STATIC SHOTS

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XI: "The Young Nurses" and Totino's Ultimate Pizza Uncured Pepperoni

Roger rarely stopped working, if ever; vacations were often just an excuse for scouting new shooting locations. The workload was so great that his wife, Julie, often took on many responsibilities - up to and including the sole credited Producer. 

New World Pictures began financing "Nurse" movies in 1970 (the year Roger and Julie got married), and 1973's The Young Nurses was their fourth in this very specific subgenre. Like the others, it's an Altmanesque Melodrama that starts off like a lighthearted Nudie picture but then gradually beings to spiral into darker conflicts; apart from peripherally addressing social issues like Women's Lib and healthcare bureaucracy, there's also a menacing thread about violent drug dealers. That's not to say that there aren't plenty of fun elements; Kitty (Jeane Manson) has a sexy fling with one of her patients (that includes a very memorable kite-flying scene), and Joanne (Ashley Porter) asserts her Girl Power at one point by stripping nude and marching into the ocean. But it's Michelle (Angela Gibbs giving the best performance in the film) who's caught in her own Blaxploitation movie that provides this Soap Opera Skin Flick with an exciting edge. 

Totino's is obviously best known for their pizza rolls (though old folks like us remember them under the "Jeno's" label), but now they've unleashed the regular-shaped "Ultimate Pizza". It's difficult to determine which characteristics of this pizza make it "ultimate" - they maybe bent the truth a bit to boost sales. Nevertheless, the results are actually quite remarkable. First impression was that it tasted like a flat, crunchy pizza roll, but that illusion mostly melted away as a gooier, greasier pizza came into focus. Our oven sucks so it was impossible to brown the cheese without blackening the crust, but as it is it came out as a gelatinous fatty delight that frozen pizza rarely pulls off. They're needlessly small, but cheap, so get yourself two. Or, if you're like us, three. 

The Movie: C+

The Pizza: B+ 

10 Times the Convenience Store Got Messed Up

con·ven·ience store - a store with extended opening hours and in a convenient location, stocking a limited range of household goods and groceries.

You know the setup: if we find ourselves in a convenience store (usually in a movie of the Action genre) you know there's a good chance the Cheetos and Charmin are about to hit the fan. If nothing else, the mortality rate of whoever's working the register is unfairly high; no one is more expendable than the men, women, and children(!) who stand behind the counter awaiting their fate. There's been all kindsa chaos in these mini-establishments but these are the notable moments when we couldn't help but wonder, "Who's gonna clean this up?"

- Paul

Robocop

Just an all around famous film scene, it demonstrates all the hallmarks of this scenario in only 90 seconds (though it's noticeably lite on the violence for such a hard-R flick). The shop owners live (as does the assailant) but casualties include lotsa booze, popcorn, and a good portion of the dairy section. 

Falling Down

In a raging spree of anticapitalist sentiment, the products on the shelves are not bystanders - they are the target of this spontaneous assault. The victims are donuts, aspirin, batteries, and little American flags for ironic effect. 

I Come in Peace

Dolph Lundgren has to ditch his stakeout to address a holdup in progress. The punks shoot out the lights, and in a store full of glass bottles of liquor and aluminum cans of Pepsi, we only end up losing a fridge door and some generic milk. 

Return of the Living Dead III

This is the common situation where the shopkeep pulls a gun on the robbers but ends up getting killed anyway. On a completely unrelated note, freshly zombified Mindy Clarke is devouring the entire Hostess endcap in an attempt to satiate her new and inexplicable hunger. 

From Dusk Till Dawn

Not too much is salvaged from what literally becomes Benny's World of Blood. Ironically the hostages and the perpetrators walk away in one piece (minus a hole in the hand) but Michael Parks and John Hawkes fall victim to bullets, fire, and a questionable explosion which may or may not have been the direct result of popcorn. 

Short Time

Believing himself to be terminally ill, Dabney Coleman fearlessly diffuses a hostage situation without any backup (or clothes). The bomber breaks down and surrenders with every person and Pop Tart left unscathed - until the realization that the ticking bomb was left inside the store proves to be too late. 

Hard to Kill

This is all about body impact. The store owner is shot and falls into a wall of liquor, then Steven Seagal proceeds to hurl the bad guys into wine bottles and potato chips. A mostly tidy job - disregarding the likely pool of blood left from the clerk who took one to the chest. 

Magnolia

Most convenience store mishaps hold little weight throughout the rest of their respective story; even when blood is spilled it's usually forgotten by the plot. Donnie Smith's public indiscretion here ends up looking not so good on his job review which is a major contributor in this tragic character's downfall. 

National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1

A parody of most of the scenes on this list plus all the others that came before -- it involves shotguns, Tommy guns, a flamethrower, and a bazooka, and it isn't over until every shelf is cleared by artillery fire. 

Ghost World

What happens when Steve Buscemi has it out for Brad Renfro? A full-blown blaze of fury, which results in a knocked-over chip rack and not much else. 

NAME THAT MOVIE!

Congratulations to the outpouring of participants in the last set. You're all winners probably. 

To be honest, the answers that were missed were legitimately hard in hindsight but that's always the gamble we take. Nevertheless many of you are never deterred from making guesses and you're so real for that. Never give up, never surrender. 

EASY

FAIR

DIFFICULT

Visions in my eyes