Is "Die Hard" a Christmas Movie?

How about that? Does that title grab your attention, or is the plain vanilla flavor putting you off? It may seem like an otherwise pedestrian talking point (and one that certainly doesn't need any extra emphasis from Bennett Goddamn Media - you know how we feel on these issues) but really this is just a low-key backyard exploration of what exactly is a Christmas Movie. (Spoiler: it's whatever the hell you want it to be.)

Folks who are against the Die Hard idea (as with all people who are collectively against anything) are always the loudest - they got their reasons, their equations, their conclusions; their gate is well kept, much to the point that they often doth protest too much in the process. Understandably so - this is their battle that otherwise wouldn't exist had they not rattled that cage; in other words, this problem (like most problems) didn't exist until someone decided to make it their business. We've all just been chillin' at the Nakatomi Christmas party ever since '88, then the Internet gets invented and some robbers blast their way in and steal our joy by letting us know that we're apparently doing it wrong. I would never fall for this shit, would you? The trick is to not engage -- which is easy to say when I can just sling arrows from this site right here, but it's also easy to say when you're in a position of impunity. The phrase is "I'll die on this hill." That's it. I'll lie the fuck down and expire because I owe you nothing. So, there's that approach. 

Let's say, just for fun, we were to make a less abstract argument in favor of Die Hard as a Christmas Movie. I've seen various spreadsheets and flowcharts and Venn diagrams mansplaining what are and aren't "Christmas Movies" but I find that kind of clinical science to be more for the normies - debating categories and genres of Film should come more from the heart and less from the keyboard (though I'm not against rigid principles and philosophies - especially when one keeps them to thyself). When I was much younger my mother and I would watch Die Hard 1 & 2 (and eventually 3) as a sorta marathon on New Year's Eve. The reason for that is that they're a solid block of cohesive entertainment that can carry you to midnight (I have memories of doing Back to the Future a couple times too), but through that a tradition was organically conceived, which is a pretty indisputable origin for anyone's subjective cause for celebration. Then, when I reached whatever age and began to grow tired of the same short list of Christmas Movies I grew up with, I made the conscious choice to incorporate the first two Die Hard movies into my holiday rotation - which didn't take a lotta heavy lifting, I'd already been watching them in December for years. But the point is that freedom: the basic human right to assign any movie (or album or book or food or any external stimuli) to whatever time of year to add to your own sense of self, and maybe even, God willing, a sense of community. But, of course, there are the infidels who don't want this. 

So by my count we can have nice things: either by some rhythmic convention, or though the channels of our own free will as our forefathers intended. And of course there's the secret third option: following the rules. You know, the same kinda rules that determine "good movies" from "bad movies", put in place by some dogmatic ghost who'll always be a little bit smarter than you. Some people are bold and articulate enough to give their reasons of opposition and I always appreciate the effort, but they almost never give the right reason, which is basically "My body, my choice." Just about every damn movie I watch is anchored to a specific time of year -- some require a specific time of day, some need certain weather conditions, some need food, etc. etc. And if you've spent any time here then you know I can rattle off my reasons in a mostly coherent way, but those reasons always land in the same spot: they are my own. These are the rules as they pertain to me, and I will elaborate for fun. Feels good to exercise your rights, doesn't it? 

It takes place at Christmastime - Christmas Eve actually which creates an even stronger electricity - but that's sort of its superficial basis for both sides of the argument. It's never aggressively Christmassy; apart from some incidental source music, the two prominent Christmas songs are used ironically: RUN-DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" and Vaughn Monroe's "Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!" (which actually has nothing to do with the holiday). There's also the "Now I have a machine gun ho ho ho" bit with Karl's brother that's often used as the visual signpost to its Christmas Movie Status. Beyond that it really is a stretch - particularly if you're narrow-minded and unimaginative. It's not like anyone's discovered some secret layer that creates an airtight Commandment that solidifies it as a Christmas Movie - you just have to believe - which is a huge ask of a modern audience plugged into mythology and "canon". By their measure there's probably only like 6 Christmas Movies -- and I'm guessing none of them have anything to do with Jesus so what are we even talking about here? Wonderful Life, Home Alone, even A Christmas Carol don't necessarily need the holiday as any major plot function, but most people are hooked on plot and any kinda abstraction can only be perceived as a plot hole. 

This whole season should be about spirit, not some rigid grocery list of what does and doesn't apply. Even if a movie has a teensy bit of Christmas in it I'm bringing the stamp down: Toy Story, American Psycho, Goodfellas, Addams Family, 12 Monkeys all have that little pinch of fairy dust that's enough (for me) to overwhelm any story arc. There's so much Nightmare Before Christmas hullabaloo around Halloween time and I just hafta hold my nose and ignore the clear-cut Christmas Film constantly being thrown in my face. There's even a heavy list of movies that were released in December (typically the Oscar bait stuff) that I just associate with Christmas due only to that incidental correspondence; No Country For Old Men is, for me, by and large a Secret Christmas Movie. Every Christmas Eve we watch a Jess Franco movie we've never seen before (preferably one that features Lina Romay). I have separate memories of watching Reservoir Dogs, Fear and Loathing, and Throw Momma From the Train on Christmas Day - and those memories are hard to shake. 

I'm giving you these examples not just to illustrate my own connections or to put them upon you or anyone else, but to allow and encourage you and your own; embrace the ones you have and invent new ones for fun. And not just for Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza, but for December. For Winter, or Spring, or Summer, or Saturday night, or your lunch break. This holiday of Peace and Joy is mired in conflict; our differences are contrasted so sharply that the media weaponized it as "The War on Christmas". Even if it's a petty cultural war of words we're entirely missing the point; some people are adapting and championing this behavior: "Aww, the Die Hard debate really puts me in the mood." Fuck that. If someone tried to put their religious angle upon you every Holiday Season you'd tell them to piss off, yeah? Well I suppose movies are my religion, and if I wanna pray to Santa Claus or George Bailey or Alice Harford for John McClane then that's my basic human right, free from any form of persecution. The most we've been able to evolve is now in the form of a recycled meme I've seen for the past few years or so, always posted to the platforms in a self-congratulatory way, that reads "If Die Hard is a Christmas movie then so is Lethal Weapon". Welcome to the party, pal.

- Paul