FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part I: "Puppet Master" and McCain Smiles

Hello, and welcome to yet another continuing series that involves us watching stuff and eating things -- because that's all we do anyway so why not make it your problem? As strongly implied by the title, we're buying bags of frozen french fries and cookin' 'em at 425 as we indulge in the low budget library that is Full Moon Features - the Home Video production company started by Charles Band in 1988. We don't like to impose a ton of "rules" in these lighthearted shenanigans but for consistency's sake we're sticking to the films actually produced by the studio and excluding all the previous Charles Band/Empire Pictures releases. That may seem irrelevant but we point it out as a way to call attention to the fact that this leaves us nearly 150 features to wade through (with more likely on the way). 

For fun (because that's the whole point) we begin this program at the very beginning with the very first Full Moon Production, 1989's Puppet Master. A wildly successful video rental (in "cult" terms) that has generated 14 sequels/spinoffs (thus far), it became the sorta symbol for the whole company; the name and its killer dolls are basically the Micky Mouse of Full Moon. In all honesty, we've seen this movie a handful of times already, and up to and including this most recent viewing, we just can't warm up to it - let alone comprehend its popularity. The premise involves a small group of psychics meeting together at a hotel where William Hickey made some possessed dolls 50 years earlier. The dolls have been freed from their tomb and are killing off the principal players one by one - but really there's only like five characters and two of them survive, so you could say there's some padding. Actually the whole movie could be described as padding: just a formless, convoluted pillow to fall asleep on. That's why its cult status as a video rental is so confounding - the movie's way too boring to create any sorta "party" atmosphere, and the four or five dolls (as cool looking as they are) don't really do much with their minimal screentime. Though while you wouldn't call this movie traditionally "atmospheric", it does establish the unique Full Moon mood that's ultimately present in all of their films.

To pair with this classic of Home Entertainment we chose a classic from Home Cuisine: The Smiley Fry. Several brands have tried their hand at this whimsical shape but McCain did it first in the 1970s and that's the label we've chosen to match our "original" movie. For us (like many) these fries have an air of childhood about them - no specific memories but the nostalgia is there. But clearly we've never cooked them ourselves as an adult because the same rules don't apply to these as regular french fries. We like our potatoes crispy, so when it comes to frozen fries we always add at least another 10 minutes to the suggested baking time. Apparently, Smiles are so dense that their innards dry out before the faces ever achieve that golden brown we're looking for; we wanted them to be something that God never intended, so in the end that's our folly. Still, one could only imagine how good these would've been had they not turned into tater-flavored wallpaper paste. 

The Movie: D+

The Fries: C-

VIOLENT FANTASIES - The Playlist

It's 1am when the phone rings. That low-rent street pusher tryna make a name for himself wants you to meet him by the docks. You know exactly how it's gonna go down, so you refuse. That's when he tells you, "I got someone here who'd like to say hello..." He puts your daughter on the phone. So you load up the Lambo with all the arsenal you got and speed toward the meet, because you're outta options. 

Soulless real estate developers wanna build a new strip mall right on top of your town's skate park. Obviously they're not gonna take a buncha kids seriously so you & your friends devise a charity concert of local bands to raise money and awareness against corporate greed. 

Three women have been murdered so far and you know you're next on the list; a brunette Sagitariius living on the lower Eastside, you're exactly his type and you know it. So you sit alone in the darkness of your room, and even though detectives watch you from the next building and you have a gun in your garter, you just know he'll be ready for that. 

You thought working at a pizza parlor on the beach all summer long was gonna be a drag. And then one day she rolled in - the bitchin' babe on roller skates that everyone would've killed to be with and was criminally underappreciated by her dickhead boyfriend. You think you want her, but really it's your mousy coworker who's actually the girl of your dreams. She knows it, so when're you gonna come around?

Your grades are down, your parents are on your case, and you gotta protect your only friend from bullies because he's such a nerd. But you need his help because you most likely live next door to a werewolf and he knows about that kinda stuff. So you both conjure up a spell that's supposed to reverse the wolf's curse but instead you awaken the mummy at the local museum's Egyptian exhibit. 

The year is 2145. It's been nearly a century since the humans defeated the machines, and the planet has been at peace. A "utopia" they call it - as long as all electronic devices remain outlawed. But there is an underground rebellion growing that worships the language of music, and they trade compact discs like illegal narcotics - the priciest ones being the albums actually composed with electronics, like synthesizers and drum machines. 

Whatever the situation is, wherever your journey leads, whatever your fantasies are, you're gonna need a soundtrack - some music to either compliment the mood or create one. And if your adventures involve cruising down Ocean Drive at sunset, questioning call girls on 42nd street, or walking on air after stealing that first kiss, we've got 50 sweltering songs here to punctuate that exact moment when the bullet hits the bone. Granted, YouTube is already flooded with playlists tailored to themes similar to Violent Fantasies but this is the only one that interweaves all the vibes into one singular event of gun fights, romantic nights, and plot twists that never get old. Click the image below and we can shake your blues right away. 

I SAW IT ON TAPE - The Wizard

Everything seems to move a lot faster nowadays. I don't just mean the accelerated passage of time that comes with old age (2025 is half over??) but the way contemporary media finds its way into our homes. A new TV show could premiere tomorrow morning and you can watch it through to the series finale before bed. I can go see a matinee at the theater and then come home and fast forward to see if I missed anything after the credits. "Reserve" became "preorder" and then "preorder" became "pre buy". We're always trying to recreate the past because the future is fleeting. Getting what we want right when we want it is such a tepid thrill (mostly because the choices are crap) but the nuanced joys of anticipation and yearning seem to be outmoded. Believe it or not, this isn't me lamenting the loss of my childhood and the days when we had to wait 6 whole months for a movie to journey from the cinema to the video store. Instead I'm here to point out that that's exactly when things started to speed up, and like everyone else who hit the ground running I leaned to adapt. 

The Wizard opened in theaters in December of 1989 to bad reviews and poor box office. Whatever, that's not what this is about -- this is about that span of time between its theatrical run and its video release in June of 1990. I (like many people apparently) did not see the movie in theaters, but I remember the incessant TV spots that wisely aired during all my afternoon TV programs, and these commercials had two things to sell: the kid from The Wonder Years, and Super Mario Bros. 3. Sure I liked Kevin Arnold, but the more exciting part was getting a glimpse of the new Mario game - which, of course, is the big climactic reveal of the last act and so they ruined that surprise 10 times a day during commercial breaks between Hey Dude and Captain N. What that did was got me all excited for the new video game, not this new movie, and I'm guessing that was the national consensus. Super Mario 3 was released in the U.S. in February of '90, so by the time The Wizard was on videotape in June, me and the rest of the country (and the world) were already entirely familiar with all the ins and outs of Nintendo's crown jewel. But for me, that created a new kinda buzz: now I wanted to see the movie about the kid that gets to play Mario 3 on a giant TV screen, because now there was a context I could relate to, but also fantasize about. At any rate, a Kids' Movie about video games wasn't some manipulative ploy, it was an attractive and believable premise and so I certainly had interest. 

Shortly before its VHS release, my sister (who's 12 years my elder) moved out of our house and into her first apartment. Whithin a few weeks of moving in, getting settled, buying groceries, and acquiring a pet cat named Felix, she invited her little brother over for a sleepover. She was excited to play host and show off her new place, and I was excited because I was 7 years old and so any small activity out of the norm was fun and interesting - particularly if that activity involved Domino's and a tape rental. The tape was, of course, The Wizard because everything just lined up that way. So, pizza, summertime, sleepover, new movie, it should've been an otherwise unblemished memory in the rolodex of my protected little childhood, but physically I felt like garbage. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV watching Beau Bridges and Christian Slater bicker their way to California and noticing that it was literally hurting my eyes to look at the screen. And then noticing it was painful to look at anything. And my throat and neck and skin were all burny/itchy - so much so that I couldn't hide it, causing my sister to freak out and call my mother crying, "He's all itchy and wheezy and I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do!" This is where it becomes notable to point out that I never had a pet cat growing up because my father was allergic to them, and this is the part of the plot when everyone discovered at the same time that I too was allergic to cats. Felix had me all fucked up, to the point that had I stayed overnight my face would've melted off like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. 

You know I love any opportunity to write or talk about The Wizard, and it often ends up as a defense; always defending the quality of the movie, my subjective adoration for the movie, and dismantling and discrediting all the flimsy criticisms against it. It (along with everything else in the universe) lies at the mercy of The Internet now, and so whenever it's mentioned in that ring of fire we're treated to the endlessly "fresh" observations regarding product placement and "California" and the Power Glove being "so bad". Of course, the most common comments continue to be the conviction that the only way to enjoy it is through the lens of personal nostalgia; that's it's a bad film and the only reason to watch it is to indulge in some sorta sentimental irony. Well I'm here to say (yet again) that I have very different feelings about The Wizard, and if I truly wanted to simply feel as though I were a child watching it for the first time I could just pour beach sand into my eyeballs and do a shot of Clorox. How's that for nostalgia? 

- Paul

The Pizza Dudes (and Dudettes) of 1990

Pizza delivery is a perilous exploit, and these 5 examples from 35 years ago are sobering scenarios that may force you to consider a safer work environment - maybe at your local Clown Dog or Whammy Burger. Let us now salute these brave purveyors of pizza - they all sacrificed so that we didn't have to.

- Paul

Tony

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

He laments that he's "gotta get a new route", but his late night delivery to the sewer gate that is 122 and an eighth is easily the safest excursion on this list -- unbeknownst to him he's in the presence of the city's bravest heroes in a half shell. This actor, Michael Sisti, wore the Michelangelo suit in this movie as well as in Secret of the Ooze. 

"Pizza Boy"

Home Alone

I was always of the mind that this kid didn't deserve any of this bullshit. I get that it's a prank and Kevin's literally playing it for our benefit but ever since the first time I saw it I found that this scene makes our protagonist that much less likable. You already stiffed him on the tip, the additional PTSD was unnecessary. 

"Pizza Man"

Men at Work

Dean Cameron played a lotta obnoxious schlubs who were always luckier than they should've been. It isn't until he begins delivering for Pedro's Pizza and Pancakes that his luck runs out and he finds himself at the mercy of a crazed Keith David and battling mobsters at the city dump in the middle of the night. At least he got offered a slice of his own pie, which is unheard of. 

Devo

I Love You to Death

I'm not sure that Joey's Pizza offered a delivery service, but if they did, between waiting and bussing tables, taking out the trash, taking care of the maggots, and attempting to murder his employer, I'm sure those duties would fall on Devo. 

"Pizza Girl"

Slumber Party Massacre III

She's relieved of her delivery duties for Ciao Chow Pizza when a squirrelly young man bribes her to use the pies as a means of getting into the titular slumber party. She makes $46 out of the deal but that doesn't let her off the hook -- or drill, so to speak. 

The Late Movie

As I'm sure I've mentioned dozens of times before, I came into this world right alongside the emergence of Home Video and Cable TV, so while we have so much at our fingertips in this day and age, I can't say there was ever really a time in my own life when I felt truly deprived. But when I look back on the abundance of media that pervaded my youth I can say with certainty that part of it came from tape rentals, part of it came from pay channels like HBO, part of it came from actual movie theaters, but perhaps the biggest part came from local TV stations. I don't mean like the town's public access, I mean the far-reaching city stations with national affiliates that entertained entire regions; WLVI, WSBK, WNDS, and WPIX were the channels that aired throughout the NorthEastern United States and filled my nights and weekends with awkwardly edited feature films that I otherwise would've never sought out myself. Even if I'd had the means, I didn't have the knowledge or the wherewithal at 7 years old to say, "Mom, can we rent Big Bad Mama II?" -- stuff like that had to find me. 

This all started long before videotape, and it began as more of an event. The big networks like ABC, NBC, and CBS had there own versions and they treated it like a legitimate movie premiere -- because it kinda was; if you missed Oliver! in the theaters, tonight and tonight only was your chance to catch it. But the stuff I'm talking about is when it became more casual and it seemed like every channel on the dial had an 8pm showing, a 10pm showing, a midnight showing etc. And obviously if you didn't grow up with my channels, your area most likely had its own variation on it, and it's sorta fascinating that every version kinda followed the same format: the spooky, seedy naughtiness of a nighttime movie - regardless of whether it was Friday the 13th Part VI or The Barefoot Executive, the fanfare surrounding the actual feature consisted of a colorful graphic treatment and a haunting jingle. Accordingly, that's why I've asked you here today - not to read this longwinded intro (or skim, let's be real) but to watch this compilation of "Late Movie" intros and bumpers (along with a few "Afternoon Matinee" pieces) that hopefully gets you as giddy/horny/drowsy as it does I. Get cozy. 

- Paul

SUMMER SNACKS!

What kinda snacks match a mood as sleazy as Violent Fantasies? A bag of fast food for your all night stakeout? Leftover pizza and a pair of scissors? Miller Genuine Draft and a bag of blow? Or is it just the stuff labelled "NEW" in the seasonal aisles of CVS and Family Dollar? Not that I'm totally concerned with the healthiest options but I'm a sucker for the cheapest ones, and I've found a ton this season - so much so that I hope to do an eventual second installment of 2025 Summer Snacks (don't hold me to that, I'm not obligated to record every checkout counter impulse buy). In the meantime here are 6 consumables that, for the most part, create a balance of summer and shadiness. 

- Paul

Doritos Late Night Loaded Taco

With its dazzling neon logo on a black & purple background it was just begging to be a part of this party - it appropriately looks like the "Puttin' On the Ritz" video by none other than Taco. Beyond that this feels like kind of a lazy flex; I usually think of Doritos as already being taco-adjacent, and it feels like they've done a dozen variations on this already. Having said that, yes these do indeed have a robust (though generic) taco flavor, and while I didn't go that extra mile by dipping them in cheese or salsa or sour cream, I suggest you do exactly that in an attempt to live más. 

 

 

Sprite & Tea

Seeing that green label on that familiar curvy bottle filled with a murky brown liquid is entirely off-putting - as though someone's been using it as both an ashtray and a toilet. And the transparent insistence of that gaudy "Tea" is just ugly enough to make matters worse. Understandably I was expecting carbonated iced tea... and that's exactly what it is, and somehow in my mind that seemed entirely weird and unappealing. But after a few sips I got a better grasp of what they were going for, and suddenly it occurred to me: carbonated iced tea is a great idea! I'll tell you one thing, it pairs perfectly with some Loaded Taco Doritos. 

Nerds Berry Punch Rush Gummy Clusters

And I thought the Doritos had a long name. I've only just recently become acquainted with the Gummy Cluster subgenre of Nerds and I was pleasantly surprised: apart from so closely resembling the Everlasting Gobstoppers from the original Willy Wonka movie, they really do have an exciting texture that combines soft & chewy with hard & crunchy. I haven't become totally familiar with the flavors yet but supposedly this one is "Limited" (though there's nothing that says generic sugar like "Berry"). Honestly I'm not here for the flavor as much as the seasonal celebration angle, through which they're observing with red, white, and blue Nerds (which is a National Summertime reference) and American Football (which is mostly a Winter sport, so, low grades for creativity here). 

Whitman's S'mores

For the past 35 years I've been endlessly on the lookout for s'mores-related products that could come close to the greatness of Nabisco's Suddenly S'mores. (If you experienced these short lived microwavable miracles then you know where I'm coming from.) I had no misapprehensions about these even approaching such a level of greatness but that's an unfair barometer. I've only ever known Russell Stover to do the chocolate-covered marshmallow thing but Whitman's pulls it off without a hitch - in fact, if you've ever had the Russell Stover eggs or pumpkins or any of their holiday-themed marshmallows then these should feel pretty familiar. The jury's still out on whether or not the graham cracker crumbs are a delightful bonus or a messy nuisance. 

Ritz Bits Spicy Queso

Speaking of early 90s snack sensations -- actually it occurred to me that I was probably still was a kid the last time I indulged in these tiny circular sandwiches. At any any rate, they still present the same paradox: despite being noticeably bland and consistently stale, they're always addictive. Most of the sandwiches usually come apart in the box so there are typically a lotta loose crackers to sift through but with some extra gumption you can usually piece them back together for the full experience. As for the spicy queso - the spicy and the queso are both too subtle to make any headlines. I finished the box in like 12 minutes. 

Swedish Fish Mini Glow Ups

Now it's a party! All the other choices seem that much more appropriate when they're bathed in the cool glow of luminescent gummy fish. That's right, sport, in the true tradition of novelty candy that does tricks, these Swedish Fish glow under blacklight. Observe!

 

I had to go to three different stores on a rainy Friday night to find a simple blacklight bulb (because the lightsaber-sized rod at Spencer's Gifts could've lit up an entire roller rink and I simply don't have enough gigawatts for that), but I'm willing to say it was worth it. Sure, you can find a million pictures of these neon fish on the Web right now, but these are my fish and their questionable ingredients are now in me. Additionally, these aren't the regular lingonberry-flavored fish (yes, that's what the red ones are), but a super summery strawberry/watermelon fusion instead, and it tastes like Kool-Aid, Hi-C, and Freeze Pops all mixed together.

Overall the combination of fizzy tea and taco chips and turmeric extract got me living in the forest of a dream. 

STATIC SHOTS

Cobra (1986)