TRASH STASH : issue 018

babes

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1980: Give the past the slip

"The only thing new in the world is the history you do not know."

- Harry S. Truman

The main reason I started exploring these anniversary milestones was as an excuse to reminisce about the major pop culture events that I was there for; a means to keep a journal for the stuff I should've journaled the first time. Lately I've been moving away from my own timeline into years I have no emotional connection to - either because I was too young to remember or I just hadn't yet been born. As a result it's forced me to get more philosophical and abstract (and probably pretentious) about trying to conure up some objective sense of nostalgia for all of us to share, but really it's just my lust for history gussied up into some Kumbaya singalong we can all participate in. It sucks showing up to the party only to find out you missed its peak -- and so I'm here to learn about the past, and I'm condemning myself to repeat it. 

 

Same as the start of any decade (in the 20th century at least), the fashions and feels of the previous era bleed into the next one in nebulous ways. TV shows like Little on the Prairie and Alice were still cracking the Top 10 in ratings, Barbra Streisand and Bob Seger were topping the charts in record sales, and popular songs like "Upside Down" by Diana Ross and "Funkytown" by Lipps Inc. felt very much like a culture we were about to leave behind. But while some things remained as jarring reminders of the 1970s, there were plenty of totally tubular debuts that became synonymous with The Reagan Era. Pac-Man and The Rubik's Cube were released globally. U2, Iron Maiden, and The Sugarhill Gang released their debut albums. Magnum P. I. and Bosom Buddies premiered. John Lennon was killed. Mount St. Helens erupted. The Iraq-Iran War began. And, Ronald Regan was elected President of the U.S. The aftertaste of bell-bottoms and Disco was certainly still swishing around the zeitgeist, but the decade of brash greed and big hair was breakin' its way into history one power move at a time. 

 

In today's culture, "The 1980s" has practically become a brandname as recognizable and marketable as Nike and Nintendo. The phrase itself conjures up a lotta stylized imagery and audio that, while they may be clichés, are all rooted in very real aesthetics/institutions/scenarios; you could've walked out of a matinee of Friday the 13th as you cranked Gary Numan on your Sony Walkman on your way to 7-Eleven for some Jell-O Pudding Pops, all before the end of Year Zero. But unless you were entirely hip and persistently progressive, you were still riding the vibes of the 70s; with Carter still in office and The Doobies still on the dial it was hard to tell which way was forward. Surprisingly, one avenue that seemed to be largely directionless was the movies. 

 

Mainstream American Cinema is like chips & dip to me - particularly when I was younger. That's actually true for most of the planet, and it was especially true in the big splashy era that was The 80s. But from my own point of view, the razzle-dazzle was not yet present at the beginning of the decade, and frankly the hard-hitting originality of The 70s had also faded away - at least as far as Hollywood was concerned. I will point out that three monumental, iconic American Comedies were released that year, and I suppose that's a pretty impressive legacy. But for me, 1980 was most notable for European Horror: an intermingled parade of cannibals, zombies, witches, and ghosts that found their way to The States - in fictional and literal terms. There were a few significant shocks from the U.S. but many of them were incredibly tame and immensely boring - especially when held up against the splatter that would inspire the eventual subgenre that became "80s Horror" and turned me and everyone else in my generation into confirmed ghost story and horror film addicts. 

- Paul

1. The Fog

In a time when "spookiness" began to fall out of favor, a master of the medium was gaining momentum, and his grasp of mood may've peaked right here; when a writer/director also composes their own music score, you're entirely at the mercy of their world. It's so fitting that it's an honest-to-god campfire tale because I grew up with this movie and so its urban legend angle still works on me with those same childhood chills. 

2. STAR WARS: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back

The original movie brought fun and optimism to the gritty 1970s cinematic landscape. Ironically, its sequel brought forbidding bitter pills to kick off the safe decade of happily-ever-afters. But this was most exciting because this world was still brand new; unlike Superman or James Bond, we couldn't be sure how menacing it could get, and they wielded that power like a Master Jedi. 

3. City of the Living Dead

It's my favorite zombie movie - if you can even call them that; they seem to have a variety of super powers that allows them to move through walls and eviscerate victims telepathically. (And you thought running zombies were trouble.) There's so much grotesque creativity in this movie and it's executed with such excess that it's nearly a Comedy. It goes hard, in a way mainstream Film no longer does. 

4. The Shining

There's barely a single frame in the whole picture that isn't recognizable and/or renowned -- even the dissolves and title cards are championed. I call attention to that because that's exactly how is should be; you could say Kubrick quite possibly had an eye for detail, but I'd be quick to nominate this movie as his most meticulous in terms of poise and precision. Like a spine-tingling symphony. 

5. The Blues Brothers

You'd undoubtedly find this in the Comedy section, but I'll be damned if it isn't one of the best Action Movies of the year and maybe all time. Even the music (which is aces) takes a backseat to the car carnage that honestly gets overlooked on all the Car Chase Movie lists. 

6. Airplane!

Like Strangelove before it, this parody has proven to have more longevity than the material it's spoofing. The funniest part is that I didn't know any of the Airport movies when I was little so I actually got caught up in the drama of the food poisoning, war flashbacks, and glue sniffing. 

7. Caddyshack

Save for its tedious youth subplot it's like a greatest hits album of 1980 comedians - or at least one of those cereal variety packs. Even as a kid I thought the gopher puppet was lame, and as an adult I've finally reached the point where I think Ted Knight gives the funniest performance. 

8. Zombie Holocaust

Zombies vs. Cannibals: everyone loses, the audience wins! Not to be confused with Dr. Butcher M.D. which is a shorter cut of this film and does not feature Nico Fidenco's music - which is notable to me as it's in my Top 5 movie scores of all time. 

9. Times Square

If I didn't know any better I'd swear this movie was made just as an excuse to showcase Robin Johnson's virtuoso acting abilities; I'm never entirely convinced this isn't some documentary about this vibrant troubled teen and they just built a story around her (accompanied by one of my Top 5 soundtracks of all time). 

10. The Elephant Man

Regardless of costumes and context, most Period Films can never fully disguise their actual year of production. Watching this movie I'm only ever convinced I'm looking at Victorian England -- at the very least there's nothing here that indicates "Another One Bites the Dust" was on the radio while it played in theaters. 

11. Canibal Apocalypse

A truly bombastic title for a movie that is actually pretty intimate and illuminating. Really it's a Vietnam Movie in the vein of Rolling Thunder and Deer Hunter - for all I know the cannibalism plot is just a metaphor for postwar trauma. 

12. Inferno

I've seen this movie several times and I still don't know what's going on - yet it always has me on the edge of my seat. Elaborate set pieces, profound cinematography, genuine surprises, and disgusting brutality is truly more than enough to make compelling Cinema. 

13. Nightmare City

Diabolical zombies that punch and kick and stab and shoot guns, all in addition to their normal flesh eating habits - it's just as unpredictable to the movie's victims as it is to the audience. 

14. Raging Bull

I embraced this movie in a big way, back in my film school days but I eventually lost touch with the melodramatic side of it. But still, all the sequences in the ring truly are some of the greatest spectacles Marty's ever pulled off. 

15. Alligator

Not since Jaws has a Creature Feature managed to be so effortlessly engrossing with minimal use of a creature. Robert Forster headlines a cast of character actors in what is largely a satisfying police procedural. It's just a bonus that the rarely-seen alligator does, indeed, kick ass. 

16. Christmas Evil

With the Slasher boom already beginning to take "shape", this grim allegory went off in a different, better direction that focused less on mindless casualties and more on the sad degeneration of its lead "monster". It's also an aggressively Christmassy Christmas Movie. 

17. Dressed to Kill

Whenever I review any Brian DePalma movie, I declare it to be "his most Brian Depalma movie" -- but I really mean it this time. More than any of the others, this film dares you to not take it seriously. And whether you do or don't, you're gonna enjoy it either way. 

18. Humanoids From the Deep

Whenever I hear "low budget 80s Monster Movie" it's always cooler in my head than what they put on the screen. Humanoids actually fulfills my expectations in most areas - particularly the monsters themselves (designed and created by Fog maestro Rob Bottin). 

19. The Godsend

Evil kid situations usually get dragged down in a lotta exposition and plot. This is a refreshing take (for any genre) that maintains its eerie mystery while managing to unfold at an alarming pace. Also the kids in these kindsa movies can sometimes come off as annoying, but this little girl is super sinister. 

20. Cannibal Holocaust

I adored it for its cinematography and music score - and I still very much do. I'll always hesitate revisiting it without shielding my eyes with my hands - so I'm forced to make a compromise, because the movie does not. 

STATIC SHOTS

1980

I SAW IT ON TAPE - Sidekicks

When I was a kid, we moved around a lot, all within the parameters of eastern southern New Hampshire. When my Mom met my step Dad, the goal for them was to get out of small city apartment living and graduate to home ownership in the deep woods. In the summer between 6th and 7th grade, he achieved his desired financial readiness, and off to east bumfuck we were.

  We were just far enough away from where we were living that it was a permanent goodbye to my old friends and mild popularity. School had just ended, and with trees the only thing to talk to, I was getting lonely fast. The street we moved onto was 7 miles long so I jumped onto my bike and headed out in search of prepubescent civilization. 

  There was a whole lotta nothing and it was burning hot, so I was about to turn around when I saw, a girl! She appeared to be my shape and size which was fine by me. She did, however, have a basketball, and seemed sporty in style. My mom made me do basketball in 6th grade so while I wasn't the greatest player in the world, I could hold my own. I approached cautiously but optimistically. Her name was Nicole and she was just as glad to find a friend in the neighborhood as I was. She wanted to take me on a bike ride to show me the town. 

   Downtown consisted of her church, a store the size of small bathroom, and a public library that was only open two days a week. We had no street lights, no malls, no restaurants, no fun whatsoever. But she seemed nice and I was happy to have her. Our eagerness to keep our newly found friendship going extended to a sleepover invite. She informed me that she had a large family with a lot of kids, which sounded like medicine to my pathetic soul. 

  When I walked in, I was less greeted and more clobbered by her 16(!) brothers and sisters - two of which were pregnant with their own offspring. Her Father was feeding a baby and her Mother was, well, maintaining sanity with a cigarette in her hand. Some of her siblings were adopted and some had a range of mild to severe disabilities. They pitched in and took care of each other. 

  Walking me through their worn house I was brought to her room, which even though it was an interior room without any windows, she informed that it was a luxury space that she had all to herself. It was teeny and had just enough space for a set of bunk beds and an end table with a lamp without a shade. I was to have the bottom bunk which did not have a sheet on it or a blanket. Trying out my bed, I was greeted by a very angry spring that was going to burrow its way into my back that night.

  Then she lead me through the house to a large living room with several tattered couches with varying stains, holes, and thread bare blankets. Kids of all ages were climbing on me and wrestling me to the floor. All of them yelling or whispering my name like I was some kind of celebrity. It was loud and chaotic, and may be the first time I felt true anxiety. 

  The Matriarch of the family entered and a great hush fell upon the room. It was time for her to prepare dinner, which meant "movie time." The silence became a chorus of children chanting "Sidekicks! Sidekicks! Sidekicks!" I was peripherally aware of the Jonathan Brandis movie, but hadn't seen it. I found a place on a sofa and watched the mob of dirty kids crowd around me as she put in the tape.

  At first I was amazed at how engrossed they all were. Staring at the small old tv like they were watching the moon landing. In actuality they were looking at Chuck Norris's karate moves, which to be honest, is just as awe inspiring. At first I found the character of Barry to be relatable, in that he uses his imagination to make Chuck Norris his friend, filling a deep void. I did the same when I was 6 with Beetlejuice, even going as far as buckling his action figure up beside me in the car to ensure he wouldn't get hurt in any potential car crashes. Now that I'm an adult though, I'm more convinced that Barry is suffering from delusions, considering his more advanced teen age.

  I could see how the film would resonate with this family. It's action-packed and can distract long enough for a Mom to make food for a zillion people, while it remains vanilla in its violence. This being a deeply spiritual Christian family, that would be important to them. And while the climax is silly, they defeat what can be perceived as the evil doers. 

  After the movie we were all ushered into the kitchen which had large wooden picnic tables. We were all portioned a cup of spaghetti and a glass of water. Everyone was promptly sent to bed at 7:30. Lying there wide awake with the bedspring happy in its place, I made it another half hour before calling my mom, and faking an illness to go home. I couldn't hack it. Every family is different and not without its own absurdity. 

- Babes

ROGER CORMAN and CHEESE part X: "Crime Zone" and Cheez-It Italian Four Cheese Pizza

The sort of convenience of the "B-Movie" is that you were stuck with it -- you'd paid your money, you had your seat (or parking spot), you'd already taken in the headline feature, and now it was time for the wild card. Cut to decades later and it's 12:05 am and you're watching HBO or USA or TNT and you're definitely in for the evening but don't plan on sleeping -- they had specific low budget exploitative programming for that scenario too. It's only when it came to physical media, and now streaming, that we were given the option to seek out and commit to these ham & cheese heroes spunky cinema. And it's only the purveyors and connoisseurs of the Fine Arts like you and us who know what to look for and where to find it. 

To describe a film as a "Roger Corman Movie" is actually a pretty broad descriptor; while they all have a lotta elements in common they fell under a pretty wide spectrum of genres (and subgenres, and sub-subgenres). Crime Zone from 1988 falls into the Bleak Urban Orwellian Future category - you know, where everything takes place in damp warehouses. It very much wants to be Blade Runner but really it shares a shelf with 1988's Space Mutiny; a futuristic police state where all the wacky laws are told to us through expository dialogue. Ultimately all that translates to is trench coats and concrete interiors with enough neon signs to make you think someone in the art department had a glass blowing studio in their apartment. The movie stars Sherilyn Fenn and Peter Nelson as an outlaw couple who decide to rage against the machine with the help of a morally ambiguous David Carradine. Big or small budget, this setup can be pretty tedious -- and Crime Zone is no exception. If anything this type of setting can usually allow room for some striking visuals, but the cheapness of the production is literally left in the dark - to the point that hardly anything is visible. Like a lotta Corman movies, it was "based on an idea" he had, and then no one really bothered to fill in the blanks. 

A lot can be said for new or crazy or exciting "ideas" but putting them into action in a competent way is where the magic happens. Elaine Benes one said "It'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza." Nearly three decades later and here we are, putting mozzarella, cheddar, parmesan, romano, and tomato sauce on a giant cheese cracker - but not just any cracker, a big ass Cheez-It! To be fair, it's just a Cheez-It-flavored crust -- and to be even more fair, it totally does taste like a Cheez-It. If you go into it blindly it might not be immediately recognizable under all the toppings, but if you're intellectually prepared it hits hard and fast. The trick it to cook it exactly long enough to make it as crispy as the cracker from which it derives... if that's what you're going for. This is a good opportunity to point out that the democracy of this series dictates that we're to determine a letter grade average for these subjects, and there was a sizable difference of opinion when it came to this pizza. But from any vantage point, if you want a pizza made from Cheez-Its, this is as real as it gets. 

The Movie: D+

The Pizza: C

20 Fake Boobs

Tits. Jugs. Knockers. Hooters. Magumbos. Snack Trays. And about 50 million more. As much as I'd like to compile a list of favorite Topless Scenes in Cinema, this felt more challenging (and also less vulgar): miscellaneous moments when some breasts were used for laughs, for shock, or for set design - and they've all been augmented to be not quite what they seem. (No Big Naturals here, folks!) It's not difficult to understand but those who skipped this intro are gonna be confused. They deserve what they get. 

9 scenes. 20 breasts. Do the math. 

- Paul

Being John Malkovich

The script only describes her as "the woman across the table" but the slow tilt up to the seductive Malkovich smile is only further punctuated by his amazing rack. 

F/X 2

In order to catch a serial killer, Officer Mike Brandon must stand in for a potential next victim by posing as a vulnerable-but-busty shower babe. Bonus: you can use the nipples to call for backup. 

Bachelor Party

Tom Hanks battles various voices of reason while trying to not be overwhelmed by Monique Gabrielle's most noticeable assets.

The NeverEnding Story

This is when Family Films had balls (and boobs). Nevermind the bloodthirsty wolf or dead horse or the total annihilation of Fantasia - the most confrontational element of this movie are the big firm breasts of the Southern Oracle. We were all taken with them, though we never said it out loud. 

Fight Club

"Guys with boobs" as a gag is pretty flat (no pun), but Meat Loaf as a supporting character in a Gen X cautionary tale of consumerism and nihilism sporting giant fake bosoms is frankly the kinda Cinema we don't do much of anymore. 

Night of the Demons

Speaking of Groundbreaking Film -- a possessed Linnea Quigley applies a lipstick heart over her entire face and then inserts the lipstick tube into her left breast via the nipple. Audiences today couldn't comprehend this level of brilliance.  

Dumb and Dumber

While moments away from a head-on traffic collision, Lloyd becomes a deer in Mary Swanson's headlights. There are several puns happening at once, but it's also possible Lloyd has never seen real breasts outside of Rhode Island Slut. 

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

Kaiju mammaries! Actually juts one singular massive natural courtesy of mad scientist John Carradine satirizing the genre he helped build -- with boobs. 

Total Recall

I'll admit it: I've only ever had trouble getting past the phoniness of it, and the idea of the deformity itself was slightly too odd to be sexy. But I'm an ass man so what do I know? 

l.a.times #8

STATIC SHOTS

Summer vacation 2025

FRENCH FRIES and FULL MOON FEATURES part I: "Puppet Master" and McCain Smiles

Hello, and welcome to yet another continuing series that involves us watching stuff and eating things -- because that's all we do anyway so why not make it your problem? As strongly implied by the title, we're buying bags of frozen french fries and cookin' 'em at 425 as we indulge in the low budget library that is Full Moon Features - the Home Video production company started by Charles Band in 1988. We don't like to impose a ton of "rules" in these lighthearted shenanigans but for consistency's sake we're sticking to the films actually produced by the studio and excluding all the previous Charles Band/Empire Pictures releases. That may seem irrelevant but we point it out as a way to call attention to the fact that this leaves us nearly 150 features to wade through (with more likely on the way). 

For fun (because that's the whole point) we begin this program at the very beginning with the very first Full Moon Production, 1989's Puppet Master. A wildly successful video rental (in "cult" terms) that has generated 14 sequels/spinoffs (thus far), it became the sorta symbol for the whole company; the name and its killer dolls are basically the Micky Mouse of Full Moon. In all honesty, we've seen this movie a handful of times already, and up to and including this most recent viewing, we just can't warm up to it - let alone comprehend its popularity. The premise involves a small group of psychics meeting together at a hotel where William Hickey made some possessed dolls 50 years earlier. The dolls have been freed from their tomb and are killing off the principal players one by one - but really there's only like five characters and two of them survive, so you could say there's some padding. Actually the whole movie could be described as padding: just a formless, convoluted pillow to fall asleep on. That's why its cult status as a video rental is so confounding - the movie's way too boring to create any sorta "party" atmosphere, and the four or five dolls (as cool looking as they are) don't really do much with their minimal screentime. Though while you wouldn't call this movie traditionally "atmospheric", it does establish the unique Full Moon mood that's ultimately present in all of their films.

To pair with this classic of Home Entertainment we chose a classic from Home Cuisine: The Smiley Fry. Several brands have tried their hand at this whimsical shape but McCain did it first in the 1970s and that's the label we've chosen to match our "original" movie. For us (like many) these fries have an air of childhood about them - no specific memories but the nostalgia is there. But clearly we've never cooked them ourselves as an adult because the same rules don't apply to these as regular french fries. We like our potatoes crispy, so when it comes to frozen fries we always add at least another 10 minutes to the suggested baking time. Apparently, Smiles are so dense that their innards dry out before the faces ever achieve that golden brown we're looking for; we wanted them to be something that God never intended, so in the end that's our folly. Still, one could only imagine how good these would've been had they not turned into tater-flavored wallpaper paste. 

The Movie: D+

The Fries: C-