I SAW IT ON TAPE - Sidekicks

When I was a kid, we moved around a lot, all within the parameters of eastern southern New Hampshire. When my Mom met my step Dad, the goal for them was to get out of small city apartment living and graduate to home ownership in the deep woods. In the summer between 6th and 7th grade, he achieved his desired financial readiness, and off to east bumfuck we were.

  We were just far enough away from where we were living that it was a permanent goodbye to my old friends and mild popularity. School had just ended, and with trees the only thing to talk to, I was getting lonely fast. The street we moved onto was 7 miles long so I jumped onto my bike and headed out in search of prepubescent civilization. 

  There was a whole lotta nothing and it was burning hot, so I was about to turn around when I saw, a girl! She appeared to be my shape and size which was fine by me. She did, however, have a basketball, and seemed sporty in style. My mom made me do basketball in 6th grade so while I wasn't the greatest player in the world, I could hold my own. I approached cautiously but optimistically. Her name was Nicole and she was just as glad to find a friend in the neighborhood as I was. She wanted to take me on a bike ride to show me the town. 

   Downtown consisted of her church, a store the size of small bathroom, and a public library that was only open two days a week. We had no street lights, no malls, no restaurants, no fun whatsoever. But she seemed nice and I was happy to have her. Our eagerness to keep our newly found friendship going extended to a sleepover invite. She informed me that she had a large family with a lot of kids, which sounded like medicine to my pathetic soul. 

  When I walked in, I was less greeted and more clobbered by her 16(!) brothers and sisters - two of which were pregnant with their own offspring. Her Father was feeding a baby and her Mother was, well, maintaining sanity with a cigarette in her hand. Some of her siblings were adopted and some had a range of mild to severe disabilities. They pitched in and took care of each other. 

  Walking me through their worn house I was brought to her room, which even though it was an interior room without any windows, she informed that it was a luxury space that she had all to herself. It was teeny and had just enough space for a set of bunk beds and an end table with a lamp without a shade. I was to have the bottom bunk which did not have a sheet on it or a blanket. Trying out my bed, I was greeted by a very angry spring that was going to burrow its way into my back that night.

  Then she lead me through the house to a large living room with several tattered couches with varying stains, holes, and thread bare blankets. Kids of all ages were climbing on me and wrestling me to the floor. All of them yelling or whispering my name like I was some kind of celebrity. It was loud and chaotic, and may be the first time I felt true anxiety. 

  The Matriarch of the family entered and a great hush fell upon the room. It was time for her to prepare dinner, which meant "movie time." The silence became a chorus of children chanting "Sidekicks! Sidekicks! Sidekicks!" I was peripherally aware of the Jonathan Brandis movie, but hadn't seen it. I found a place on a sofa and watched the mob of dirty kids crowd around me as she put in the tape.

  At first I was amazed at how engrossed they all were. Staring at the small old tv like they were watching the moon landing. In actuality they were looking at Chuck Norris's karate moves, which to be honest, is just as awe inspiring. At first I found the character of Barry to be relatable, in that he uses his imagination to make Chuck Norris his friend, filling a deep void. I did the same when I was 6 with Beetlejuice, even going as far as buckling his action figure up beside me in the car to ensure he wouldn't get hurt in any potential car crashes. Now that I'm an adult though, I'm more convinced that Barry is suffering from delusions, considering his more advanced teen age.

  I could see how the film would resonate with this family. It's action-packed and can distract long enough for a Mom to make food for a zillion people, while it remains vanilla in its violence. This being a deeply spiritual Christian family, that would be important to them. And while the climax is silly, they defeat what can be perceived as the evil doers. 

  After the movie we were all ushered into the kitchen which had large wooden picnic tables. We were all portioned a cup of spaghetti and a glass of water. Everyone was promptly sent to bed at 7:30. Lying there wide awake with the bedspring happy in its place, I made it another half hour before calling my mom, and faking an illness to go home. I couldn't hack it. Every family is different and not without its own absurdity. 

- Babes

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part X: "Crime Zone" and Cheez-It Italian Four Cheese Pizza

The sort of convenience of the "B-Movie" is that you were stuck with it -- you'd paid your money, you had your seat (or parking spot), you'd already taken in the headline feature, and now it was time for the wild card. Cut to decades later and it's 12:05 am and you're watching HBO or USA or TNT and you're definitely in for the evening but don't plan on sleeping -- they had specific low budget exploitative programming for that scenario too. It's only when it came to physical media, and now streaming, that we were given the option to seek out and commit to these ham & cheese heroes spunky cinema. And it's only the purveyors and connoisseurs of the Fine Arts like you and us who know what to look for and where to find it. 

To describe a film as a "Roger Corman Movie" is actually a pretty broad descriptor; while they all have a lotta elements in common they fell under a pretty wide spectrum of genres (and subgenres, and sub-subgenres). Crime Zone from 1988 falls into the Bleak Urban Orwellian Future category - you know, where everything takes place in damp warehouses. It very much wants to be Blade Runner but really it shares a shelf with 1988's Space Mutiny; a futuristic police state where all the wacky laws are told to us through expository dialogue. Ultimately all that translates to is trench coats and concrete interiors with enough neon signs to make you think someone in the art department had a glass blowing studio in their apartment. The movie stars Sherilyn Fenn and Peter Nelson as an outlaw couple who decide to rage against the machine with the help of a morally ambiguous David Carradine. Big or small budget, this setup can be pretty tedious -- and Crime Zone is no exception. If anything this type of setting can usually allow room for some striking visuals, but the cheapness of the production is literally left in the dark - to the point that hardly anything is visible. Like a lotta Corman movies, it was "based on an idea" he had, and then no one really bothered to fill in the blanks. 

A lot can be said for new or crazy or exciting "ideas" but putting them into action in a competent way is where the magic happens. Elaine Benes one said "It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza." Nearly three decades later and here we are, putting mozzarella, cheddar, parmesan, romano, and tomato sauce on a giant cheese cracker - but not just any cracker, a big ass Cheez-It! To be fair, it's just a Cheez-It-flavored crust -- and to be even more fair, it totally does taste like a Cheez-It. If you go into it blindly it might not be immediately recognizable under all the toppings, but if you're intellectually prepared it hits hard and fast. The trick it to cook it exactly long enough to make it as crispy as the cracker from which it derives... if that's what you're going for. This is a good opportunity to point out that the democracy of this series dictates that we're to determine a letter grade average for these subjects, and there was a sizable difference of opinion when it came to this pizza. But from any vantage point, if you want a pizza made from Cheez-Its, this is as real as it gets. 

The Movie: D+

The Pizza: C

20 Fake Boobs

Tits. Jugs. Knockers. Hooters. Magumbos. Snack Trays. And about 50 million more. As much as I'd like to compile a list of favorite Topless Scenes in Cinema, this felt more challenging (and also less vulgar): miscellaneous moments when some breasts were used for laughs, for shock, or for set design - and they've all been augmented to be not quite what they seem. (No Big Naturals here, folks!) It's not difficult to understand but those who skipped this intro are gonna be confused. They deserve what they get. 

9 scenes. 20 breasts. Do the math. 

- Paul

Being John Malkovich

The script only describes her as "the woman across the table" but the slow tilt up to the seductive Malkovich smile is only further punctuated by his amazing rack. 

F/X 2

In order to catch a serial killer, Officer Mike Brandon must stand in for a potential next victim by posing as a vulnerable-but-busty shower babe. Bonus: you can use the nipples to call for backup. 

Bachelor Party

Tom Hanks battles various voices of reason while trying to not be overwhelmed by Monique Gabrielle's most noticeable assets.

The NeverEnding Story

This is when Family Films had balls (and boobs). Nevermind the bloodthirsty wolf or dead horse or the total annihilation of Fantasia - the most confrontational element of this movie are the big firm breasts of the Southern Oracle. We were all taken with them, though we never said it out loud. 

Fight Club

"Guys with boobs" as a gag is pretty flat (no pun), but Meat Loaf as a supporting character in a Gen X cautionary tale of consumerism and nihilism sporting giant fake bosoms is frankly the kinda Cinema we don't do much of anymore. 

Night of the Demons

Speaking of Groundbreaking Film -- a possessed Linnea Quigley applies a lipstick heart over her entire face and then inserts the lipstick tube into her left breast via the nipple. Audiences today couldn't comprehend this level of brilliance.  

Dumb and Dumber

While moments away from a head-on traffic collision, Lloyd becomes a deer in Mary Swanson's headlights. There are several puns happening at once, but it's also possible Lloyd has never seen real breasts outside of Rhode Island Slut. 

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

Kaiju mammaries! Actually juts one singular massive natural courtesy of mad scientist John Carradine satirizing the genre he helped build -- with boobs. 

Total Recall

I'll admit it: I've only ever had trouble getting past the phoniness of it, and the idea of the deformity itself was slightly too odd to be sexy. But I'm an ass man so what do I know? 

l.a.times #8

STATIC SHOTS

Summer vacation 2025

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part I: "Puppet Master" and McCain Smiles

Hello, and welcome to yet another continuing series that involves us watching stuff and eating things -- because that's all we do anyway so why not make it your problem? As strongly implied by the title, we're buying bags of frozen french fries and cookin' 'em at 425 as we indulge in the low budget library that is Full Moon Features - the Home Video production company started by Charles Band in 1988. We don't like to impose a ton of "rules" in these lighthearted shenanigans but for consistency's sake we're sticking to the films actually produced by the studio and excluding all the previous Charles Band/Empire Pictures releases. That may seem irrelevant but we point it out as a way to call attention to the fact that this leaves us nearly 150 features to wade through (with more likely on the way). 

For fun (because that's the whole point) we begin this program at the very beginning with the very first Full Moon Production, 1989's Puppet Master. A wildly successful video rental (in "cult" terms) that has generated 14 sequels/spinoffs (thus far), it became the sorta symbol for the whole company; the name and its killer dolls are basically the Micky Mouse of Full Moon. In all honesty, we've seen this movie a handful of times already, and up to and including this most recent viewing, we just can't warm up to it - let alone comprehend its popularity. The premise involves a small group of psychics meeting together at a hotel where William Hickey made some possessed dolls 50 years earlier. The dolls have been freed from their tomb and are killing off the principal players one by one - but really there's only like five characters and two of them survive, so you could say there's some padding. Actually the whole movie could be described as padding: just a formless, convoluted pillow to fall asleep on. That's why its cult status as a video rental is so confounding - the movie's way too boring to create any sorta "party" atmosphere, and the four or five dolls (as cool looking as they are) don't really do much with their minimal screentime. Though while you wouldn't call this movie traditionally "atmospheric", it does establish the unique Full Moon mood that's ultimately present in all of their films.

To pair with this classic of Home Entertainment we chose a classic from Home Cuisine: The Smiley Fry. Several brands have tried their hand at this whimsical shape but McCain did it first in the 1970s and that's the label we've chosen to match our "original" movie. For us (like many) these fries have an air of childhood about them - no specific memories but the nostalgia is there. But clearly we've never cooked them ourselves as an adult because the same rules don't apply to these as regular french fries. We like our potatoes crispy, so when it comes to frozen fries we always add at least another 10 minutes to the suggested baking time. Apparently, Smiles are so dense that their innards dry out before the faces ever achieve that golden brown we're looking for; we wanted them to be something that God never intended, so in the end that's our folly. Still, one could only imagine how good these would've been had they not turned into tater-flavored wallpaper paste. 

The Movie: D+

The Fries: C-

VIOLENT FANTASIES - The Playlist

It's 1am when the phone rings. That low-rent street pusher tryna make a name for himself wants you to meet him by the docks. You know exactly how it's gonna go down, so you refuse. That's when he tells you, "I got someone here who'd like to say hello..." He puts your daughter on the phone. So you load up the Lambo with all the arsenal you got and speed toward the meet, because you're outta options. 

Soulless real estate developers wanna build a new strip mall right on top of your town's skate park. Obviously they're not gonna take a buncha kids seriously so you & your friends devise a charity concert of local bands to raise money and awareness against corporate greed. 

Three women have been murdered so far and you know you're next on the list; a brunette Sagitariius living on the lower Eastside, you're exactly his type and you know it. So you sit alone in the darkness of your room, and even though detectives watch you from the next building and you have a gun in your garter, you just know he'll be ready for that. 

You thought working at a pizza parlor on the beach all summer long was gonna be a drag. And then one day she rolled in - the bitchin' babe on roller skates that everyone would've killed to be with and was criminally underappreciated by her dickhead boyfriend. You think you want her, but really it's your mousy coworker who's actually the girl of your dreams. She knows it, so when're you gonna come around?

Your grades are down, your parents are on your case, and you gotta protect your only friend from bullies because he's such a nerd. But you need his help because you most likely live next door to a werewolf and he knows about that kinda stuff. So you both conjure up a spell that's supposed to reverse the wolf's curse but instead you awaken the mummy at the local museum's Egyptian exhibit. 

The year is 2145. It's been nearly a century since the humans defeated the machines, and the planet has been at peace. A "utopia" they call it - as long as all electronic devices remain outlawed. But there is an underground rebellion growing that worships the language of music, and they trade compact discs like illegal narcotics - the priciest ones being the albums actually composed with electronics, like synthesizers and drum machines. 

Whatever the situation is, wherever your journey leads, whatever your fantasies are, you're gonna need a soundtrack - some music to either compliment the mood or create one. And if your adventures involve cruising down Ocean Drive at sunset, questioning call girls on 42nd street, or walking on air after stealing that first kiss, we've got 50 sweltering songs here to punctuate that exact moment when the bullet hits the bone. Granted, YouTube is already flooded with playlists tailored to themes similar to Violent Fantasies but this is the only one that interweaves all the vibes into one singular event of gun fights, romantic nights, and plot twists that never get old. Click the image below and we can shake your blues right away. 

I SAW IT ON TAPE - The Wizard

Everything seems to move a lot faster nowadays. I don't just mean the accelerated passage of time that comes with old age (2025 is half over??) but the way contemporary media finds its way into our homes. A new TV show could premiere tomorrow morning and you can watch it through to the series finale before bed. I can go see a matinee at the theater and then come home and fast forward to see if I missed anything after the credits. "Reserve" became "preorder" and then "preorder" became "pre buy". We're always trying to recreate the past because the future is fleeting. Getting what we want right when we want it is such a tepid thrill (mostly because the choices are crap) but the nuanced joys of anticipation and yearning seem to be outmoded. Believe it or not, this isn't me lamenting the loss of my childhood and the days when we had to wait 6 whole months for a movie to journey from the cinema to the video store. Instead I'm here to point out that that's exactly when things started to speed up, and like everyone else who hit the ground running I leaned to adapt. 

The Wizard opened in theaters in December of 1989 to bad reviews and poor box office. Whatever, that's not what this is about -- this is about that span of time between its theatrical run and its video release in June of 1990. I (like many people apparently) did not see the movie in theaters, but I remember the incessant TV spots that wisely aired during all my afternoon TV programs, and these commercials had two things to sell: the kid from The Wonder Years, and Super Mario Bros. 3. Sure I liked Kevin Arnold, but the more exciting part was getting a glimpse of the new Mario game - which, of course, is the big climactic reveal of the last act and so they ruined that surprise 10 times a day during commercial breaks between Hey Dude and Captain N. What that did was got me all excited for the new video game, not this new movie, and I'm guessing that was the national consensus. Super Mario 3 was released in the U.S. in February of '90, so by the time The Wizard was on videotape in June, me and the rest of the country (and the world) were already entirely familiar with all the ins and outs of Nintendo's crown jewel. But for me, that created a new kinda buzz: now I wanted to see the movie about the kid that gets to play Mario 3 on a giant TV screen, because now there was a context I could relate to, but also fantasize about. At any rate, a Kids' Movie about video games wasn't some manipulative ploy, it was an attractive and believable premise and so I certainly had interest. 

Shortly before its VHS release, my sister (who's 12 years my elder) moved out of our house and into her first apartment. Whithin a few weeks of moving in, getting settled, buying groceries, and acquiring a pet cat named Felix, she invited her little brother over for a sleepover. She was excited to play host and show off her new place, and I was excited because I was 7 years old and so any small activity out of the norm was fun and interesting - particularly if that activity involved Domino's and a tape rental. The tape was, of course, The Wizard because everything just lined up that way. So, pizza, summertime, sleepover, new movie, it should've been an otherwise unblemished memory in the rolodex of my protected little childhood, but physically I felt like garbage. I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV watching Beau Bridges and Christian Slater bicker their way to California and noticing that it was literally hurting my eyes to look at the screen. And then noticing it was painful to look at anything. And my throat and neck and skin were all burny/itchy - so much so that I couldn't hide it, causing my sister to freak out and call my mother crying, "He's all itchy and wheezy and I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do!" This is where it becomes notable to point out that I never had a pet cat growing up because my father was allergic to them, and this is the part of the plot when everyone discovered at the same time that I too was allergic to cats. Felix had me all fucked up, to the point that had I stayed overnight my face would've melted off like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. 

You know I love any opportunity to write or talk about The Wizard, and it often ends up as a defense; always defending the quality of the movie, my subjective adoration for the movie, and dismantling and discrediting all the flimsy criticisms against it. It (along with everything else in the universe) lies at the mercy of The Internet now, and so whenever it's mentioned in that ring of fire we're treated to the endlessly "fresh" observations regarding product placement and "California" and the Power Glove being "so bad". Of course, the most common comments continue to be the conviction that the only way to enjoy it is through the lens of personal nostalgia; that's it's a bad film and the only reason to watch it is to indulge in some sorta sentimental irony. Well I'm here to say (yet again) that I have very different feelings about The Wizard, and if I truly wanted to simply feel as though I were a child watching it for the first time I could just pour beach sand into my eyeballs and do a shot of Clorox. How's that for nostalgia? 

- Paul

The Pizza Dudes (and Dudettes) of 1990

Pizza delivery is a perilous exploit, and these 5 examples from 35 years ago are sobering scenarios that may force you to consider a safer work environment - maybe at your local Clown Dog or Whammy Burger. Let us now salute these brave purveyors of pizza - they all sacrificed so that we didn't have to.

- Paul

Tony

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

He laments that he's "gotta get a new route", but his late night delivery to the sewer gate that is 122 and an eighth is easily the safest excursion on this list -- unbeknownst to him he's in the presence of the city's bravest heroes in a half shell. This actor, Michael Sisti, wore the Michelangelo suit in this movie as well as in Secret of the Ooze. 

"Pizza Boy"

Home Alone

I was always of the mind that this kid didn't deserve any of this bullshit. I get that it's a prank and Kevin's literally playing it for our benefit but ever since the first time I saw it I found that this scene makes our protagonist that much less likable. You already stiffed him on the tip, the additional PTSD was unnecessary. 

"Pizza Man"

Men at Work

Dean Cameron played a lotta obnoxious schlubs who were always luckier than they should've been. It isn't until he begins delivering for Pedro's Pizza and Pancakes that his luck runs out and he finds himself at the mercy of a crazed Keith David and battling mobsters at the city dump in the middle of the night. At least he got offered a slice of his own pie, which is unheard of. 

Devo

I Love You to Death

I'm not sure that Joey's Pizza offered a delivery service, but if they did, between waiting and bussing tables, taking out the trash, taking care of the maggots, and attempting to murder his employer, I'm sure those duties would fall on Devo. 

"Pizza Girl"

Slumber Party Massacre III

She's relieved of her delivery duties for Ciao Chow Pizza when a squirrelly young man bribes her to use the pies as a means of getting into the titular slumber party. She makes $46 out of the deal but that doesn't let her off the hook -- or drill, so to speak.