And now you find yourself in '82

Well I've gone & done it: I've immersed myself in a year "before my time." But really, isn't that the fun of the journey - to time travel to a moment before your own clouded awareness? Most fools dismiss an exercise like this as too difficult or pointless. But you'll appreciate it.

I was born in '83, and while my consciousness wasn't yet entirely about me, I'm confident the mood in the room was probably not too dissimilar from the year before; Duran Duran and Culture Club dominated the charts, Dallas and Magnum were the popular shows, and MTV and VCRs were still fresh novelties. The U.S. was in the throes of a major recession. Letterman debuted. Thriller was released. The Reagan years. It all sounds like a campy cliché, but we have these totally awesome multimedia artifacts as enduring proof of its awesomeness. I suppose that's the point of pop culture and art; I could talk about the unemployment rate and the Falkland Islands, but things like that don't define an era with the gravitas of some dance music and monster movies. If this truly is a time machine to my own personal prologue, I wouldn't waste the trip on old episodes of 60 Minutes -- I'd be ploughing through bowls of Smurf-Berry Crunch and meeting Rosanna all the way.

Fortunately there are the films - which are the reason you're here, but they're also the biggest, splashiest spectacles of fashion, music, social mores, and every other hallmark I've mentioned that act as an interactive interconnection to the way it was. And the way it was, apparently, was Horror Cinema; the decade earned it spine-tingling stature in just this year alone. I may be biased as I'm typically more drawn to Jason Voorhees than Mahatma Gandhi, but even objectively this Age of Fangoria would bleed into the mainstream in a way that couldn't be ignored.

Science Fiction and Action/Adventure dominated the box office, but ghosts and gore were all the fixings - and the timing was right for most of them to be good or even great. I'm not sure there's an explanation for it and I think I'd be bored if there was one, so enough of these flaccid attempts at validating nostalgia -- let's draw some blood and find out who's The Thing.

- Paul

1. The Thing

Some mediocre movies are rescued by great special effects. Some excellent movies lose some of their excellence due to bad special effects. Neither of these scenarios are the case in Carpenter's masterpiece of self-preservation and paranoia. It's high on the list of Horror, Science Fiction, and Action, respectively, but its distinction is rooted in its tense whodunit Thriller category; it's too uneasy to be a "slow burn," but it's paced in a way that still stings no matter how prepared we think we are. Wait here for a little while and see what happens...

2. Deathtrap

Speaking of whodunits... Actually it's more of a "Who did what?" This plot has so many twists that I forget half of them between viewings - and they're all notably organic to the way the story unfolds. (Heck, they are the story.) Leave it to Lumet in his prime to take advantage of a film adaptation of a stage play to create tension with some scrupulous camerawork and dynamic editing. The whole thing is on a level of satire that I've rarely seen since. 

3. Halloween III: Season of the Witch

God what a great premise. In high contrast to the bland story of the 1978 original, this is like the comic book version of The Twilight Zone; a pulp novel, a midnight movie, a true and credible homage to the spirit of the holiday that looks & feels like the kid-friendly Horror of this moment in which I grew up. Stonehenge, robots, a mystery, a mad scientist, a road trip, a Halloween novelty factory tour -- we never deserved a Halloween movie this good. 

4. Poltergeist

I look at it now, and I feel like it sums up childhood - mine or maybe anyone's: domestic bliss mixed with sharp thrusts of dread and terror. It's an abstract observation and I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but subjectively, that early 80s Spielberg glossy coating on top of closet monsters and skeletons feels like a home movie to me, and watching it feels like a personal experience. 

5. Swamp Thing

Wes may not've had a sense of Horror, but he had a sense of humor, and this darkly comic Action picture always felt like it was put together by a more competent craftsman. I love the story, I love the characters, I love the locations, I even love the often-ridiculed makeup effects and the final mutant showdown. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is a comic book adaptation that is way more my speed than most others.

6. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

I think I was nearly an adult the first time I saw this in its entirety; I mention that because there may have been a mild disconnect between the movie's prominent sentimentality and the inevitable cynicism of my older self. But that doesn't mean I'm able to ignore the film's palpable magic generated by the cutthroat Spielberg/Williams collaboration that all but defined this year (and to some extent their careers). That ending is strong stuff. 

7. 48 Hrs.

I'm a much bigger fan of the sequel so this one always feels lesser-than. But the biggest difference between this movie and most of the Buddy Cop adventures that came before & after is how mean & tough it is even despite Eddie's presence; it's more French Connection than Freebie and The Bean, but still never takes itself too seriously - and it's that unique genre-bending that makes me love it.

8. Tenebrae

This is still the era of peak Argento, but this one's a little off-center: it's sunnier and snappier and sexier and even a little stabbier. I'd even argue that between the beaches, the broads, and the blood that this is the Summer Dario movie. Watch accordingly. 

9. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

Burt & Dom Comedies are kinda their own brand, and if you're unprepared, you might get a little disoriented. No matter - there's plenty in this lavish, way over-the-top musical to keep you situated; if you're a fan of Dolly Parton or Charles Durning (or both!) then this should be on your radar. Warning: these tunes will get stuck in your head. 

10. Creepshow

Romero was tolerable when he was trying to be cute, and this movie is entirely an intentional (and successful) cuteness overload. Ironically, its greatest strength is that, unlike some anthology films, it's got one director with one consistent (and competent) spirit. 

11. The New York Ripper

Fulci was on a pretty depraved streak around this time, and the fact that there are no zombies or demons in this makes it that much more dangerous. Had this movie not been so excessively grimy, people may've taken it too seriously; it shouldn't even exist in the mainstream, but it's wonderful that it does.

12. Friday the 13th Part III

They coulda started the franchise here and it would've been a strong opening: the comedy started to bleed through, the Manfredini score got a funky facelift, and it was the only time that goddamn hockey mask was interesting. All these movies were at their dullest when they were trying to be suspenseful, but Jason's particularly spry in this entry which gives it an edge that was always absent. 

13. Airplane II: The Sequel

It's entirely the same gags but with less panache or pertinence; it could've been a complete wash, but then, like a bonanza of comedy gold, the third act gives us Bill Shatner in the performance of a long career in the entertainment industry. It's a bit of a trek to get there (sorry) but I'll still sit through the whole thing in anticipation.

14. First Blood

Not the first of its kind, but definitely the biggest & baddest it had ever been (as least for American films). The socially conscious subtext really feeds into that justifiable violence we all crave and single-handedly brought Action Movies (and maybe even society) to a new brutal level. It's shamefully satisfying.

15. The Slumber Party Massacre

Amazing to think that even this early in the timeline they were already parodying this kinda flick. It works as satire because it still works as a straightforward Slasher - even if this Driller Killer is particularly lame.

16. Cat People

The trend for this year was "too gross to be sexy." This one managed to sneak by softly enough to tip the scales the other way. I might even say it's a little bit scary... but cats kinda scare me anyway - regardless of their ability to potentially transform into Nastassja Kinski.

17. Basket Case

It feels like the sleaziest pick of the list, but it's actually clever and well-rounded and bittersweet in a lotta ways -- all coated in a slimy, oppressive veneer of orange gore and fleabag intercourse. There's such a visceral connection to movies of the Grindhouse Era that are actually set in the heart of its geographical provenience. You'd might as well approach it as a documentary. I do.

18. Class of 1984

I don't know how it is nowadays, but for anyone who endured an institution of education at some point in the 20th century will experience this as the Horror flick that it is. But that's the strength of this period of scary movies - they weren't any dumber than the rest of the dreck, they only appeared that way. Critics interpreted them as "pointless violence," and this movie depicts how valid and realistic that is.

19. Koyaanisqatsi

This is it: this is basically what I want from a motion picture. That doesn't mean every attempt is an A+, but there should be a broader spectrum of choices in this genre -- whatever the hell it is. I suppose the aim of this movie (and its sequels) is to create a sense of wonderment and appreciation for the equal-parts bigness and insignificance of existence. What I take from it is a sorta satisfying melancholy in regards to how dumb traditional narrative filmmaking really is. 

20. Liquid Sky

There are Cult Films - that cute little niche of quirk and camp. And then there's Liquid Sky, which makes Rocky Horror feel that much more like Dumb and Dumber (which, incidentally, is referred to as a "Cult Movie" now). There are movies like this that deal with the same kinda themes and subject matter, but are never as brave or clever in their ideas or execution. It makes me wanna make movies.