Attention all law-abiding citizens and complacent illegals:
It has come to my attention, and the attention of my superiors, that the very fabric of our society is currently at the whim of a population of bleeding hearts and fanatics. These are the leftover radicals and agitators from a century of boogie fever and Lego mania. These poor souls can be identified by what they like (on Facebook) and by their T-shirts. They claim to be crazy for you and are consistently cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Most of these offenders congregate through social media, but they're also capable of operating independently of group settings. They're in our schools and our drugstores. They're disguised as red blood cells in the veins of our community, but in actuality, they are the poison. And the poison is their disease, which, in turn, is our disease.
Some of these individuals can be identified as the following:
Comic Book Geeks, Neat Freaks, Health Nuts, TV Junkies, Food Addicts, Shopaholics, Grammar/Punctuation Nazis, Liberal Fascists
They lack a love and respect for: protecting their families and homes with the use of semiautomatic force, the sacrifice of our service men and women, the rights of the unborn, and Christ. They feel too strongly for cultural nuance and change, and have no faith in His will. They're unaware of the many numbing agents our commonwealth has provided in lieu of "caring" and "concern":
25 by Adele, The Big Bang Theory (the hit CBS television show, not the "theory"), Hollywood scandals, The Royal family, American Sniper, carpool karaoke, memes, This Is Us, "Live, Laugh, Love" signs, Minions
These and many, many other consolation mechanisms provide the stimulating boredom required to maintain a flaccid, obedient existence. With these tools, you can also combat all contradictory trends through various acts of subversive persuasion:
Buying large wine glasses, binging Netflix (and chilling), snapchat filtering, going to work, going on vacation, cutting out gluten, avoiding sugar, ingesting laundry soap, demanding fair wages, #adulting AF
Never forget: simply following, liking, sharing, and typing "yes" to these trends is not nearly enough to conserve the beige banality of our McExistence. It is your civic obligation to treat others the way you think they should be treated based on a predetermined set of criteria ascribed by those whom you think are morally superior to you. Recoil at rationality. Berate the brave. Persecute the passionate.
Or, do nothing, because who cares? Caring is for bleeding hearts and fanatics.