Nintendo Pocket Power - THE WIZARD

Nintendo Power Magazine is testament to the perfect storm that was brought on by the cool front of the 80s colliding with the hot front of the 90s, generating a lotta red skies, blue lightning, rockin' guitar shreds, and heavy dance beats. Word! I've explored that pixelated landscape several times before on this site, but today I'm here to talk about its spinoff mini-magazine, Nintendo Pocket Power.

Roughly the size of a TV Guide or Reader's Digest (if any of you can even remember those dimensions) but only about 40 pages long, making it a little bit closer to a pamphlet. Impractically puny and ergonomically cumbersome, this decidedly smaller version of Nintendo Power had a total of one issue: This One. Apparently, this was a movie theater promo that you could've picked up for free when you went to see The Wizard in December of '89 - which is a good explanation as to its scarcity and current dollar value (I was able to get mine from St. Nick a few years back). The bulk of its contents plays out like a regular issue of Nintendo Power, featuring tips and strategy guides for the latest games like Fester's Quest, Marble Madness, Double Dragon II, and of course a big ass to-do about the upcoming Super Mario Bros. 3.

But like I always point out, the best parts of these Nintendo magazines are the portions that have less to do with boring video games and focus more on stuff like comics, interviews, statistics, and advertisements -- usually (actually exclusively) ads for the magazine itself, along with other Nintendo products. For too many obvious reasons, this one included a two-page push for The Power Glove.

Pepsi products can be found throughout The Wizard, and so why not a prominent plug for The Choice of a New Generation, in an ad that embraces every artistic hallmark of a New Kids on the Block music video (who can also be heard throughout The Wizard).

Lastly, a full page ad for Jell-O Pudding Pops, which truly didn't need any extra fanfare in 1989 -- even without the aid of wholesome spokesman Bill Cosby, I can't even remember these being unpopular (until the 90s, when they sadly vanished). I miss the days when childhood obesity was just something we casually took for granted. 

Jell-O gets to be part of this scene because, as noted, they were a sponsor of the Nintendo World Championships. As I mentioned a while back, I've only ever assumed that these real life video game contests that began in 1990 were directly inspired by (or at least in cahoots with) The Wizard and its Video Armageddon plot thread. This magazine also takes a page to tell us all about that, and if the atmosphere of these championships was anything like the movie, I'm sure every kid in the country was anxious to prove their prowess in a public forum (except for me, who didn't really care for people, crowds, yelling, competing, or traveling). 

Every Nintendo Power managed to snag a small interview with a young celebrity to ask them about their video game habits and preferences, but here in this abridged issue is the crown jewel -- not just because he's the star of the Nintendo Movie, but as I once confidently declared so many years ago, 1989 belongs to Fred Savage!

All you need to know from this is that Fred can't wait till Super Mario 3 hits stores so he can buy it. (Really? After selling it this hard you'd think the folks at Nintendo would've hooked him up.) But believe it or not, I didn't come here to show off pictures of chocolate ice cream and Power Gloves - that shit's child's play compared to THIS: 

Merchandising! Sexy and delicious treasures featuring licensed Wizard branding that I have never ever seen in existence outside of this full page ad in this singular tie-in magazine. T-shirts! Stickers! Fanny packs! All donning the title of the movie in its official typeface, along with some weird insignia which, if you look closely, appears to be Jimmy posing like da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. And speaking of, if I had to vote for a most desirable prize in this lineup, it'd probably be the lunchbox - because hey, an official Jimmy Woods lunchbox! It's even listed as "The Wizard's Lunchbox" -- though I'd wager 50,000 Double Dragon points that it doesn't contain photos of his dead sister. 

- Paul

The McDonald's Grinch Depression Meal

Out of habit (and some self enforced obligation) I went ahead and treated myself to McDonald's latest "Adult Happy Meal" gimmick, The Grinch Meal. 

The choice is between a Big Mac Meal or a 10 Piece McNugget Meal (I chose the latter because Chicken McNuggets will always be linked to the Holidays in my mind), along with fries and a drink. Not a whole lotta innovation going on here -- the real star of this stunt is a packet of pickle flavored "Grinch Salt" that's meant to be added to the fries. They're even courteous enough to supply a dazzling paper bag for the purposes of dumping in your fries and Grinch Salt and shaking it all about. 

To be honest, my attempt at decadent comfort came at the end of a long hard day in a series of long hard days and I simply wasn't in the mood for proactive experimentation. So I'm sorry to say I didn't try the pickle salt - frankly I'm bored with the pickle flavor trend; I like pickles but there's a time and place and I'll decide when and where on my own terms. I actually would've been more inclined to take part in the madness if they'd leaned more into the "garlic" or "sauerkraut" references that are more obviously associated with the character. So, in short, I ate some regular McDonald's and decided to make it your problem. 

Maybe that's the point; maybe it's best to experience The Grinch Meal when you're full of hate and self loathing. But that's just where I was at - objectively there are some bells and whistles here that are enough to excite even the baddest bananas with the blackest peels. Right off the bat, the striking red and green boldness of the box itself is one of the rare times when modern McDonald's minimalism actually works to its own benefit; I think it's a gorgeous midpoint between the artwork in the book and the 1966 cartoon: stark... with just a little bit more. 

It ain't a Happy Meal without the toy -- except it's a much more adult toy (hiyooo!). But this isn't wrapped in some translucent plastic covered in copyright info and choking hazard warnings. Instead they've given us these beautiful, vibrant graphics that are more suited to the wrapping paper you'd probably find in Whoville. 

Ah, novelty socks. I do enjoy them and have several pairs, but the quality is hit or miss: itchy, won't stay pulled up, too tight in some areas, too loose in others, the patterns leave little cartoon shaped indents in your shins, susceptible to stray strings and holes, etc. etc. I can't imagine the socks that came with my room temperature french fries possess artisan quality couture, but I also can't imagine anything too sunny right now because that's where I'm at. But short of my heart growing in size, I can make one positive observation by noting that there are 4 different pairs of Grinch socks to collect: red, green, yellow, and the ones I was hoping to get (and, in fact, did), teal. Dahoo Dores I guess.

- Paul

Want not

Microwave what's left in the pot

mix the tylenol with the advil

make time for obligation

leave room for contemplation

take care of that other thing

the knives and forks are wet

all the clothes are dry

delete the old messages

unsubscribe from emails

take care of that other thing

don't forget to feel bad

don't forget to warm the car

mix the honey with the butter

soak the knives and forks

don't forget to eat

don't forget that other thing

push in the chair and play CDs

Think about slow dancing that time

all the clothes are on hangers

make a new pot and play the blues

reach out of the darkness or don't

check for new messages

forget that other thing

put on reading glasses and finish the chapter

- p

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part V: "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" and Strong Roots Crispy Crinkle Fries

By 1993, Full Moon was no stranger to sequels, with Puppet Master, Trancers, and Subspecies all several films into their own blossoming franchises. And since all of these movies seemed so damn similar as is, there was yet another logical direction to follow: Crossovers!

Sorta kinda picking up where Dollman (1991) and Demonic Toys (1992) left off, 1993's Dollman vs. Demonic Toys pits Brick Bardo (aka the 13'' Dollman) against a handful of possessed dolls that plan to bring about the rebirth of their Demon master - all set to a Quiet Riot soundtrack, along with Melissa Behr reprising her role as Nurse Ginger from 1992's Bad Channels! Confused? You shouldn't be - this premise is as deep as a puddle, and if you're not already caught up on all your Dollman/Demonic Toys mythology, roughly 30 of its 64 minute runtime is dedicated to "flashbacks" from the three movies it combines. Bad Channels is strong on its own, but this movie is what the other two storylines needed; regardless of all the recycled footage, Dollman and Demonic Toys were a lot duller as separate entities. Combined, they're a little less dull. Still, one has to assume this is how exciting it must be for Comic Book Movie fans when some other superhero makes a surprise cameo. 

But forget comic books or Full Moon monotony -- nothing rivals the dullness of Strong Roots Crisp Crinkle Fries. "Light and fluffy crinkle cut potato fries with a drop of sunflower oil. Just two ingredients." Strong Roots's whole deal is food that's good for you, and good for the environment(?) - who knew french fried 'tater manufacturing was such a drag on the ecosystem? Instinctually, you'd think the aid of salt and some supporting sauces could disguise the blandness, but still, the dryness perseveres - that "drop" of sunflower oil really seems to get lost in the mix. If you wanna enjoy these (or just survive them) then melted butter is what you need for dipping - and don't be afraid to fuckin' drown 'em in that shit because that's as close as you'll get to a decent fry. But at least they're good for you!

The Movie: C-

The Fries: D-

STATIC SHOTS

TOYS ARE US : The Turtle Blimp Disaster

Can you recall Christmases (or other gift giving occasions) when you received a present and a parent or guardian asked you to "hold up" your prize for the purposes of photography? I found it to be generally annoying from a very young age - which is why people eventually stoped asking me to do that dance on command. Now, of course, I regret not having pictures of me showing off every gift I ever got - not just for the purposes of a silly nostalgia website, but for my own cheap amusement. It would also help me to better frame my past and orient myself in a more structured and complete manner. Or something. 

Seen here is my father on Christmas morning in 1988, doing that exact thing and holding up a freshly unwrapped copy of The Voyage of the Beagle by Charles Darwin. But this also serves as the only physical evidence of my doomed Playmates Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Turtle Blimp.

**activate ZOOM and ENHANCE**

In my mind I always equate Ninja Turtles toys to the very early 90s, when the action figures got weirder and more far-reaching with characters like Fugitoid and Pizzaface - that's when I remember really immersing myself in Turtle collecting. In fact, at this point in history (December 25, 1988) the Playmates Ninja Turtle toyline was barely a few months old - heck I'm surprised I even knew who the Turtles were let alone had any of their merchandise. My guess is this blimp was probably accompanied by some other TMNT gifts, which most likely made this morning my official introduction to this prominent institution of the 1980s. And it's probably that freshness in the relationship that was the basis of my maturity and nonchalance in the face of tragedy later that Christmas Day.

I didn't really have too many "playsets" or "vehicles" in my toy collections - largely because I never actively played with the toys, so the accessories would often remain as bulky floor displays and showroom models that battled their action figure counterparts for shelf space. Obviously I was never gonna turn down a Batmobile or Ecto-1, but they spent their lives parked alongside their immobile owners. Though at 5 years old I can't imagine myself lusting after (or even asking for) a cumbersome vinyl balloon from a brand new cartoon that hadn't even fully captured my passion yet. Still though, the thought was nice, and I graciously accepted it as the kinda badass extravagant toy that it was. And I'm sure I wasn't openly appreciative then but my father went ahead and immediately inflated this giant conveyance with what I can assume was coffee breath and a pair of smoker's lungs. Cowabunga!

No, that's not me. I probably got to spend less than an hour with the blimp (as well as the rest of my bounty) before it was time to get dressed and go to some relative's house. If nothing else, this short tale is a parable expressing the dumbness of gifting a child a buncha cool shit on Christmas morning and then tearing them away from it all to go break in a pair of new socks at an aunt's house to watch a cousin greedily indulge in their own new prizes without offering any turns. I believe my parents finally came around on the realities of this injustice and started getting these social obligations outta the way on Christmas Goddamn Eve. But in 1988 I left my loot for however long on Christmas Day, and upon returning home I'd found my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Blimp had been slashed and deflated by our new dog, Teika. 

Teika was a pug who was given to us earlier that year by my sister's boyfriend (and eventual brother-in-law). Of indeterminate age and background, the dog was consistently docile and friendly, but always found inventive ways of letting us know that he didn't like being left alone - this was one of the first such instances where that became apparent. I don't have any specific memories of my initial reaction to what happened to my Turtle Blimp, but it didn't really leave any scars so I assume I took it rather well. I kept all the plastic components and accessories as a consolation (that orange atom bomb labeled "ITCHY POWDER" would resurface in my toy box for years), but really the true consolation turned out to be Teika; that dog was perhaps the crown jewel in my brief little Normal Rockwell upbringing and was my unconditional best friend throughout my toughest times.

I also got Milton Bradley's "Guess Who?" game that morning and I guarantee that brought me more joy and entertainment and memories in the following months/years than some bulky toy airship that would've collected more dust than mileage. But for TMNT collector's bragging rights: I didn't have the Technodrome, I didn't have the Turtle Van, I didn't have the Footcruiser, I didn't have Krang's big naked robot body, but the original '88 Turtle Blimp? Fuck yeah, I had that. 

- Paul

HOLIDAY SODAS 2025!

Christmas (and the like) never offers much in the way of candy bars and potato chips - there are usually some cereals and snack cakes that get in the mood but rarely enough to catch my eye. For me, I tend to embrace soda much more tightly and sensually around this time of year - generally because Coca-Cola basically owns Santa Claus (or maybe it's the other way around). So when the Gods of Tonic decide to blow the dam with a big, sticky tidal wave of new stuff, I'm only that much more turned on. And since quitting alcohol, high fructose corn syrup is my new drink, so don't be alarmed if/when I strip down to my boxer briefs and serenade you with my rendition of "Last Christmas" -- seductively at first, then through gentle sobbing. 

- Paul

Santa Coke

Y'know, as in "Coke with pictures of Santa on it". Last year was the first time in over a decade that Santa Claus began appearing on the packaging again, and I'm so happy it wasn't just a brief encore. Speculation regarding the cause of his extended absence ranged from political to financial, but I don't see any fun in analyzing it now that he's back! It's moderately common knowledge now that Coca-Cola is largely responsible for the way Santa has been depicted for nearly a hundred years, but something that few people are aware of is that having his illustration on the can or bottle actually makes it taste better. All you have to do is *believe*!

Sprite Winter Spiced Cranberry

Back in 2013 they released Cranberry Sprite. Then in 2019 they made it spicy. Okay, dude. Alas my palate has not retained the unmolested Cranberry that it once was so that I may compare, but I will say it's overwhelmingly pleasant in its current form. I've always likened Clearly Canadian to "flavored Sprite", and so here it is in its purest form. And unlike other Cranberry sodas, they continue to resist the urge of red dye, and I (surprisingly) prefer it this way -- sometimes adding color where it doesn't belong gives "yellow snow" vibes. That + the balance of red, white, and green is exceptionally seasonal without being too confrontational. 

Diet Coke Lime

The flavor suggests Summer but the packaging looks like wrapping paper -- particularly if wrapping paper looked like soda cans from the 1980s. This is a magnificent achievement for Coca-Cola: they effortlessly recreated a retro/throwback graphic design without explicitly indicating it on the label with dumbass words like "retro" or "throwback". Pepsi consistently pulls that boner and I hope they're appropriately embarrassed in the shadow of this performance. I should also definitely note that I really don't like Diet Coke (and I'm not crazy about lime either) but that didn't stop me from making love to a whole 12 pack of cans. And, oh yeah, the flavor: the lime all but masks the flat sweetness that's synonymous with Diet Coke, making for a delightfully tolerable beverage. 

Coca-Cola Holiday Creamy Vanilla

I found this 2 liter on the shelf all by itself amongst a sea of regular Cokes and I thought it was some divine gift proffered to me by the aforementioned Gods of Tonic. But now I see it for sale everywhere, so clearly that was a fluke. Still, I woulda bought this with or without Holy intervention; a new Coke flavor specifically created for The Holidays is serious business. Unfortunately the packaging resembles a can of Barbasol (if Barbasol came in beige and baby poop brown) and pulls back on the festive wrapping as much as it refrains from trying to look appetizing. And in the end, I got what I expected: Vanilla Coke. There are fans who claim there's a noticeable difference, but sadly I did not notice - but I have like 1.5 liters left to keep trying. 

7Up Shirley Temple

My knee-jerk reaction was just to get my hands on a new flavor, but after closer inspection I noticed that the cans look like Christmas decorations from 1959! Seriously, these could blend right into the set design of Edward Scissorhands. What any of this has to do with Shirley Temple is beyond me but I accept. I actually have little/no experience with this very famous drink they're trying to mimic, and I don't consider this facsimile to be my definitive initiation, but at face value I can say that it's certainly a unique flavor. Billed as a "Pomegranate and Cherry Soda" I was expecting a strong presence of one of those two fruits, but instead it just tastes like pink cotton candy. If that's what a Shirley Temple is supposed to taste like then bravo, but if not we still got a crazy ass sugar drink wrapped in an aluminum Christmas tree. (And I can maintain my Shirley Temple virginity.) 

How BENNETT MEDIA Stole Christmas!

The citizens of Bennett Land and all those who took part

Knew what Christmas truly meant deep down in their heart

It wasn't a wish or a dream or tidings of good cheer

It wasn't the warm embrace of loved ones most dear

It wasn't a kiss under the mistletoe whenever you're near it

It was not the kindness of giving or a generous spirit

The joy of Christmas isn't magical, mysterious, or abstract

Oh, no, the best parts of Christmas are the parts that come wrapped

iPhones! And gift cards to Amazon Prime!

A BB gun with a compass and this thing which tells time!

Blu-rays! And Fleshlights with extra strong grip!

A yearlong enrollment in a jelly membership!

Presents and colas and tangible things!

Everything from the store, plus whatever Santa brings!

Maybe Christmas, we thought, should not be such a sentimental snore

Maybe Christmas this year, we thought, could be a whole lot more

STATIC SHOTS

GROOVE APPROVED