The CGI of 1996

Or, The CGI Shitshow of 1996 - though that would definitely hurt its chances of going wildly viral.

Today I'm here to complain. Actually, poke fun at, which is somehow both more lighthearted but also meaner at the same time. And hey, guess what, my target is not modern movies, but instead I've chosen to pick on my beloved 90s Cinema: particularly 1996, and particularly the special effects, and particularly the computer-generated special effects. 

We were treated to some lovely makeup effects that year (Thinner, Bad Moon, The Island of Dr. Moreau) as well as what I consider to be some really good digital effects (Independence Day, Dragonheart, Multiplicity), but for the most part it was a clunky mess and a definite low point in an otherwise solid decade in the advancement of computer artistry. I can't know exactly why everyone got so overzealous at exactly the same time - maybe the triumphs throughout the first half of the 1990s (Terminator 2, Jurassic Park, Forrest Gump, Toy Story) created a wave of overconfidence in the industry. In hindsight, I applaud the experimentation, but when you bite off more than you can chew it can lead to choking (which is actually the literal plot of a lotta these movies). Here are 8 films from 30 years ago that probably coulda used another 20 minutes in the oven before they were ready for public consumption. 

- Paul 

Twister

I was so pumped for this - I was already really into tornadoes at that time, mostly because I'd suddenly become phobic for some reason. In the theater, I thought it was pretty effective, but apart from the overall bigness of it, I think the sound design is what made it work. Now it spends its life on a TV, and we're left only with its dumb story and horrible dialogue and digital dust clouds. Never for a moment do I believe I'm witnessing a weather event; Wizard of Oz was a thousand percent more believable. 

The Frighteners

This was a really neat Mystery that threw in enough comedy and action to get it that much closer to Ghostbusters. Except that Slimer, Stay Puft, The Library Ghost, et al. were considerably more believable than most of the disorienting cartoons that populate this film. FX shots used to demand so much more attention; you could feel the finesse in every storyboarded frame, and every gesture felt intentional. The big baddie in this is like a cloaked ghost that resembles The Grim Reaper, but some vague swirling graphics place it more in the ballpark of Casper rather than Bergman. 

Mission: Impossible

Look, I don't even know what the hell's going on in this movie at any given moment, and yet there's still some compelling suspense - especially the Tom-on-a-rope sequence. One part that isn't suspenseful at all is the entire climax. DePalma once said that he has no interest in car chases, and if he feels the same about animated helicopters chasing animated trains, his apathy is palpable here. I definitely never feel any sense of peril - not even when the really fake looking propeller blade almost stabs Tom in the neck. 

Escape From L.A.

The trend gains momentum here as the veterans start to dabble in software -- and by "dabble" I mean "gamble with their entire reputation". I was never a fan of Escape From New York, but by comparison... holy shit. A lotta money and effort clearly went into some major set decoration here - except for the parts where it didn't because it's so clearly a poorly generated environment. Carpenter never bounced back from this. 

Mars Attacks!

John Carpenter only made three more features after Escape from L.A. -- Tim Burton has made thirteen since this plunge into pixels, and he's never looked back. Fans of this film will promote the excuse that the effects are "intentionally bad" to further perpetuate the ironic campiness of it. What a crock of shit. I'm sure the guy who just wrapped an Ed Wood biopic had a unique understanding of the difference between "bad special effects" and "intentionally bad special effects", and there was certainly nothing "retro" or "nostalgic" about cheap computer animation. (It saddens me to say, but there still isn't.) Alex Cox and effects wizard Phil Tippett had long wanted to make a stop motion version of this material, and in the weird bizarro reality of 1996, Tim Burton managed to make something less cool. 

The Nutty Professor

Rick Baker got the Oscar for his outstanding makeup effects in this movie. You know Rick Baker, the guy who nabbed his first Oscar for the memorable transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London. In fact, I can't speak for everyone, but I feel like the "turning into a wolf" sequence was more effective than the actual wolf. In this film, Eddie Murphy undergoes several transformations between fat and thin, and those are depicted like some commercial for sour candy, with a lotta cartoony bulging effects and fake exaggerated jiggling. So much for the painstaking attention to canine hair growth and fang lengthening. 

From Dusk Till Dawn

Once again! Here we are in the middle of a Makeup FX Extravaganza - an almost homage to the art form, literally featuring superstars of the industry both behind and in front of the camera. KNB created some truly ghastly and inventive stuff, and we still get entirely tripped up on the tough act of "transformation". It'd been 5 years since the Michael Jackson "Black or White" video wowed us all with its use of "morphing technology" and apparently vampires South of the Border employ that very same technology repetitively and excessively, and it all but undermines all that really cool makeup. 

The Arrival

I feel bad picking on the smaller Alien Invasion Movie of that year, but really it's its own fault. I feel like this was on HBO every few minutes, but I seriously remember nothing from it. Well almost nothing. Spoiler (kinda): there's a twist at the end where we learn that one of the supporting characters is actually an alien disguised as a human. We learn this when the "human" suddenly inverts his knees before our eyes and awkwardly saunters off into the horizon. On paper it's sorta creepy, but my reaction even then was more of a wince at its really crude "reveal" - which, who knows, maybe made it creepier. Either way, it leaves an impression.

STATIC SHOTS

NINTENDO Merchandise From 1990!

Today I'm gonna show you pictures of Super Mario underwear and you're gonna pretend to enjoy it.

From 1990, it's the awkwardly-titled "World of Nintendo Gear & Stuff" catalog, a 20 page magazine-sized insert that I believe was mailed out to Nintendo Power Magazine subscribers. Within its pages are glamor shots of wristwatches, sleeping bags, beach towels, and like a hundred other things that advertise Nintendo in some way. But strangely enough, this isn't the kinda catalog you could order things from, nor was it any type of "circular" for one specific store like Sears or JCPenny. Instead, this was just an aggressive, colorful reminder that this stuff exists, and it was our job - our destiny - to find it. 

Right off the bat they give us a list of stores where we might find this stuff (almost none of which exist anymore) accompanied by a 1-800 number to help better direct us, turning this potential shopping experience into a video game itself. Personally I don't remember seeing an official "World of Nintendo" department in my local Bradlees or Woolworth -- not that I was aware that I should've been actively looking for it, but there's no chance that stuff like this would've slipped past me; Nintendo merchandise was like gold, both in its beauty and its scarcity, and I only ever acquired everything I found (which wasn't much) and I treasured it appropriately. 

I'm writing this article for several reasons. The first is that, while a lotta the images in this book have become "Internet Famous" over the years, the picture quality (and comprehensiveness) has never met my standards; they're often repurposed into memes or grainy thumbnails on Pinterest boards, but the Web deserves some hi-res scans of this publication (if not for you, then for me dammit). 

That leads into my second reason. I never make a trip to eBay without a quick search for late 80s / early 90s Nintendo collectibles -- even if I'm there looking for used auto parts or a birthday gift for a relative, I always gotta check in on the status of rubber Luigi pencil toppers, just to feel grounded. Point is, having tangible photos of these items in my hands, as well as interacting with them by scanning them onto the Net, is about as close a I can get to some of these relics that I so deserve. In other words, I rarely have the bucks or the balls to blow $500 on a Youth Medium Adventure of Link sweatshirt, so the physical act of doing this is enough to satisfy me without the financial strain. 

All of these are just a result of my real reason for sharing this: actively putting myself in this place, in this "World of Nintendo", is both calming and exhilarating. Superficially I enjoy all the sexy shots of party supplies and pajamas, and then slightly beyond that we can all laugh at the funny fashions and hairstyles of the era, but as a whole this catalog creates an atmosphere that practically has its own music (which definitely combines Hip Hop with guitar solos).

Some of the photography includes actual set design that ranges from TV Sitcom Bedroom to Miami Vice Bad Guy to Laura Brannigan Music Video, but everything assembled together on the same page creates its own radical environment, and it smells like Bubble Tape: the shapes, the colors, the fonts, even the terminology used, from "Get With it" to "You're Happening", all established the very specific corporate pandering that's unique to my childhood, and so it puts me very much at home. 

So in this Doom Scroll Era of Arts and Entertainment, I implore you to study the finer details of these pages, because not only are they full of so many beautiful and weird products (Super Mario Candy Bars? What?!) but also if you stare deeply enough into its Pop Art mosaics, you can almost feel the Fruit Gushers explode in your mouth as Joey McItyre pleads, "Please Don't Go Girl..." If that's your desired vibe, you're welcome. 

- Paul

I SAW IT ON TAPE - Doc Hollywood

I'll use the fact that this innocuous Rom Com was released (theatrically) 35 years ago today as an excuse to talk about videotape, playback heads, and VCRs (or, as people now call them, "VHS Players").

Doc Hollywood wasn't necessarily a movie I personally would've sought out and rented for myself, but that's probably true of 90% of the movies I saw on tape in the 80s and 90s, so I'm thankful to've been surrounded by a network of people who knew better (or were just more flexible when it came to rental options). In those days it wasn't uncommon to watch a New Release at home, and then see it again several more times in other people's homes over the course of the next couple weeks - back then, we knew what was "trending" by counting the number of aunts you watched burst into tears at the end of Ghost. When Doc Hollywood came out on video (closer to the end of 1991) I'm pretty sure I saw it three times in three different households, and I'm pretty sure the first time I saw it was in the most chaotic environment of the three; kids playing in one room, adults talking in another room, a stereo playing Mariah Carey somewhere, and on a tiny TV in a darkened bedroom, a fuzzy, nearly indiscernible Doc Hollywood with serious tracking issues played to an audience of me (because nothing held my interest more than movies, even when they were visually compromised by shit VCRs).

I don't know how much this memory would've stood out to me had it not been for the brief sense of nudity that I knew I was missing. There's a scene early on in the film where Julie Warner emerges naked from a lake after skinny-dipping, and I knew this because no amount of TV static could distort the presence of boobs from the keen eyes of an 8-year-old. The scene is definitely meant to shock (in a giggly playful way) and even with the impediment of tracking fuzz, just the implication was a surprise in a PG-13 Michael J. Fox movie. And yes, in the coming weeks I would actually see the movie two more times, on different tapes in better VCRs, and (uncomfortably) with different relatives. (I had to wait for HBO to finally experience it privately and unblemished). 

Today I have Doc Hollywood on Blu-ray in all its 2K or 4K or WhateverK clarity, and so I'm reminded of a time when picture quality was compromised and inconsistent, and yet we often pressed on through entire features, undeterred by technical difficulties. Nowadays I find myself abandoning HD Streaming Content 5 minutes in because it suuucks. That reality references a lotta talking points, but mostly I'm just pointing out how committed we used to be to a Video Rental; "This is my plan for this evening and I paid $3.95 for it and I only get one goddamn Friday night a week!" Home Video felt more celebratory and ritualistic even, as opposed to the convenient novocaine of digital platforms. Let's normalize planning on what we're watching tonight far in advance, getting excited about it, and then seeing it through to the end. Also, let's normalize bullying people who say "VHS Player".

- Paul

Night Life

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part XVIII: "Slumber Party Massacre II" and Red Baron Brick Oven Supreme

"Wildly Original" is never a phrase that's given to a movie produced by Roger Corman, and that's okay (and kinda the point); the movies that were funded and/or released through his companies were built on familiarity. "Sure bets." Genre pictures designed/disguised as homages, spinoffs, and sometimes legitimate remakes. He'd produce half a dozen Women's Prison Pictures that were all basically the same, but on paper had nothing to do with each other. So whenever he initiated an honest-to-god sequel, you knew it was special. 

Then again, the idea of a "sequel" was, in and of itself, an homage to the 80s Slasher wave. That wave included 1982's The Slumber Party Massacre, which earned Corman & Co. $3.6 million (on a $220,000 budget). And since there was nothing passé about tacking a numeral onto the end of a recycled title, why not drill the same hole? Slumber Party Massacre II was conceived, advertised, sold, written, shot, and released in 1987 (and in that order). Per usual, apart from the supposed Roger Corman "mandates" (nudity/violence) Roger gave free creative reign to writer/director Deborah Brock, and hot damn! did she take advantage of that freedom. The first movie was a generalized satire of Slashers and the assigned gender roles in Horror - campy, but still aimed to scare. Nothing is "generalized" about the satire here: this is a full-blown Comedy Horror Musical (in that order) that pulls way less from Halloween and way more from Elm Street, while still being its own thing entirely. Slasher Flicks typically have long lulls of nothing as a phony means of creating "suspense" -- in place of that, this movie has original songs performed on camera by the whole cast. Even without comparing it to any other movie or category, it has a reckless energy that actually almost feels experimental. When we hear "1980s Cult VHS Exploitation" we're only ever hoping for something exactly like this. 

Also, whenever we hear "frozen pizza" we're really hoping for something like Red Baron - it's basically the standard that all the others have to live up to. And sometimes it's just too damn stressful to "fuck around and find out" and just stick to what you already know best - and this is best. Actually, this specific variety of toppings is new to us, but with a name like Red Baron Supreme, how could one go wrong? Obviously in 'za terms, "Supreme" just means lotsa stuff on it, and in this case is means sausage, green & red peppers, pepperoni, and onions. It's a true testament to its quality that none of these ingredients actually compromise the pizza in any way, but instead they magnify it. By some miracle of culinary arts & sciences, the peppers and onions on this frozen ass pizza taste completely fresh -- some wizardry that most definitely utilized some not-so-fresh methods to create that illusion. Whatever, this activity was never about nutrition, it's about total sensory gratification, and all those requirements were met. 

The Movie: A

The Pizza: A

STATIC SHOTS

Her Time

There was an old man who hadn't had the time.

"Excusind, but do you have the time?" he'd questionable.

They were answerless. He went to the local drugee shoppe.

"I'm looking for the time," he postrailed.

"We know nothing of time," they spronted.

"Where o where, then," then, "could I," he, "get the time?"

That's when he called her. His fingers were shakingly as he dialed.

"I know nothing of what else I could do," the old man says. "I was hoping for help, I was. Hoping for you... for help."

"I see," said she. "You were hoping for me... for help, I see."

"Thank God, you see," he said to she. "Do you have the time?" he said to she.

Atlas! She does, indeed have the time he needs!

"Can I have it?" he questionable.

"O, but my time is spent, you see," said she. "I'm sure you'll see," said she. Did he?

"No, I don't!" said he to she. "I don't indeed see, you see! Where is your time? The Norwegian Sea?"

"My gosh, of course no! My time's with he, you see. You see?"

He saw, he did. He did, indeed.

He needs time no longer. What's he need?

I was hoping for you... that's what I need.

(He said aside)

"I need to be me, you see. You see?"

(He said aloud)

"Whatever," she spronted.

- P

Bennett Media goes WRESTLING!

Back in the 1980s, the stereotype was that televised Wrestling was mostly embraced by Rednecks and Trailer Trash. That might've been unfair, but in my experience it was entirely true; a lotta the kids I knew who were considerably less fortunate than I really seemed to embrace it as part of their personality. Then in the 90s, the appeal seemed to grow and integrate more into the mainstream, and suddenly "Big Van Vader" is wrestling Ben Savage on Boy Meets World, and I start to see more t-shirts around school that I don't understand. 

Obviously this isn't a history lesson; everything I've mentioned is just observation mixed with speculation, because it's not like I was just "unaware" of Wrestling... I was actively disinterested - which is just a polite way of saying I didn't like it. I still don't. But I'm preserving politeness because I didn't come here to shit on a most beloved part of Pop Culture. In fact, I'm here to celebrate it (in my own way)! As mentioned, Wrestling and Wrestlers aren't always confined to the ring -- in many cases, they were integral to stuff I liked too. I'd always maintained that I didn't know much about it, but when I started to compile a physical list, I came up with over a dozen examples of Wrestling-related things that I've experienced throughout my life that managed to win me over (or at least hold my interest for the duration). Granted they never tempted me to dive any deeper into the wide world of rasslin' but I'm grateful for these 15 contributions.

- Paul

Suburban Commando

featuring Hulk Hogan

My VHS version of Gremlins 2 did not feature the cameo from The Hulkster (nor did it even contain the alternate Home Video scene with John Wayne either). Nevertheless, Hulk Hogan was everywhere for years before this Science Fiction Action Family film came out in 1991 (or, more specifically, 1992 which is when I probably saw it on tape), but this was my first experience spending any real amount of time with him. Yes, it probably would've been unbearably weak without the presence of Christopher Lloyd, but the chemistry between both of them is undeniable. (Fun Fact: it was written for Schwarzenegger and DeVito, who did Twins instead -- a movie I like considerably less than this one.)

Slim Jim Commercials

featuring Randy "Macho Man" Savage

Macho Man is a good example of my inarticulate approach to wrestlers at that time, which is just a general feeling of "What's this guy's problem?" But Slim Jim knew how to harness and present that hernia-inducing energy and managed to create TV ads that felt like Action Movies. Matched with the fact that I'm a big fan of the product, Mach Man was always alright with me. 

WWF Wrestling Buddies

from Tonka!

Speaking of memorable TV ads! There was nary a commercial break in the early 1990s that didn't include this sales pitch for pillows designed to look like muscular naked men. Thinking of them now makes me aware of another reason for my disinterest in the genre: I really didn't have that little boy urge to beat the shit out of someone. Maybe I was born without that gene, or maybe I just ignored it. Or maybe it was upbringing; I didn't have the kinda dad that would playfully put me in a headlock as a sign of affection. At any rate, these commercials always depicted everything in a very wholesome light, making them feel very non-intrusive during any given episode of DuckTales. 

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

featuring "Captain" Lou Albano

Before his title role in The Super Mario Bros. Super Show and long before his cameo in Stay Tuned, I knew him as Cyndi Lauper's disapproving dad. He'd also pop up in her "Time After Time" video, and also the video for the Goonies song (which actually featured like ten other wrestlers). The Cyndi Lauper/Wrestling connection would baffle me for most of my life, until I read a SPIN Magazine article detailing her manager's love of Wrestling, and the casting of Lou Albano to try to boost Cyndi's fan base. (It worked.) Even still, when the Mario show premiered, my mom recognized him as a wrestler first because, to perpetuate the stereotype, she actually spent some time living in a trailer park in Florida. 

Stripes

Mud Wrestling

I'm including this because a.) this may very well be my real introduction to Wrestling, and b.) I can't seem to compose any list without including Stripes. (In fact, I'm gonna make a tag for it right now.) The concept of physical altercation as sport wasn't totally lost on me at 4 years old but there were definitely elements of this specific activity that were a little confusing - all I knew was that it was exciting when the girls lost their bikinis. Actually, in hindsight, I now realize that I understood everything about this scene as a child. 

Honeycomb Commercial

featuring Andre The Giant

Another supposedly fundamental experience I didn't grow up with was The Princess Bride -- which just means that my one true connection to Andre The Giant is his appearance in a 1989 Honeycomb Cereal commercial that aired hourly right into the 90s. The premise: four kids and a robot are enjoying Honeycomb in their treehouse when they get harassed by a giant who's hungry for cereal. Tensions are high at first, but everyone's shared adoration for the Post Breakfast Cereal prompts singing and camaraderie. Strangely, the Honeycomb was the least alluring detail for me: I thought the treehouse was rad, but more than that, the heavily wooded backyard with rich foliage bathed in late afternoon sunshine wasn't too dissimilar from my own backyard when I was a kid, but it was only that much more lusty when this spot would run in the dead of Winter. 

The Three Stooges

Grips, Grunts, and Groans

In this 1937 Columbia Short, the boys befriend a wrestler named Bustoff. Bustoff is a wreckless party animal who drinks himself into a stupor, prompting Curly to apply a fake beard and pose as him in the ring -- but the Mob has money riding on Bustoff, so Curly had better win (even with some predictably unconventional tactics). For the longest time, this was the only depiction of the lifestyle of a wrestler that I was aware of: the debaucherous midpoint between Babe Ruth and Al Capone. I had to admit, it seemed somewhat inviting. 

They Live

featuring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

I'm sure I've told this story before but it's pertinent to this list... I was flipping through the channels during some weekend afternoon and I came across "The Fight Scene" on a local cable channel. The beginning of the scene. My mother was there too and neither of us knew what this movie was. After about 5 minutes we were convinced that nothing else was gonna happen in this film except this fight. Obviously the plot finally kicked back into gear and what unfolded blew our minds, but not as blown as halting the pace of an otherwise straightforward narrative so a Pro Wrestler can show off what happens when he runs outta bubblegum. 

Pain & Gain

featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

I sat and I thought. And I thought and I thought. "Is it possible I've never seen a movie featuring The Rock? Have I yet to smell what he's cooking?" For a moment I honestly couldn't think of a single one. So I went to The Internet and scrolled the long list of feature films, and I actually found two(!) that I've seen in their entirety, both for partially ironic reasons: Doom (as part of our Video Game Take5 episode) and this, absorbed with a glimmer of hope that a self aware Michael Bay Action Comedy starring The Scorpion King might be more intentionally funny than unintentionally. (It really wasn't.) Honestly, I find the man likable, and despite having seen him in almost nothing, I don't think he's found his groove yet (though I can assume it's not Indie Oscar bait).

The Ren & Stimpy Show

"Mad Dog Höek"

Perhaps I would've been more into Wrestling had it leaned harder into these kindsa extremes (pus, gore, etc.). The irony is that Ren believes Wrestling to be fake and then gets graphically pummeled in various ways, which furthers my point that, if it's gonna be so obviously fake, it should be cartoonishly so; there should be way more poppings of eyeballs and blood vessels. 

Married... With Children

"Flight of the Bumblebee" featuring King Kong Bundy

Clearly it's about time I made a tag for Married... With Children as well. The name "Bundy" always seemed like a questionable choice for a sitcom family in the 80s, but the claim is that it was a direct homage to Pro Wrestler King Kong Bundy, who actually guested on the show twice: once as one of Peg's hick relatives, and then many seasons later as himself, in this episode where Kelly convinces him to beat up Bud in the ring. Definitely two of my least favorite episodes, but the Wrestling aspect is only partially incidental; when this show wanted to go intentionally lowbrow, it went hard, nearly past the point to where someone as shallow as me thought it was stupid, and that's definitely what happened here. Still, we honor this figurative and literal giant for lending his stage name to this iconic fictional family. 

Ed Wood

featuring George "The Animal" Steele (as Tor Johnson!)

This one's all kindsa meta: Pro Wrestler George "The Animal" Steele acting in a movie about director Ed Wood, portraying Pro Wrestler Tor Johnson who's cast by director Ed Wood to be in his movie. When this came out I wasn't really familiar with Plan 9 or Tor Johnson, but I immediately changed that right after I saw this, and I'm still as startled today as I was back then at how perfect this casting was. The resemblance is just uncanny! 

1 Night in China

featuring Joanie "Chyna" Laurer and Sean Waltman

Almost immediately after the "success" of Paris Hilton's leaked sex tape 1 Night in Paris, Chyna and Pro Wrestler fiancée Sean Waltman voluntarily sold their own homemade video to XXX studio Red Light District, cleverly adapting the punny title. Even during the dawn of the age of "pirating" and "downloading", I actually rented this video from the adult video store (because when it comes to smut I guess I'm just old-fashioned). Chyna apparently embraced the attention and continued making porn movies, but my curiosity halted after just 1 night. 

Blade Runner 2049

featuring Dave Bautista

I'd already seen him Guardians of the Galaxy and he (like the entirety of that movie) didn't really leave an impression on me -- at best I'm sure I just brushed him aside as some meathead hired for his exaggerated  physique. Obviously I was not so quick to dismiss his very brief but totally memorable moment in this movie that didn't require muscles at all; he gives a decidedly subtle turn as a soft spoken replicant who enjoys reading and farming. Putting him in the role could've come across as ironic, but no one approaches it that way and the scene remains memorable on its own merits. 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze

featuring Kevin Nash

Lastly, what's a Bennett Inventory compilation without some mention of Ninja Turtles -- more specifically, Super Shredder! For me, nothing tops his menacing presentation in Part One - but that fell in line with the tone of that film. This decidedly goofy sequel only sometimes got as loud and colorful as it was trying to be, but this moment, depicting a giant mutated Shredder (played by Pro Wrestler Kevin Nash), is the crescendo of this movie's intended madness. Again, if Wrestling had ever featured costumes this over-the-top, it may've just piqued my interest.