ATTACK OF THE 90s MOMS!

They were strong. They were independent. They were bad, they were bold, they were wiser. Bitch, lover, child, mother. More specifically, not really very good mothers at all. With their dated fashions and cute haircuts and powder blue minivans, the snooty matriarchs of 90s Cinema were often the secret antagonists - against their dopey husbands, sure, but also their precocious kids. Time and time again I remember thinking, "I'm glad my mom's not like that", but of course I was too young to realize that my mother wasn't merely a plot function of my story. In a lotta cases these women mean well and they're not all failures, but we can still giggle at their high-waisted jeans and naive sensibilities. Sadly, not every mom could be Morticia Addams. 

- Paul

Miranda Hillard

Mrs. Doubtfire

When I was a kid, she just came across as the horrible woman who tore apart her family and made Robin Williams cry. As a rational adult, that's still how I view it. Apparently a little House of Pain was just too invasive to carry on any longer and now her despondency is everyone's problem. 

Helen Knable

Stay Tuned

Underwritten character, or accurate portrayal of self-absorbed career gal? Her husband was grossly inattentive to her in every way, but she could've recognized his addiction as the escapism and suffering that it truly was. 

Irene Madigan

Last Action Hero

She does her damnedest trying to hold the reigns on a kid who can't even stay in his own dimension let alone navigate the perils of New York City. But c'mon Mom, are you so detached from your child's interests (and that unhip to Film) that you don't recognize Jack Slater? 

Jessica Tanaka-Douglas

3 Ninjas

Everyone wants a mom who encourages us to learn ninjutsu from our wily grampa and run off and get in adventures, but what is this mom's real motivation? There isn't much to be said of either parental figure in this franchise because they're never the fuck around! 

Kate McCallister

Home Alone/Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

It was never about forgetfulness, it was about negligence and apathy. The Mother and Child reunion in both movies is heartwarming, but every other exchange they have over the course of the two films is full of resentment and hostility and empty of love. 

Alice Mitchell

Dennis the Menace

Thus is the lore of the Menace that is Dennis - no grownup alive can tame him. Though this iteration ups the ante, depicting both parents as young urban professionals. Very progressive, though it does allow young Dennis to get kidnapped by a greasy derelict. John Hughes, you've struck again!

Mrs. Crandell

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

It's one thing to sorta accidentally leave your kid home alone, but this is just structured, intellectualized abandonment. Separating from your immediate family for an entire season would typically be something mandated by a court of law, but no, Mom just needs alone time - at the cost of leaving her children with an abusive stranger in poor health. To her credit, she's raised five likable, mostly intelligent kids. 

Susan Evans/Laura Miller

The Good Son/The Santa Clause

Wendy Crewson playing two women who have absolutely no idea what's going on with her children (though still maintaining a fire fashion sense). Or maybe it's denial. In all fairness, between a murderous Macauley and the magic of Christmas, she's got some very tough pills to swallow, and she fully redeems her misjudgments in both cases. (I'm sure an elaborate fan theory connecting these two movies would be good for a chuckle.)

STATIC SHOTS

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

6 Inconspicuous Sequels

I won't say "underrated" - mostly because I hate the term. But that also wouldn't be accurate; these are six Number 2s that are largely unnoticed, unpopular, or are just generally unassuming in nature, and I find them all to be pretty wonderful. 

Queen II

Not that their self-titled debut album was much more popular, but apart from its iconic cover art (that was famously recreated for the "Bohemian Rhapsody" music video the following year) this one usually flies under the radar. It contains one single, "Seven Seas of Rhye", which proved to be their first sorta hit, but the rest of the tracks would be mostly unfamiliar to a casual Queen fan. My advice to them and to anyone is to experience this album wholly, chronologically, and without pause, as it's constructed as one nearly unbroken opera of pomp, metal, and folk. It takes the Abbey Road gimmick further (and with more finesse) and explores changes in pace and tone that are actually more ambitious and bombastic than, say, "Bohemian Rhapsody". 

Coke II

I've written about this before. And talked on camera about it before. And I'm gonna keep bringing it up until I've made a goddamned feature film about it. Released in 1992 (or rather, renamed) it was beautifully packaged with the traditional red & white boldness, but now with blue highlights and a fancy Roman numeral that made it feel like a Rocky sequel. At 9 years old the sheer novelty of it was the initial draw - like, Batman gets a sequel, and now mf Coke does too?! Furthermore, I found the soda to be really good; even at that age I was already experimenting with potential pops to break up the boredom my Coca-Cola excess, and Coke II played that part for however long it was alive. It was only decades later that I discovered Coke II was actually New Coke in different clothes, and while it may be more famous (or infamous) as its first iteration, it'll always be Coke II to me. 

Snowball II

At this stage of the game, The Simpsons has no more "minor characters" - they've mined everyone from Gil to Bumblebee Man, and even though I'm largely (maybe somewhat entirely) unfamiliar with the last 15 years of this show, I can definitely say Snowball II kept her dignity. I know this because she eventually met her fate in a Season 15 episode and was replaced by Lisa with a cat who is ultimately Snowball V. So the tried-and-true Snowball II was solely part of the supposed "Golden Age" of Simpsons - in that time surviving basement flooding, lack of grooming, and a possible romance with Scratchy. She lost her life when she was run over by Dr. Hibbert, and she quite possibly took the series with her to the grave. 

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

My relationship with video games is narrow and my interests in them are specific. This sequel to the groundbreaking Legend of Zelda was actually quite popular when it was released in 1987, though after so much time and so many more Zelda games, this is the one gamers point to as the weakest. I like when I get the opportunity to point out that I'm not a gamer, so with my limited experience regarding anything Zelda-related post 1994, I can say Adventure of Link is high on my short list of all time favorite video games. Apart from "deviating" from whatever norms the normies got used to, it is an unquestionably hard game to play. But I didn't care about the difficulty or the dogma, I was only ever enraptured by the world it created, and I put in the effort because I wanted to explore and experience as much as it had to offer; somehow this 8-bit setting and soundtrack was as real as video games ever got for me. 

Saved by the Bell: The College Years

The New Class was not able to capture the charm and chemistry of the original series. The College Years, in my opinion, did. Both premiering in 1993, New Class ran for seven seasons, but College Years was only around for one, even though it was more truly a sequel than a spinoff. While the original was largely an ensemble effort, it's only ever been clear to me that Saved by the Bell begins and ends with Zack Morris; College Years secured only four original cast members which manages to maintain a lotta the original chemistry, but again, that's because Zack leads the way, in and around and through the fourth wall. Let's face it, despite reunion efforts, The Beatles were never The Beatles again without John. 

True Detective Season 2

Were expectations ever so high? The first season got a lotta love (much of it from me) and we were all longing for more of the same creepy vibes and pretentious pontificating that became synonymous with the title. I wasn't necessarily Batman Returns-excited but I thought I had a pretty good idea of how it was gonna be. For the most part I was wrong; the general tone still remained but my initial takeaway was a plot-heavy melodrama that sank under the weight of its many intersecting threads. That's my own pretentious pontificating as a way of saying I thought it was mediocre. And for the most part, again, I was wrong. Season One made it impossible to not get caught up in its whodunnit premise (it's a damn detective show) but I had to confront the fact that it was the mood and overall ambience that hit me hardest. Season Two retained that (from different angles), and while I'm generally a fan of style over substance, it went to work on me almost subconsciously, to the point that I've revisited it twice and realized I'd retained more than I thought. I stupidly wanted more of the same, and missed the fact that I got something good, but different. 

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