ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE, part XV: "Munchies" and Ellio's Cheese Pizza

An homage works best when it's good enough to get you to forget what it's homaging. Then, there are those that remind you of the source material at every turn, and Roger Corman not only sought out the "knock offs" but he put in extra effort towards knocking them off as accurately as possible because, clearly, why shouldn't the formula work a second time? 

Munchies (1987) was directed by Bettina Hirsch, who was the editor of 1984's Gremlins, and obviously that wasn't an accident. Harvey Korman plays an archeologist who finds a small creature with a funny Frank Welker voice in a cave in Peru. He smuggles it back to the U.S. and Harvey's twin brother (also Harvey Corman, in a wig and a fake mustache that's one breeze away from falling off) steals the creature, probably for some monetary gain (can't really remember). In the struggles of kidnapping we learn that cutting the creature into pieces only creates more of them, and soon we have a gang of "Munchies". The biggest threats they pose are making messes and lewd comments; if you were to rank them alongside the Gremlins, Critters, Ghoulies, and Hobgoblins, the Munchies would be dead last - you're never not aware that it's just puppeteers moving their hands around. The movie is colorful, funny, and fast paced -- or, it wants to be all those things but it never really gets out of the breakdown lane and completely runs outta gas 20 minutes before its 83 minute runtime peters out. With a sorta animated opening credit sequence and a music score meant to mimic Pee-wee's Big Adventure, the vibe is nearly there. It's just too damn dull. 

If DiGiorno is made to resemble the quality of delivery pizza, Ellio's is always front & center to represent frozen pizza in its truest form. This square-cut staple of youth may already be familiar to most of you; never enough cheese to cover the sauce, never enough sauce to cover the crust, and yet all the proportions are scientifically balanced for a satisfying experience. As a kid it came with the big initial hurdle of "What the hell is this, this isn't what pizza is like!" but slowly the realization creeps up on you, "Oh, this tastes just like Ellio's!". And so to reevaluate after however many years and decades: there's not enough cheese, or sauce, or even enough food, but goddammit it tastes just like Ellio's! 

The Movie: C

The Pizza: B

6 Snack Ideas From MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN

I'm not a picky eater - I'll try just about anything. I also hate wasting food, so even if I don't like it I'll hold out to the bitter end. This also means I effortlessly take my chances with stuff from around the kitchen that's well passed its expiration date. So, taking all this into consideration it should come as no surprise that the parade of gross food punchlines that popped up throughout the entire Married... With Children TV series only ever seemed interesting (and sometimes appealing) to me. Here are six that I have the least shame about my willingness to eat. 

- Paul 

Toothpaste sandwich

(Season 3, episode 13)

Just as Al is about to "eat and fight cavities" he pauses to reflect on a memory of his mother once telling him that one day he could be The President of the United States - a position of prestige that's a stark contrast to the uncultured cuisine that is a swirl of toothpaste between two pieces of white bread. I do like Junior Mints - how far off can this be? 

Mom's Mystery Pack

(Season 6, episode 19)

We're made aware of it in one of the previous seasons, but here we get to see it in action when Anthrax (as in the band) are just Metal enough to consume the consumable that Al wouldn't even touch. It's basically a creamy paste wrapped in tin foil that may or may not be alive (it moves and bites) and defies the laws of nature ("If it came outta the fridge why's it hot?"). It's notable (probably only to me) that no one ever says it tastes bad. 

Fried M&M

(Season 5, episode 18)

This is easily the least challenging food in terms of edibility -- in fact I defy anyone to turn their noses up at this concept: Al heats a singular Peanut M&M over the stove, making the peanut inside "all warm and toasty". Though despite his humility ("Oh Lord, bless this M&M, and the mighty cockroach I slain in battle to get it") Peg carelessly steals it off his plate and eats it. 

Waist-Away Diet Shakes

(Season 9, episode 14)

First of all, what a great name for a weight loss drink! It comes in a variety of flavors but according to Kelly even the mainstream ones aren't great (she mistakes "Cherry" for "Cowpie"), but it's a downward spiral from there, following with "Kiwi", "Cabbage", "Salmon", and a flavor so vile that she can't even utter the words, but instead vomits. I've gone to extremes to lose weight, I don't think I'd mind some cabbage sludge. 

Beer on bread

(Season 4, episode 4)

Al has a toothache, so to avoid eating solid food or drinking cold liquids, he saturates a slice of bread with beer. Definitely not a combo I'd actively seek out (the weight watcher in me can't conceive of that many carbs at once) but a yeast-on-yeast concoction really isn't that crazy. It actually sounds kinda hearty in a wholesome way. 

Leftovers from Town Cafe

(Season 7, episode 8)

Kelly gets a job as a waitress and has apparently been coerced by Al and Bud to bring home the table scraps left behind by the restaurant's patrons. They gleefully end up with greasy bags full of half-eaten hamburgers, mashed potatoes wth cigarette butts in them, and curly fries that may or may not be deep fried mouse parts. Either way it all looks good to me. 

STATIC SHOTS

Cleanup in my favorite aisle

Uninspired Anthropomorphic Mascots

A clown selling hamburgers? A lizard selling car insurance? A tiger selling sugar coated flakes of corn? How truly outrageous! Some advertisers were bold and went all in on a colorful stranger that came outta nowhere to push their products on an unsuspecting public in the hopes that we'd all "get it". Ooh a stork, that makes me want a pickle! Then, there was the less creative approach which was to assign a personality to the product itself (and by personality I mean sunglasses). This concept landed great results with the likes of Joe Camel, Mr. Peanut, and The California Raisins, but not every tangible object lends itself to arms and legs, and can sometimes come across as awkward, scary, or lazy. 

Here's a handful of merchandise, commodities, and creatures of the animal kingdom that will come to life before your very eyes, whether you want them to or not. 

- Paul

The Burger Thing

Burger King

Alongside McDonaldland, there was The Burger Kingdom, ruled by the King himself and featured The Wizard of Fries, Sir Shake-A-Lot, and this talking hamburger. But he wasn't a talking hamburger, he was a framed portrait of a hamburger that just happened to be a puppet that talked. What? Had he just been talking food like the McNugget Buddies I would've been all for it, maybe infatuated even, but instead I just feel hurt. 

The Bic Boy

Bic Ballpoint Pens

The schoolboy with the oversized tungsten carbide sphere for a head is more at home in some kinda industrial dystopia like The Wall or Metropolis, which gives him plenty of street cred in my eyes. But I can't imagine that aesthetic is the most positive sales pitch with which to learn your reading, writing, and arithmetic. Had the Bic Boy also come equipped with a razor blade and butane gas, embodying all Bic products into one colorful Swiss Army deal, he could get his own Saturday Morning cartoon!

Charlie The Tuna

StarKist

The beatnik fish from the 60s certainly adds a splash of color to the canned food aisle, but his motivations are entirely ludicrous. Charlie The Tuna only ever wanted to be "chosen" by the StarKist Tuna Company -- that means homie wants to get mashed up and packed into a tin. I'm the last person to kink shame but damn. 

Tarzan Listerine

Listerine

In the early 90s Listerine employed surprisingly competent computer animation to depict the bottle doing things like fighting germs in a boxing ring or swinging on vines in the jungle to the tune of Baltimora's "Tarzan Boy". (For years I didn't know know it was a real song, just a commercial jingle.) My complaint is that, despite its bright mint green color (or sometimes pee yellow color) a Listerine bottle (particularly the label) is ugly - like a big Surgeon General's warning reconfigured into an eye chart. 

Herbie the Hot Pocket

Hot Pockets

He flies under the radar but you can still spot him somewhere on the box - though you really have to search, because Herbie the Hot Pocket is just that: a nearly-formless brown mass free of substance or personality (except, of course, for his sunglasses). Maybe his dullness is meant to be ironic, but Hot Pockets's parent company is Nestlé and last I checked they don't have a sense of humor. 

Mr. Red

The Cincinnati Reds

He's not the only mascot with a baseball for a head, but he's perhaps the first. To be fair, I don't particularly dislike anything about Mr. Red but when you hold him up against the other MLB mascots he begins to fade into the background; he's competing against birds, a dinosaur, an alien, and various bizarre monsters that look like they crawled out of the Sid and Marty Krofft workshop and onto the field. Suddenly "Baseball Man" seems kinda boring. 

Chicle Tabs

Chicle Tabs Chewing Gum

Chicle Tabs are like store brand Chiclets that you'd primarily find in vending machines where you could get a handful after dropping in a quarter. I'm sure my cynicism has something to do with when I grew up but I have a case of surfboards and shades fatigue; it's such a transparent effort to be hip that I can't help but roll my eyes. This is actually their older iteration, which comparatively was way better than how they look today...

The threatening gaze of a strung out addict

Various

Pictured here are the chilling contemporary depictions of Frosted Mini Wheats, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Apple Jacks. But this weak and obnoxious style goes beyond cereal, reaching as far as Jolly Ranchers, SpaghettiOs, and the modern portrayal of The Chicle Tabs. It's ugly, but the acceptance and persistence of this widespread trend of hackneyed artwork is uglier. 

GROOVE APPROVED