SUMMER SNACKS!

We told you it was gonna be bad. It's still early yet, but so far there's nothing to really be excited about. We found some new junk here & there - I don't think that it's all particularly Summery with a capital "Summer" - but they're new! As we continue to guide you through One Bad Summer, we'd like to seize every opportunity as a learning experience in perspective; all I want is a Pepsi, while at the same time there's a baby food shortage in this country. That doesn't make this Summer any less Bad, but we'll count our blessings and our Butterfingers that we can get what we get and we don't get upset. 

Let's eat some shit.

- Paul

Doritos Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch

Me me, I'm a Nacho Cheese man. But we all like to bask in the B-sides now & then and drift away, and that's the whole purpose of the Cool Ranch option. But Cool Ranch with flames on the sides of its face?! That could be just what it needed to blast it outta Squaresville and share a bed with its cheesy, sexy stepmom. And I like anything with heat - but that's the paradox here: they are a little hot -- just enough to drown out any hint of Cool Ranch flavor. I can't believe I'd ever say this, but: too much bass, no treble. 

Snickers Cinnamon Bun

You can't do too much to a Snickers before it's no longer a Snickers. You can change out the chocolate, the nuts, the caramel, or the nougat, but it's gotta maintain that robust dick vein energy. So what does a cinnamon bun taste like with milk chocolate, peanuts, and caramel? Like that - exactly as described. A cinnamon bun is warm and soft and fragrant and a Snickers is an imposing chore of a snack. The psychologically mismatched consistency and jumble of flavors are a boring mystery that I don't care enough to solve.

Twizzlers Tropical Blast

Now for some inexplicably good news. I included Twizzlers the past 2 years in a row and their less-than-thrilling results - and there was no letdown because they're consistently a bland, plastic nuisance. Not the case with these hyper-sweet explosions of licorice delight. I've never had any of the "filled" Twizzlers (which does have an unfortunate consistency that resembles some sorta discharge), but both flavors (Pink Guava and Paradise Punch) are stronger and softer than any other novelty they've put out; it's on par with snacks from the 1990s. 

Dr. Pepper Dark Berry

I'm gonna say it every time: Dr. Pepper is like Pringles (and vice versa); whatever graphics they decorate the package with, whatever piece of poetry they use as its flavor, whatever potions they pour into the pot, they're always gonna taste like their home base. This Jurassic World tie-in is no exception - except for a tiny added bonus of horribleness; we've discussed the dangers of the amorphous "berry" flavor, and its theatricality and deception pulled fewer punches this round. "Berry" is typically delegated to cough medicine, and that seems to be the atmosphere they're going for. So if you want a mock Flaming Moe, have at it. 

Kinder Bueno White

I've found every variety of this brand to be quite delightful. But I never buy them due to their incompetent package design that places somewhere between Pennzoil Platinum and panty shields. I can't stress the importance of presentation; it's not even a protest, I just pass by them like white noise. Still though, it's the only white chocolate variation that I've spotted in a while, so it makes the list. That & it is predictably quite delightful. 

Bigs Taco Supreme Sunflower Seeds

I don't think I like sunflower seeds - and I'm embarrassed about that and I don't know why; like I'm supposed to love them because they're charming and traditional. Personally I find eating them to be an alarming burden on the senses - like some kinda cursed chewing gum that puts little holes in your tongue. Am I supposed to swallow these thumbtacks? So it's fair to say that some mild Mexican flavoring wasn't going to epiphanize my approach. And it didn't. I mean, you could marinate a hairbrush in taco seasoning and it'll inevitably taste like Taco Bell (maybe even exactly), but this Summer needn't be intentionally bad.

Kit Kat Duos Strawberry + Dark Chocolate

An unimproved Kit Kat is puritan lovemaking. But when they mess around, things get kinky. Consider this bootylicious bonbon draped in the most vivid lingerie I've ever seen on foodstuff. Look at that color...

That's unfiltered, folks - all natural Red #40, the way God intended. And not at all to be outdone by the immediate aroma: it smells the way strawberries look - almost with a Febreze intensity, which is only briefly off-putting if you approach it as an alluring perfume. And while foods don't typically taste as good as they smell, this sexual chocolate is a surefire exception. Whip up some candlelight and Luther Vandross for complete satisfaction. 

Burger King Spicy Whopper Melt

Summer snack/Summer meal? Fast food is hardly filling enough to not be eligible, and this seemingly hearty hamburger won't be disqualified. I could write an essay on my feelings/relationship with The BK, but I'll tone it down and say that this thing fits right in with their menu. The largely brown & yellow advertising had me feeling like 1978 (not to mention the concept of a "melt"), and that's all I really cared about.

I don't know if I had to ask for it to be "toasted," but now I know the experience of stale Burger King white bread. Obviously this pathetic squashed thing wasn't gonna be like the pictures - I'm not new. But when it comes to cold, coagulated gobs of thawed beef & produce, I'll take any of the other chains any day.

Jarritos Fiesta Pack

How bratty and shortsighted it is of me to sit around waiting for the Coke & Pepsi Corps. to fulfill my cola desires. There's so much soft drink out there to find - and I found what will maybe be the most fun project I got going on this season. 

Never mind the immediate, unquenchable draw to the novelty of glass bottles, but the immense variety that I'm facing is almost too much to comprehend. This isn't some hit-or-miss Mountain Dew variation from the convenience store cooler -- I've got 12 brightly-colored adventures on my radar.

I'll spread these out over some period of time, so the real review here is just the very existence of this pop piñata, and it's a very enthusiastic thumbs up. I'm sure there are winners and losers, but I'm the true victor here.