The Lost Woods

Moonbeam Entertainment Double Feature!

In 1988, Charles Band founded Full Moon Features, a movie production company specifically constructed for the home video market: low budget Horror and Science Fiction titles to be released straight into the wilds of the video store under their own distribution label. The momentum of the studio relied largely on the repetitive franchises of Trancers, Subspecies, and especially Puppet Master. Then, in the magical year of 1993, Full Moon established two additional labels that utilized the extreme ends of not only their range but the range of the video rental world: Torchlight Entertainment would be their sorta softcore porn studio, and their Children/Family Entertainment company was cleverly named Moonbeam Entertainment. 

Moonbeam released a few dozen titles throughout the 1990s and then around 2000 just stopped apparently, which I find confusing because that was right around the time that sloppy-looking Kids' Fantasy films started to overpower the mainstream marketplace. Similarly they introduced a lot of kid-friendly heroes and franchises that would've matched the climate: Josh Kirby, Johnny Mysto, Dragonworld, and our previously reviewed Alien Arsenal were all either legitimate series built from the ground up or deserved to be and would've flourished in the time of Sharkboy and Narnia. Instead they all remain confined to this 90s bubble of bad fashion and creepy creature FX and remain true pioneers in the genre of The Boy Who Lived. 

Immediately upon its formation in '93, Moonbeam released two movies. Their first one, Prehysteria!, you may have even seen or at least most likely heard of as a consequence of its popularity as a video rental; Paramount recognized its appeal and distributed it themselves so it was marketed in a way that was a little more visible and appealing to regular folk. Why did Paramount Pictures want a straight-to-video B Movie? Why did Charles Band agree to produce (and direct!) a movie for kids while simultaneously dedicating an entire branch of his company to continually doing exactly that? Could it have been the appeal of releasing a Dinosaur Movie in the middle of 1993? 

Supposedly a storyboard artist brought the concept drawings of the dinosaurs to Charlie and he recognized the potential salability and longevity; Full Moon are very proud of their stable of monsters - the Puppet Master dolls, the Demonic Toys, the Gingerdead Man, the Evil Bong, and nearly every Moonbeam feature showcased some crew of identifiable creatures all with different looks and personalities - and so it's entirely believable that Charles Band was immediately turned on by the prospect of having five distinct dinos that could easily carry a movie or even a franchise (there were two more Prehysterias). Even still, according to my intensive sleuthing, dinosaurs were at the height of their popularity around this time, especially with kids. 

"But Mr. Band, we make movies about possessed dolls and erotic werewolves. We don't do kids' stuff."

"Well maybe we should start..."

That could be my revisionist history, or my educated, accurate assessment of what went down. Behind-the-scenes speculation aside, the movie is pretty goddamn good(!) - I don't even mean "good (pause) for a Full Moon production" but like a fun and funny and fast paced Family Film that could've come from anywhere. The dinosaurs are pretty silly and stiff, and apart from the whimsical Richard Band music score, they're the only true indicator that we're in the Full Moon universe. Here's the plot in a sentence: a family stumbles upon some eggs that hatch out cute dinosaurs voiced by Frank Welker and they have to hide and protect them from a bumbling archaeologist (the wonderful Stephen Lee) who wants them for financial gain. 

It's cookie-cutter but they're damn fine cookies and thousands of miles away (literally) from the convoluted gothic dreck and magic spells and laser guns that its parent company was best known for. The irony is that this initial engagement into juvenile entertainment was by far their most mature effort up till that point; Full Moon never quite reached the heights of Hammer Films or the Robocop/Terminator vibes they craved, but Prehysteria! managed to successfully integrate some of the themes and plot points of E.T., Indiana Jones, and Jurassic Park into the budget that Spielberg probably spent on Reese's Pieces and Triceratops shit. The fact that the dino FX are the biggest weakness of the whole show is indicative of how strong the actual movie itself is. 

Prehystera! earned over $100 million in rentals - not to undermine its quality but I'm sure that had some to do with the Paramount partnership. This obviously led to Prehysteria! 2 the following year (and 3 in '95) but even before these numbers starting rolling in, Moonbeam predictably wasted no time on producing and releasing their next feature, Remote. 

I'm not sure if Remote was as well known or well received as Prehysteria! but it's the one I actually saw when it was new - on some pay channel like HBO, most likely due to the ongoing deal with Paramount. The premise is simple and familiar: Randy (Chris Carrara) is hiding in the attic of an uninhabited suburban house accompanied by his arsenal of custom-made remote control vehicles. When a trio of goofy thieves on the lam choose the empty house as their hideout, Randy wreaks havoc on their sanity with his RC toys.  

It didn't stand out to me as good or bad at the time - the premise just got jumbled into the white noise of clever kids in peril. In hindsight it was just the plodding parade of Home Alone dishwater that made it indiscernible (at least it didn't have ninjas too), but it's a lot easier to approach it now unfettered by a saturated culture of similar stuff. Upon revisiting it, it actually seemed kinda fresh - fresh as in new, but also fresh as in dope, rad, tight, phat -- like all kids' stuff it's gloriously dated and completely immersed in the year of its production (1993).

Randy is decidedly less obnoxious than Kevin McCallister and all 3 Ninjas combined, but the three character actor fugitives (John Diehl, Tony Longo, Stuart Fratkin) end up almost taking the lead. and for as ham & cheesy as they are they give the movie the saltiness it needs. 

It's amazing: even in a story that features literal remote control cars and planes, the movie still treats them as the creatures in this non-Creature Feature; Randy gives them all names like Huey and Zero as the film insists (unsuccessfully) that these toys have a personality. But that's the whole weird Full Moon model: the little gang of creepy things that are often meant to upstage the humans in the movie, but like Prehysteria! the film stands string enough that the little candy colored costars really don't add a whole lot. 

As Moonbeam pressed on, the movies became more and more drenched in Science Fiction and Fantasy, resulting in more stylized and FX-heavy films. But these first two domestic fables from this new company are the most coherent, straightforward tales to come out of anything under the Full Moon umbrella. (They had another movie, Pet Shop, that came out in '95 that sorta matched this low-key vibe.) But when they got too big for their britches they took that hard left onto the bridge to Terabithia long before that was ever put on film, and that mild edge faltered into Disney Afternoon feels. 

Full Moon and its new subsidiaries were at the perfect speed for me in '93; most of the features leading up to this time had been too dull for my liking and most of the stuff following fell into pot humor and self awareness. Between the two Moonbeam movies and Arcade and Mandriod and Dollman vs. Demonic Toys and Beach Babes From Beyond, 1993 was the most enviable, well-rounded groove in this company's history - they've always taken huge bites and it was never more than they could chew, but this was the best-tasting junk food of their filmography. 

- Paul

Boujee Bitch

BENNETT INVENTORY : That Moment

Airborne -- The Devil's Backbone

What was the most intense sequence to come out of 1993 Cinema? The T.Rex attack in Jurassic Park? The alien abduction in Fire in the Sky? The opening scene of Cliffahnger? Nothing but turkey shoots with extra tryptophan when compared to the climax of the Rollerblading Epic Airborne. If you think I'm joking it's because you haven't seen it, and if you have it's time to face the facts. 

The plot is mechanical and tedious. Very quickly: High Schooler Mitchell is forced to leave behind his gnarly California lifestyle and move in with his aunt and uncle in grey Ohio. All the Midwestern kids hate him and bully him for reasons that are poorly explained. Differences are set aside when Mitchell and his tormentors join forces for an inline skating race against a whole other set of bullies: rollerblading through residential and city streets on a route they've named The Devil's Backbone. 

The race isn't only the singular set piece of the movie, it's clearly the reason the whole movie was made: We wanna shoot this incredible extravaganza of stunts, so we need to build a story around it. The film has other choreographed moments of conflict and action and comedy, but in those moments you're just witnessing the by-the-book screenwriting you see in a lotta Action and Comic Book movies. Fortunately in this case, this sorta "filler" (which occupies nearly the entire picture) translates into a sharply accurate pastiche of its time; it's the most 1993 movie there ever was. You can enjoy it for that, no apologies, and it'll certainly help you get through to the absolutely astonishing final 15 minutes. 

Unlike the aforementioned movies I mentioned (as well as just about every other movie ever) this sequence is completely on-camera athletics: no digital animation, no blue screen, no organized fighting, no death proof cars, just helmets and kneepads and balls. Think along the lines of Evel Knievel or Jackass but shot & cut with more panache and perseverance. No suspension of disbelief is required, because 1. the movie doesn't leave any room to become emotionally invested in the point of the outcome, 2. you really can't tell which skater is which character in the midst of the action, and 3. stars or stunt people, what you're seeing is real. The feats are performed in real time and flirt along the borders of magic tricks, but it's the wipeouts and collisions and accidents that cause you to bring your hand to your mouth and audibly gasp. I continue to have zero interest skating - watching or participating - but that's because this works on a different level; these are practical effects writ large and extreme. 

- Paul

BK TEEVEE

TRADING CARDS :: 1993! (duh)

By 1993, trading cards (along with posters, magazines, and other ephemera) had almost entirely taken the place of traditional toys as a focal point of pleasure in my life. I'd done the baseball card thing for several years but by this time it was all about the Non-Sport; every popular movie and TV show had become a numbered collectible to the point that it just became mandatory: see the movie, collect the cards. It wasn't even considered a particularly nerdy thing to do - they were just another toy that probably got replaced by video games; a throwaway reminder of the moment, doomed to be bent and smothered at the bottom of your underwear drawer. Me, I preserved them - like a prehistoric mosquito if you will (or to a lesser extent, a Demolition Man), waiting till the day I could put them on the internet for you and say, "Here. Here's what it was like." 

- Paul

THE SIMPSONS (#1) "Homer J. Simpson" -- SkyBox

The show would've been it its fourth or fifth season around this time, but like all the other merchandise the cards captured the crudity of the earliest seasons - in the look and in the humor. Even then I'd already felt sorta defensive of its true quality: No really, Bart is a lot funnier than just relying on words like "hell" and "cow" and "shorts." Not dissimilar to Homer, the schlubby dad with low intelligence who bowls and eats donuts. Hilarious. 

TALES FROM THE CRYPT (#12) "Heads Will Rock 'N Roll Dude" -- CARDZ

The kinda interesting/kinda disappointing theme of this set is that it was focused entirely on the Crypt Keeper -- disregarding the predictable approach of featuring publicity stills from the show. At the same time having the Keeper in various states of silly dress does make for a more enjoyable collecting approach, even if it was monotonous. 

THE REN & STIMPY SHOW (#46) "Log!" -- Topps

It's hard to tell from this scan but this set was all printed as spectra prism cards that gave them a reflective shine which sorta fit in with the gaudy flamboyance of the show. Just the fact that they existed as trading cards felt like a further homage to the midcentury Americana that they continuously satirized. 

BENCH WARMERS (1 of 4) "Deirdre Imershein" -- Bench Warmer, Inc.

There was no shortage of explicit nudie cards in the early 90s, but waayy more abundant were the more modest model/bikini/pinup sets, and the leader in that subgenre was probably Bench Warmer - a woman in skimpy clothes doing athletic things. Even for non nudes I found them pretty exciting, but my even geekier side found it just as exciting to have this NOT FOR SALE promo card that I got god-knows-where. That's what makes it naughty. 

JURASSIC PARK (#29) "Gerry Harding" -- Topps

Who didn't love Gerry despite his lack of confidence regarding toxic berries? Gerry Harding was played by the film's producer, Gerald Molen, and his wobbly acting skills always made it seem as though he was an actual Jurassic Park employee who they allowed to be in the movie and even have a few lines, just to create a sense of authenticity. I hope he made it out alive. 

STATIC SHOTS

Fire in the Sky (1993)

YOKO OOZE

Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese

Summer snack? Well it's not really a snack as much as it is a meal; I always see mac & cheese alongside meatloaf and pork chops as "serving suggestions" and I'm like what gluttonous hoity-toity bullshit is this? That's why Kraft invented the Kraft Dinner back in the Depression Era - it's more than a side, it's enough.

Moving on. Macaroni and Cheese (or "Mac & Cheese" if you're in a hurry) is fundamental Summer Food. It can also be like a warm hug on a snowy day. Sometimes it reminds me of those in between mild/chilly seasons. It makes me feel like a kid, and it arouses many grownup memories. What I'm ironically getting at is that this economical easy-to-prepare dish is an inherent detail of life, like sunsets or The Rolling Stones. There are some who seem to process it as "a depression meal on a budget" but its medicinal properties demand that I only ever indulge in a celebratory fashion - it's how I was raised, no kidding: when I was little and the weather was right my father would insist I eat my macaroni and cheese on the front steps of our home, promising it would be better that way. I'm not sure that it was, I was never a picnic guy, but it certainly instilled a core memory in me that activates some Pavlovian response of fun and leisure. 

Elbow macaroni is plain and conformist but that was never the rub. As soon as I discovered that Kraft offered spiral and wheel shapes in their boxed dinners I never looked back. My sister swore by these but I approached as a novelty -- turns out the further away you move from elbow pasta the closer you get to Flavortown. This is not psychological - shapes taste better. Yeah it was more fun to eat little Tommys and Chuckys and Daffys and Luigis but the shapes were so indiscernible that it only further solidifies my point that the shape of the pasta determines the flavor. Why would we have come up with over 400 varieties of pasta in the world if not? -- you gonna tell me spaghetti tastes like rigatoni? Didn't think so, smartass. I couldn't tell which Animaniac I was eating, I just knew it was tastier than the standard limp noodle. 

Nowadays it's tough to come by shapes under the Kraft label. I eventually came to terms that the Velveeta Shells were the more nuanced Mac & Cheese experience, but that's really a different animal. Occasionally I'll come across a box of Paw Patrol or more likely their generic "Unicorn Shapes" - I really don't give a shit either way. I'm sure a police dog tastes exactly like Michelangelo; they could be swastikas and probably still be better than macaroni. But then I discovered a new shape in a slightly different box. 

Nearly all brands (and there are literally thousands) of macaroni and cheese incorporate the now-traditional blue/yellow palette on their box, so peripheral blindspots can occur when you're standing before the wall of Mac at your local market. But back in 2020 I spotted Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese at my usual Walmart, and slowly some backstory details started to become evident: immediately, a box is 50¢ while all the other shapes are $1, and that led to what should've been an otherwise obvious discovery - this was not Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, this was Nickelodeon Macaroni and Cheese. Legit Nick food! I mean if you wanna get technical, it's Viacom™ pasta, but that's got some kinda Philip K. Dick vibe (and not in the fun way). It's also exclusive to Walmart, which checks off just about every aggressively American stereotype on the form: cheap corporate poison aimed at toddlers. It's beautiful. 

A cynical, apathetic fool with a shamefully unrefined palette may ask "doesn't all boxed mac & cheese taste the same?" These people should be incarcerated or at the very least ignored. I'm here to tell you that Nickelodeon/Pinkfong Baby Shark Macaroni and Cheese are currently the best tasting shapes available to the public - if prepared correctly. First, you have to ignore the stigma of Baby Shark as a Pop Culture entity. I can remember when Barney & Friends was the big deal - not as much amongst children but with adults who openly (though I suppose playfully) would satirize the dinosaur with violence and cursing. I'm sure several recent generations have had to endure some kid-friendly phenomenon that didn't fit in with their interests, and as an actual parent during the Baby Shark craze I can say that people are typically pussies with no patience; the song's annoying but so is a lotta music and my skin is thick enough to deal with some catchy crap for a year or so. But it doesn't matter, this is about the food. 

To be honest the "sharks" are pitifully disfigured and small, and I'm an al dente person so when cooked it just amounts to a pile of chewy crumbs. So what you gotta do is make a lot - like 4-5 boxes. You can cook to your desired consistency, though I suggest using real butter and whole milk or half & half for a creamier experience. Add salt & garlic powder, garnish with a Cherry Coke and serve! 

The concept of Comfort Food doesn't just derive from making you feel lethargic and gassy, but mostly its nostalgic properties, either directly or implied, and Macaroni and Cheese is certainly the star on that Christmas Tree. I typically don't remember too many meals from throughout my life, or at least the circumstances surrounding specific dining experiences, but there are some. 

I do remember sitting outdoors at a picnic table at my cousin's house in the Summer of 1993. It was a brief lunch break amidst the Super Nintendo marathons and Super Soaker skirmishes, and my aunt made us Super Mario Kraft Dinner which as I ate I lined up tiny rubber Jurassic Park dinosaurs along the edge of the warped wooden table. Seems so unquestionably cliché when I say it aloud or write it down but if you know me or read this site regularly you know that I've always naturally embraced and consumed the culture most within reach of my life at every stage - especially in my youth. And macaroni and cheese was always there.

- Paul

 

It Came From FANGORIA ep. 7