HALLOWEEN SNACKS! The Autumn Edition

Welcome to our first official exploration of Halloween Snacks! Why have we largely ignored the famously titular "treats" of this holiday (at least in literary form)? Several reasons - honestly there's only so much we could say about Snickers, and it seems like most of the Web has it pretty well covered on a yearly basis. But more than that, comically small candy bars are so far away from the things I like about this time of year. Even as a kid, trick-or-treating was never about the candy for me, it was about tying nylon capes around my neck and putting smelly makeup on my face while a heavily-edited version of The Exorcist played on TV. As a grownup, those elements still reign supreme, but that doesn't mean I can't still go out and get the shit. And so that's what I've done - so much so that I bring to you Part One of my adventures, entirely focused on the "sweater weather" and "Fall vibes" approach to the season, free of all that pesky Satanic influence. That comes later. 

- Paul 

Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts

I stopped experimenting with novelty Pop Tarts back in the 90s when it became painfully apparent that every single iteration was destined to be frosted. When I was little, we had the option of frosted or unfrosted - now, unfrosted has itself become a novelty. I hate the frosted ones. But for art and science today I try the Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts, and I gotta say they nearly nail it (in their own way). It's only as sickly sweet as a Pop Tart can be, but it's unmistakably pumpkiny. The sprinkles add nothing - I don't care what color they are sprinkles are for Christmas. If nothing else, they left me with a melancholy feeling, imaging how awesome they would be without a layer of chalky sugared glue. 

Pumpkin Spice Cheerios

There are at least a dozen different flavors of Cheerios on the shelves at any given time of year -- twice as many during a holiday season. So I went ahead and picked this low hanging gourd because I already got a good sense of the Cheerios approach to kooky flavors; they don't go hard by way of sugars and dyes, so whatever you're dealing with it's not going to be an aggressive assault. Instead, we get pleasantness, and that's just what I wanted - a mild pumpkin experience that allowed me to remember I was eating cereal, not candy corn. This is obviously not the first time this "Limited Edition" has been unveiled but the marriage is so natural and charming that it could definitely be a year round thing. 

Albanese Apple Harvest Gummies

Apple stuff is truly tricky business. "Apple Cinnamon" hits a home run nearly every time, but "Apple" on its own can be a minefield of sour and bitter. As my lust for gummies carries me through this year I was blindly excited for these - they're just so pretty, and I was impressed at the attempt to divide the traditional "apple" into three different flavors: McIntosh, Granny Smith, and Red Delicious. Opening the bag unleashes a sucker punch of cider-scented cough syrup, but eating them as individual gummies is a slightly more subtle experience. I really tried to convince myself that I could tell the difference between the three flavors, and if you look at each one before you eat it then maybe you can, but I wasn't about to break out the blindfold. Ultimately they taste like apple flavored gummies, which is apparently something I'm not too crazy about. 

Pepperidge Farm Pumpkin Cheesecake Cookies

Christmas and Halloween are when Pepperidge Farm go into attack mode. Naturally when it comes to Halloween they embrace the Fall side of it, and rightly so - I feel like if they were to ever attempt something on the "spooky" side it would come across as really lame - like when I try to say things like "yeet" or "no cap". And so amongst their pumpkin-flavored products are these "soft baked" cookies "made with white chocolate drops, brown sugar, real pumpkin, and spices". A facade of "fancy" as usual, these things taste like straight sugar, no cap fr. 

Caramel Apple Turtles

Ok, so other than "Apple Cinnamon" I would nominate "Caramel Apple" as the other idiot-proof apple flavor. So that begs the question: if they can make caramel taste like apples, why do we even need real apples? But that's just it - without the crisp, cold juiciness of one of God's forbidden fruits contrasted by warm melted caramel, we're just left with some arduous chews. But there was no element of surprise here - I'm familiar with Turtles, and even if I wasn't I've got a firm grasp on chocolate, nuts, and caramel working together to create an event. Additionally, with a splash of "natural(?)" green apple flavor, the experience feel very autumnal.