1.29.2023

NO PARTICULAR ORDER : Movie Cameos


PAUL
Robert Patrick - Wayne's World
Brad Pitt & Matt Damon - Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Martin Sheen - Hot Shots Part Deux
Sid Haig - Jackie Brown
Iggy Pop - The Color of Money
Steven Spielberg - The Blues Brothers
Bruce Willis - Split
Hunter S. Thompson - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Jon Lovitz - Coneheads
David Bowie - Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

BABES
Kevin Bacon - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Robert Patrick - Wayne's World
John Hurt - Spaceballs
Bob Barker - Happy Gilmore
Glenn Close - Hook
Ryan Seacrest - Knocked Up
Everyone - Casper
Bill Murray - Zombieland
Martin Scorsese - Taxi Driver
Quentin Tarantino - Desperado

1.24.2023

NAME THAT MOVIE!

We are at what is called an impasse: "a situation in which no progress is possible" (source: the internet). There's been criticism re. the employment of too many mainstream/contemporary/American films in this just-for-fun time waster, though the last set of popular and/or successful movies accumulated a lotta pissing and/or moaning in respect of its overall difficulty. Shame on you, you're just too outspoken. We can't be holding your hand, driving the car, and talking on the phone all by ourselves, man. Just remember to keep it lite, have fun, drink water, don't forget to breathe. 



EASY





FAIR





DIFFICULT






1.21.2023

WHAP! THWACK! SPLAT! Cum On Feel My COMIC BOOKS

My relationship with comic books is an emblematic reversal of the poles; I'll buy a comic if it's based on a movie, show, or some other previously published piece of pop. It was just part of the package: buy the poster, buy the soundtrack, buy the trading cards, buy the action figures, buy the video game, buy the t-shirt, buy the Happy Meal, buy the comic book. To me, Batman was a movie, Wonder Woman was a TV show, and Tank Girl was Lori Petty in a bra and shorts; these crude little pamphlets from which they derived were merely charming keepsakes to commemorate a larger, more interesting spectacle. That's just a pretentious way of me waggling my dick at ephemeral souvenirs; I wouldn't seek them out and keep them were I not to appreciate their sentimental value. I cherish any visual or reading additives to whatever I'm into at any given time (which is just an inventory of all the same stuff at all times) and through turmoil and tragedy, I've lost many comics, so I cherish even deeper. Here are nine (9) that need little explanation because, as noted, we already know what they're about. 

- Paul


James Bond Jr.

Does anyone remember this show except for me? It even had its own shitty SNES game and crude action figures, but I might be the only person who was familiar with the Son of 007 before I'd ever even heard of 007. When Goldeneye came out I thought it was a clever live action spinoff.


But it must've been popular enough: Hasbro and Nintendo aside, they don't give a Marvel Comic Book to just anyone - I don't care who their father is.


Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

For however much Elvira "stuff" there was at the height of her popularity, there wasn't nearly enough. Max Headroom had more merch and he wasn't nearly as cool or sexy. Knowing this, if you find anything pre-21st century, grab and squeeze with both hands. 


Even the quality of this isn't really cutting any mustard. I can pretend these crude underground sketches kinda match the spooky punk charisma she brings, but really she deserves more.


Labyrinth

You know how 2D cartoon characters look weird when they're 3 dimensional? I'm the same with the other way around - particularly Muppets; flat, illustrated Muppets look anatomically obscure to me.


My weird hangups aside, I have to say that, unlike nowadays, this movie version is infinitely more visually compelling than this comic book. Plus no songs. 


Bram Stoker's Dracula

Now here's a movie with merchandise! Amongst the bounty of treasures they released to promote this flick, there was a concurrent trading card and comic series released by Topps - and they were, in fact, tops.


Glossy pages of unique artwork that doesn't necessarily reflect the look of the film but compliments it in such a way that suggests "this is what the comic book version would look like."


True Stories of Adult Film Stars: Jeanna Fine

Firstly I adore the Carnal Comics logo - mostly because I love brand parody, but also because no one ever seems to dare to satirize Marvel. But this book is uninhibited in that way - in every way really.


This pulpy smut rag is cowritten by Jeanna as a sorta autobiography detailing her rise to fame - without the boring parts. It also offers me dozens of tattoo ideas.


The California Raisins 3D

To my absolute delight, they had a comic (sorta)! There was a very short series of these 3D adventures involving Big Burger and his fast food henchman causing chaos throughout Raisinville.


Sounds like the most spectacular piece of illustrated literature ever published - only to be balked by the banal gimmick of off center red and blue outlines. No maroon, no bueno. 


The Ren & Stimpy Show

All the 'toons of my youth (Beavis and Butt-head, Animaniacs, The Simpsons) got the comic treatment and I consumed them like fries. I always shopped for trading cards (R&S had them too) but if a familiar image graced the cover of a comic, I snatched it. And that was the thing with cartoons: these covers looked exactly how they looked. 


I don't digest comics well - they don't read fluidly to me. That added to the absence of the voice actors and writing that doesn't live up to the source material equals a lotta disappointment. 


The Joker

What's this?! The Jester of Genocide has his own comic?! I know, I'm sure sure there's been a million of them at this point (and a movie), but imagine my initial discovery of finding pages of just Joker without all the Batman/Bruce Wayne melodrama. 


The joy of this is the now-vintage illustrations that makes each page and incarnation look like officially licensed apparel from 1975. 


Little Monsters

These are precious - to me and in general. Outside of the pocket-sized novelization was this collection of six issues not-entirely-based on the original plot per se, but rather took us on further escapades with Brain and Maurice.


As a concept, it's just more Little Monsters, and in my mind that feels like a movie franchise or TV series, but apparently this is just how comic books work. Now if they'd just make movies out of 'em...

1.18.2023

STATIC SHOTS

48 Hrs. (1982)






1.14.2023

1983 ...What A Feeling


An important year in pop culture, specifically because it was when I was born. I don't say that in a cutesy "god's gift to the world" way; were I not here, you wouldn't be reading this right now. Isn't that weird and cool? Point is, I was put on this earth to look at some shit (and probably a lotta other things I fucked up and/or missed out on) and it all started in February of this year of which I cannot remember.

I like to pretend I remember things from Year Zero. But maybe I was 1, or 2, who knows. Anyway that's not what this is about. I do know that this year was full of cultural significance that would eventually make an impact on me - either immediately, later on, or continually throughout my life. I'm always proud to note that the final episode of M*A*S*H aired the month I was born - as though it somehow linked me to a bygone era, dressing me in both wisdom and innocence. Truth is, Happy Days was still on the air. Dukes of Hazard had another 2 years. So did The Jeffersons. Fall Guy was still going strong. Richard Dawson was still hosting Family Feud. Turns out I'm as old as I actually am; stuff like Sesame Street and Scooby-Doo are not indicative of any era because they never went away, but more than that is that I come from the cusp of the "millennial" denomination - the scent of the 70s was still deep in the upholstery.


Top 40 music suggested otherwise; you can't get much more 1980s than "True" by Spandau Ballet or "The Politics of Dancing" by Re-Flex. The year introduced us to Madonna, Metallica, and Cyndi Lauper, while folks like Bowie, Elton, McCartney, and The Stones shifted their sound to mingle in the relevance of Music Television. It may've seemed like a vast variety at the time, but a 40 year distance will make Styx and Wang Chung that much more indistinguishable. And while I clearly wasn't conscious of it as an infant, I'm intellectually aware that it saturated my environment: my mother had albums by Men at Work and Culture Club, my father adored the lyrics to Nena's "99 Red Balloons," and my sister was into Air Supply and Journey. I'm certain there was a nonstop chaotic cliché of Greatest Hits of the 80s in the air.


I think it's fair to say I didn't see any new release movies this year, but like the music, HBO and VHS were full steam ahead at all times, so there was undoubtedly a healthy stream of Empire Strikes Back, Willy Wonka, Arthur, Pete's Dragon, Wizard of Oz, and whatever else videotape and pay TV expelled out into the space of our haunted apartment. Meanwhile, movies were being released into theaters that would find their way into my world - some later in life, some as soon as the following year. Some formative spectacles, a few big budget clunkers, and a lotta sordid cult items - some classics, some calamities, and not all to my liking, then or now. A bit of a tepid year in terms of qualitative quantity - especially compared to the monumental music output; Stephen King was thriving, Jaws was dying, and Barbara Streisand was the cutest Yeshiva Boy you ever saw. It was a bit of a flat soda as far as my taste goes, but per usual, holding them up against the content output of today, '83 was largely standout Motion Picture achievements with a few of the greatest films ever made thrown in. It's been exhausting maintaining some sort of "progressive" approach for however many years now, passively accepting whatever new "direction" movies seem to take. But This Is 40, and I resolve to be less shy and less polite about the recycled gunk of contemporary media vs. "the good old days"; there was a lotta broad expensive garbage and trivial lowbrow shame released in the Big 80s (and every other decade to varying degrees), but the ratio of innovation, experimentation, and risk was still much greater. Creative artists with original ideas were still getting studio pictures off the ground, largely unscathed, which in and of itself was progressing popular culture, rather than sucking the fumes of "the good old days." I'm old-fashioned like that; a conservative for a time when things moved forward, not scraping the guardrails alongside the highway to mediocrity. 

But I'm hard to please - the new century has taught me that. And so I had a tough time making love outta nothing at all (sorry) and was no way in hell gonna inflate this into a Top 40. So I did a traditional (and no doubt predictable) Top 20 of 40 year old movies - some have aged better than I, some have not, I adore them all.

The Best Will Be First.

- Paul



1. The Right Stuff
Not the first movie I saw or even the first movie I liked, but it's My First Movie. In the most obvious, superficial way, it sparked an obsession in me with the Space Program - not necessarily in terms of science, heroism, or interplanetary curiosity, but through the weird psychedelic moodiness the film falls into for nearly every set piece throughout. Combine that with inventive special effects and a bombastic Bill Conti score and it creates that kinda 2001 atmosphere that's mesmerizing to anyone of any age. Still though, to a toddler: Rocketship! 

2. Easy Money
This lowbrow premise coulda been a real disaster, but it wasn't. Like any comedian with a unique style, it works like butter when a script & story caters to them, and so we end up with a full-blown "Rodney Dangerfield vehicle" that matches both the content and delivery of his material. And you know what? Pesci & Dangerfield > Pesci & De Niro. 

3. The King of Comedy
But Bobby & Jerry? Fuhgeddaboudit. The chemistry between De Niro and Sandra Bernhard is really good too and I wish there were more of it. I remember what a huge deal it was when Analyze This came out and everyone was like "omg! De Niro is funny!" And I thought "well I'll let Midnight Run slide, but c'mon man." I wish Marty would make more movies like this, I wish anyone would make more movies like this - Joker notwithstanding. 

4. Twilight Zone: The Movie
Spent my whole life struggling to warm up to the Spielberg segment. Not really there yet, which is a shame because it's otherwise one of the greatest big budget Horror flicks of the 80s, ahead of The Fly and, ironically, Poltergeist. No matter - controversy aside, it's my favorite thing Landis and Miller (and God help me, maybe even Joe Dante) have ever done.

5. A Christmas Story
Roger Ebert noted, "...people don't often go to movies with specific holiday themes." Too true in the decades before the Cult of Hallmark, and so 1983 gifted us the ultimate sleeper hit, left wrapped in the corner, only to be discovered after the hoopla had died down. 

6. STAR WARS - Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
I've published big, contemplative prose regarding the weights and measures of this monumental resolution to the most lucrative and culturally significant film franchise that had ever been (at the time). But really, it's just about Bib Fortuna, Leia's bikini, Luke's green lightsaber, The Emperor's Royal Guards, and Vader's unmasking, because that's how STAR WARS works, kid. 

7. Bloodbeat
I don't like labeling a movie as "weird," but when I do it's something special. One of my favorite home video discoveries of the past ten years, this slasher/ghost/possession/samurai fable is evidently beyond definition and just beyond comprehension. And it's a Christmas movie!

8. Trading Places
The second entry in the Mount Rushmore of "1980s Eddie" and probably his best Straight Comedy. Not to ignore the other performances in the film, but it's such a quotable movie and any time I reach for a line it's one of his. And that kinda thing happens to me every week!

9. National Lampoon's Vacation
Always dwarfed by the graceful subtleties of its Christmas sequel, it's still strong enough as a Summertime counterpart. Having said that, Clark's final act profanity-laden meltdown in the car is the finest writing to come out of this year. 

10. A Blade in the Dark
Even a weak Giallo picture is likely to have some striking visuals and good music, both of which this movie has enough to spare. But few others manage to be this thrilling or weird or aware of itself - and that's saying something I think.

11. Scarface
It was never entirely what I needed it to be - but that was just a byproduct of the hype I think. I wanted more broad, more garish, more violent - every element for which it was demonized. Instead I settled into the subtleties (and soundtrack) which is where the vibe truly lies. 

12. Videodrome
One of the most fun scripts of the year fer sure; if anything, David's sense of Science Fiction is the closest to what I'd like it to be. And for all its big ideas and effects wizardry, I still struggle to find any kind of vibe.

13. Bill Cosby: Himself
Well this is awkward. I never watched his sitcom or kids' shows; after Mother, Jugs, and Speed I knew him from this (and probably Jell-O) and thought it was just hysterical - his bit about the dentist always thwarts the tension of all my office visits. I've not seen this since the unpleasantness, and so I continue to let my memories live in a separate room. 

14. Christine
Carpenter gets ghosts, and he spins a good yarn - even if it's not his own original yarn; he takes it upon himself to disregard an origin story, and in true Michael Myers style, the car is simply evil - which works for me so much more as ghost in the machine than a masked man. 

15. The Hunger
Tony Scott is at his best in the Action/Crime genre and he clearly knew that. But he knew Thriller, he knew Erotic, he knew mood, and those best elements of his later blockbusters are basically the only elements that make up this contemporary gothic tale, with heavy emphasis on both "contemporary" and "gothic."

16. The Dead Zone
As far as the movie versions go, there's some superficial parallels to The Shining: eccentric actor plays eccentric character who's confronted with grim scenarios from a different time. And while there's so much more to consider, that formula seems to be really effective for me. 

17. Nightmares
As uneven as any Anthology Horror, but just as competent as some of the best - mostly. If it ever feels cheap or low-key, that's because it was supposedly a two hour pilot that was deemed too scary for TV. Had it been as such it would've blown Tales From the Darkside outta the woods.

18. Sledgehammer
"Shot-on-Video" comes with a lotta baggage, and it takes legitimate talent to make these in a competent way and hopefully add a little extra. Low budget auteur David A. Prior does exactly that and manages to make a mind-bender of a movie that's more effective and efficient than most other Slasher flicks - of this time or any.

19. D.C. Cab
Something I'm noticing here: this year is a very stream-of-consciousness lineup; movies that have an abstract approach to traditional structure. This movie has a "plot" but it's boring af - you watch it for Busey, for Mr. T, For Charlie Barnett, for Irene Cara. The "hangout" movie of '83.

20. Zelig
Not the first Mockumentary, but perhaps the first feature length attempt at the refined silliness with which we've become accustomed to associate it. I've mentioned "High Concept Woody" in the past - it's tricky business, and always wears extremely thin by the final act. It's excusable here, as long as it's true to the life of Leonard Zelig.