not satisfying any snack cravings. 

Jelly Belly Sparkling Water

I always fall for sparkling water - with every sip I'm expecting to taste something like soda and then I'm like "what the fuck is this, where's the beef?" But somehow I thought Juicy Pear would be the right amount of blandness to compliment an already dull experience - and boy was I right: it's a good time if you're looking for a sense of a delicious beverage in your mouth that slightly burns your tongue. 

Fruit Punch Peeps

Peeps are like oil paintings: beautiful to look at but taste just awful. I've had marshmallows, they're not supposed to taste like this. But these offered the possibility of maybe a different sensation: better flavor = better Peeps? The result was like snorting Kool-Aid powder while simultaneously pouring Hawaiian Punch into your eyes. Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. Again, another promise of a specific flavor fulfilled, but the decadence is so overwhelming that it feels almost criminal. 

Peeps Pepsi

Apart from their aesthetic beauty, Peeps have a soft, pleasing texture. You take away both of these elements and we might have a problem. Credited as "Marshmallow Flavored Cola" it's not too dissimilar from all the Mystery Flavors Coke has been putting out -- that is to say it's exceptionally sweet to the point of palate disorientation beyond any truly discernible seasoning. It tastes better than the candy (though I was good after 1/3 of the bottle) but I wouldn't replace it with the true symbol of the season. 

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