SUMMER SNACKS!

Could I have somehow maintained this summer's theme and only eaten snacks from the 1970s? What the hell is even that? Fondue and Pop Rocks? (Come to think of it that sounds pretty good.) I think for the food stuff we can ease up on the blogging dogma and focus our attention on the good and the beautiful: Sustenance and Summertime. 

As usual I didn't find much this year, or at least much I was excited about. And also as usual, if new things come my way I'll share it on Instagram. But for now we have a dynamic lineup of sodas, sweets, and chips that span the spectrum between Jive-ass and Outta Sight. Dig.

- Paul

Skippy Oatmeal Protein Pie

Skippy is a very enticing brand - something about that shade of red and that shade of teal that makes me want peanut butter real bad. So in my mind's mouth I imagined some kinda smooth PB filling sandwiched between two oatmeal cookies. Imagine my bemusement upon seeing the sad, squashed, coagulated disc that most closely resembled the Happy Meal hamburger from 2 days ago that your cousin didn't want. Appearance and dry pasty consistency aside, the flavor is like sugar free, peanut free Tempur-Pedic mattress foam. There's got to be a better protein delivery system than this. Do not recommend. 

Sprite Chill

Lookit that label, man. The design's a little sparse but that color combination is pure Orinoco Flow. As indicated in bold, the flavor is "Cherry Lime" though the fine print next to it reads, "Lemon-Lime and Cherry Lime Flavored Soda." That's a lotta lime, folks, and the cherry is trembling under the weight of it. Nevertheless, it's nearly as breezy and refreshing as the graphics and it's probably the best thing Sprite has done since they started the Winter Spiced Cranberry back in 2019 - which now has a worthy Summer counterpart. 

Kit Kat Chocolate Frosted Donut

I don't like chocolate frosted donuts. I don't like frosted anything really - I don't like frosting. But that's usually because of the consistency, whereas these just behave and feel like normal Kit Kats -- except for the flavor, which I suppose could be like a donut(?). I will say say the chocolate is a very different chocolate, it's super sweet (which is my other turnoff with frosting) and the cookie's probably different too, I couldn't tell. I think it's obvious this made little impact on me.

Doritos Baja Fiery Mango

I'll say this much: it's one of the best lookin' Dorito bags since the 1990s. There's a volcano, tiny food illustrations, and a shark actually eating their current shitty logo. But back in my day we didn't mess with tropical fruits or "Baja"-related products (whatever that is), and that's when chips were chips, fam. My expectations were so low on these, and their greatest accomplishment is that they managed to plummet even lower. I'm always down for sweet & salty experiments (you're talking to Mr. Peanut Butter and Onions here) but these tasted like Fruity Pebbles and red pepper flakes. I say no.

Dr. Pepper Creamy Coconut

Every year, for what feels like a decade now, the Dr. has put out a new one, and every year I try it and my reaction is always the same: "It tastes like a damn Dr. Pepper." Such is not the case with this mutant flavor; as indicated on its labelling, regular Dr. Pepper supposedly consists of a blend of 23 flavors, and while civilians don't know for sure what these flavors are, the cumulative consensus has been the following: amaretto, almond, blackberry, black licorice, caramel, carrot, clove, cherry, cola, ginger, juniper, lemon, molasses, nutmeg, orange, prune, plum, pepper, root beer, rum, raspberry, tomato, and vanilla. No wonder a hint of whatever doesn't entirely reinvent the wheel. But with coconut, the same thing happens here as with any beverage: it turns vaguely into sunscreen. That's summery, sure, but so is the beach and I'm not into that either. 

Cheetos Mexican Street Corn

I like Cheetos - not the puffy ones, the crunchy ones (which these are) so they're already ahead. And I like street corn, so we're rolling right along here. Put 'em together, and I'm gonna tell you it works muy bien. Like almost addicting - I just continuously force them in without break. And then, as it turns out, the break is where the sourness falls, literally; one flavor you don't get immediately is the sour lime ingredient, which lingers as the literal aftertaste and kinda turns me off until the next round when I eat them too quickly to notice. You people with the lime. It never ends. 

Gummy Snack Pack

A whole assortment of picnic/cookout themed gummies all compartmentalized like the plate you put together yourself. I'll be honest, I secretly hoped that each gummy's flavor would at least mildly correspond with their respect shapes: Kraft Mac & Cheese, Oscar Meyer Hotdogs with all the fixins, and Claussen Pickles. Alas it was not the wild gross-out rollercoaster ride I kinda wanted, but just regular gummy-tasting gummies. The layers of the hotdog one are incredibly arduous to bite into but the little macaroni elbows and pickles are really fun snacking shapes. And all the colors here are just outstanding. 

Doritos Jumpin' Jack Cheese

Now here's a goddamn Dorito flavor - and understandably so: it first came out in 1990 and then was cruelly taken from us as is so often the case. What makes it a bit of a champion is that it's mild without being flavorless and is discernible enough to not hafta share a bed with any of the other flavors. The updated packaging is just horrendous but at least it's in such a way that stands out from the other horrendous bags, and the stark whiteness is also a bold indicator that it needn't rely on the gimmickry of sharks or flames or even color. I checked very recently and could not find any more in the store, so it looks like we're in for heartbreak again.