TOYS ARE US : A L I E N S

Toys are life. They have been coming into all of our lives and making our grown ups broke since birth. I guarantee that all of you were bestowed your first one on the day you forced your way out of the vagina as a reward for not killing your Mama.  As we aged though, the collector in us emerged. Whatever was  your niche of the moment, be it Beetlejuice, He-Man, or Batman, you needed every single one. Sometimes you had to dig deep with manipulation to coax the big people into sealing the purchase. And occasionally as a last ditch effort, you would explode into a class 3 tantrum, embarrassing the fuck out of them, just so your greedy and desperate hands wouldn't leave empty.

  

   There were times, especially as you got older and more mature, that they tried to reason with you. 

"There's no money right now." "We just got you one last weekend." "Christmas is next month." At this stage of your childhood, a large emotional scene would not just embarrass them, it would humiliate you. This is where where we began to craft our bargaining strategies and turn into little lawyers. If you were good at it, you could outsmart them, and argue your way into getting your desired prize. We learned quickly that gentle fighting with tact and intelligence was way more fruitful that our previous attempts. But they can't all be winners. Sometimes, the idiots that raised us, that say they knew what was best, said some bullshit, backing us into a corner, and could not be bought. 

  In 1992, Kenner released a line of glorious Aliens action figures. I knew this because I saw them every single time we went to KB Toys, the Mecca of my very existence. They were beautiful. There were several new Xenomorph incarnations: A Gorilla Alien, Scorpion Alien, and Bull Alien. Most precious and desired of all was the Queen Alien. I fantasized about battling her against Ripley and shouting "Get away from her you bitch!" I also wanted to display them around my room like statues, so that when I watched the movie, they would be watching it with me.

It was time to ask. I never asked for something on the first or second visits. That was obviously greedy. It was much more polite and successful to ask on the third or fourth time. Given the severity of the how much I needed these toys, I went for broke. I collected the Queen Alien and Ripley figures, laid them down on the floor into front of my mom, got down on my knees, and began to beg. I pleaded with her stating that I wouldn't need anything else for the rest of my life, that these toys were made just for me from my favorite movies, and I simply couldn't leave the store without them. She took one look and said, "No, those are boys' toys." 

  We left the store without them, but I had a core memory, and a lot of questions. It wasn't until I was older that I realized what total bullshit that was. Her rejection of my toy purchase derived from her insecurity that I would turn gay, like steering my toy choices would have anything to do with my adult sexual preferences. I just wanted to play, man. Let the goddamn children play.

   Now I'm an adult, and thanks to the wonderful flea markets, eBay, and antique stores, a couple of these figures have been acquired. Part of me wishes I could ignore the collector in me and listen to my inner child, so I could rip them open, and pose them. I'm dying to see the collectible comic book that's included, but will forever be encased in its plastic tomb.

   Seeing these toys through my gownup eyes, I'm not sure why Kenner decided to design these to look nothing like the film characters, but it's weird. Take the Bishop android for example: this slick, muscular, machine gun toting, sunglasses sporting, clearly MAN, looks nothing his meek and mild mannered character that we all love. The Ripley incarnation is better, but she still looks kinda Asian and somewhat sissy despite her iconic heroic screen presence. 

   I'm so glad I have them, like a stupid childhood curse has been lifted, even if they make me gay. Of course anyone with half a brain knows that action figure play only serves to strengthen social emotional development, which I really could have used more of as a kid. Thanks guys. And while we're on the subject of child development, letting a boy play with dolls, teaches them to be a loving and nurturing parent. Nothing gay about that. 

- Babes