STATIC SHOTS

Dog Day '92

The time on the cable box reads 9:37. That feels too early, I hate waking up when there's three numbers on the clock instead of four. What day is it? It's either Wednesday or Thursday. Even on vacation the weekdays all feel the same and I spend them looking forward to the weekend so I can get back to Ronny's house and keep working on A Link to the Past. The goal is to beat it by the end of summer and August is starting to give me the Sunday Night Blues. We've already rescued the Seven Sages and we have no idea how many levels are left, but between swimming in the pool and vacations in Maine and all the new Nickelodeon shows on Saturday nights, we might not get there before school starts. 

But now I'm up, and I go downstairs where Mom's in the parlor with Donahue on the TV and Teika on the couch next to her, but she's not really watching it, she's more into the TV Guide crossword at the moment so I can put on whatever I want. First place I go is channel 13 - Nickelodeon. David the Gnome is on. Man, I haven't watched this since Kindergarten, and I watched the hell out of it back then, but looking at it now it feels like such a baby show compared to Ren & Stimpy. I check WNDS because I know it's time for back-to-back Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, but it's a black & white Bewitched so I keep flipping. I go to channel 23, VH1, because there's always a good chance they're playing Queen stuff - especially since Wayne's World came out in February, and even more now that it just came out on tape. Sure enough, they're playing the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert again. It's cool, but I'd rather see old music videos and documentaries with the whole band. But I leave this on while I eat my Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and wait for George Michael to sing "Somebody to Love". That's the best part. 

It's sunny out. It's hot but it's early so there's lots of shade from the trees. There's nothing really to do outside except maybe ride my bike to Bennett Store, which I've done twice already this week so I have to find a way to ask for more money. At this rate there's no way I'm gonna get the complete set of the Batman Returns cards, but I'm still gonna try to get a pack every chance I get. I also need to replace my pouch of Big League Chew that's all melted together. Really though, the main reason I wanna go to the store is to buy more Coke in glass bottles, which is not a secret to Mom. I'm sure I've already spent close to $10 this week just on those bottles, but you have to understand, I've waited my whole life for this - an entire 9½ years wishing I could drink soda out of those beautiful, old-fashioned bottles like they do in the movies. I've been filling my empties with Coke from the plastic 2 liter in the fridge but it's obviously not the same - the excitement of prying the bottle cap, the sweat dripping down the curves, even the taste is different. Mom gets it, kinda, and she's been very generous so far but she keeps reminding me that she's not gonna give money every day for this. But I ask anyways -- actually, I ask if I can go get a ham & cheese grinder, and those are $2.25, so if she has a five dollar bill she'll most likely let me have the whole thing. Also this way she doesn't have to make me lunch. She knows this, and so she gives me a ten(!), but wants five back. I have to make this count.

I decide to walk to the store. Every time I ride my bike I feel nervous about leaving it outside and so I feel rushed. I can't rush today, I have exactly $5 to spend and I need to figure out the math (but I'm sure a couple extra quarters will be ok). It's not quite noon yet, and it takes only three minutes to walk there (two if I cut through the trees behind Bennett School) but I'm already sweating by the time I get to the store. Even the giant wooden screen door doesn't let enough fresh air into the place to be comfortable. Thankfully I'm the only customer in this tiny space but it's still humid and smells like potato salad. I walk over to the the tall deli counter and ignore the pile of wrapped sandwiches behind the glass because mine has to be specially made. "Ham and cheese grinder with just mayo. That's it!" The lady knows this, but I know if I don't ask specifically then they will mess it up - I hate picking off tiny little strings of lettuce. While it's being made I go into the walk-in cooler to get what I really came for. I let the door close behind me and just spend some time letting the frosty air cool my sweat. It's like a neat clubhouse in here - dim lighting, surrounded by Apple Slice and Crystal Pepsi, protected by a giant door that looks like a bank vault. And just then the old guy who works here opens the door and sees me standing there. "Nice and cool in here, huh?!" He's not mad, but I grab my single 8 oz glass bottle of Coca-Cola and head back out into the store. This should leave me with $1.50 (I think). The reason my Big League Chew melted was probably because I got bored with it - I need something new. Fruit Stripe? Cinn-a-Burst? Bubble Tape is basically Big League Chew in a different shape so that's out. Bart's really got me into Butterfingers lately but I got a whole bag of fun size ones at home. Everything else here is dumb; bubblegum cigar, Tootsie Pop, plastic army men with plastic parachutes... oh man, the Batman Returns cards are sold out?! Who else in this neighborhood is buying these except for me? Obviously I don't want these Ninja Turtles III or Star Trek Next Generation packs, and I'm not alone because there's a million of them left. I can't waste this extra money but I'm not excited about any of this stuff -- except for the Coke... Right! I'll get another bottle! That way I don't have to figure out another excuse tomorrow to come back here. A second bottle makes good financial sense. 

I get back with my grinder, my two Cokes, and Mom's change. I explain my decision to her about the extra soda and she says "okay" in a "that's fine" kinda way. I feel so rich having two unopened bottles! I couldn't imagine what it's like having a whole six pack - I'd probably never open them and just display them somewhere so I could look at them all the time. But I have no problem opening these - half the fun is drinking out of them. I open one with the fridge magnet bottle opener and take my ham & cheese and get set up in the parlor and try to find something on TV - hopefully a movie. I check HBO... Mannequin 2: On the Move. I hate Mannequin 2 - why don't they play part one anymore? Next I go to Cinemax... Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach - this one will definitely do. I don't know why I like watching it, none of the jokes are even funny and a lot of the acting is really annoying, but all the beach and pool stuff really feels like Summertime. I can't explain why that makes a difference to me but it does. I only watch enough to finish my sandwich and soda, and that gives me 30 minutes of Nintendo time before Mom watches All My Children at 1:00. It's not like I'm trying to beat something, I've been playing Gremlins 2 with the Game Genie and I've been using the "Infinite Lives" code and the "Don't Take Damage" code (though I guess I don't really need both). I haven't made it all the way through yet but knowing I can't die makes it feel like I've already beaten it. Still, I wanna see the Mohawk Spider Gremlin at the end. 

All My Children comes on. I haven't been into it as much since we found out it was Janet who murdered Will. All the other stories in the show just haven't been as cool. I still sorta half watch, but I'm paying more attention to finishing my Batman Returns comic book. Since I can't go back to the movies every day, I'm trying to draw the movie scenes on paper like a comic book. I've had to do it in two volumes because I couldn't staple that many pages together, but that gave me an excuse to make a whole second cover. But I'm almost done - I'm getting to the part where Batman drives the water skier through the sewer to get The Penguin, but first he has to put on all the pieces of his costume. 

I keep seeing commercials for a new Batman cartoon! It's weird to actually look forward to something in September, but this show kind of looks like the movies - they even use the Danny Elfman music (I hope they actually use it in the show and not just the commercials). But now All My Children is over and the TV is mine again. I flip around a bit and I find more Bewitched but I'm not in the mood - that's more of a morning show. Heathcliff is on Nickelodeon but I'm so tired of it, I think I've seen every episode twice. I go to Prevue Guide on channel 41, just to make it easier, but I also like watching it - mostly for the movie previews they play all day. Looks like there's mostly nothing on right now, but I'm still waiting for the scroll to get to channel 45 to see if anything good will be on HBO in the next hour... Yes! Naked Gun 2½ is on at 2:35! I guess I could watch Heathcliff till then but I'm having a much better time watching commercials for Soapdish and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over and over again. 

3:00 rolls around. This is about the time I'd usually be getting home from school so out of habit I have to check the other channels just to see if something better is on. The Disney Afternoon just started on channel 38 which means DuckTales just started, and it's a really good one: it's the one where Gyro invents a kinda stopwatch that freezes time and then the Beagle Boys steal it and use it to take all the money out of Scrooge's money bin. Honestly if I had an invention like that I'd probably steal stuff too - all the tapes from Strawberries, all the action figures from Toy Works, and all the baseball cards from Hall of Fame. Well, maybe not all - just enough so that nobody gets in trouble. I stop daydreaming and suddenly it's 3:30 and Chip 'n Dale is starting. I stay for the theme song because it's awesome, but I flip around before the show starts because it's boring and I find Merrie Melodies on channel 39. It's one of those old musical ones with characters I don't even know. So I check Nickelodeon and it's Looney Tunes -- I never knew what the difference was between this and Merrie Melodies. But today Looney Tunes is a Coyote and Roadrunner episode so I stick with it. 

By 4 I've completely forgotten about Naked Gun and now I make my daily choice between Tiny Toons on channel 39 and Beetlejuice on 25. I go to Tiny Toons first because I've been watching that pretty much every day. I end up staying there, sitting through every Creepy Crawler and Super Soaker commercial until Ninja Turtles starts at 4:30. It's the one where Irma turns into a giant. I like Irma but she's so annoying in this episode. Whatever, it's the only good thing on right now and Dad will be home soon so I only have the TV for a little bit longer. Usually I'd get to watch the Mario Super Show at 5 and Saved by the Bell at 5:30 because Oprah was on channel 5 for that whole hour and nobody watches that, but now both parents keep checking all the other news channels for "election updates". Voting is still like three months away, I don't get why we have to watch stuff about it now. 

Dad has coffee and writes in his journal, which means I get to finish Mario and start watching Saved by the Bell - it's one of the ones where they all work at the Malibu Sands Beach Resort. These episodes are weird, I miss Mr. Belding. It's 20 minutes till supper and I ask Dad if we can go hit the ball down at Bennett Field. We've been doing that a lot this summer, ever since A League of Their Own came out last month. He says there's not enough time but we can play catch in the backyard "for a few". The sun's already going going down earlier than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still hot, and bright enough to see the ball through the shadows of the trees. In case for some reason I can't sleep over Ronny's this weekend I ask if maybe we can go to the movies on Saturday. There's nothing really exciting coming out but if we do end up going we agree that Stay Tuned looks kinda funny. 

We come in and Dad watches about 5 minutes of Peter Jennings before the rigatoni is on the dining room table. Teika sits at my feet during supper, quietly and patiently waiting for any kind of food. I know not to give him garlic bread because that turns into a night of stinky farts, so I slip him buttered pasta. I try to be quiet about it but he chews so friggin' loud that we can't keep it a secret. No one's mad, Mom's just pretend mad. The same way I'm pretend mad that she didn't make any brownies. Or that I have to take a bath - which I guess is ok, I can't even remember what day I took my last one. So after supper I take the world's fastest bath and only miss the first 10 minutes of the first episode of Married... With Children, but I get to see all of the second episode at 7:30 which is great because it's the two-parter where they go to the gold mine and I like the second part more. And then Married... With Children goes right into The Simpsons at 8. It's the softball episode which is cool because it has all my favorite baseball players, but I'm tired of repeats all summer long and I have to wait more than a month for the new Simpsons season to start. 

Mom's still in the dining room doing bills at 8:30 when Superman comes on Nick at Nite. This show makes me laugh, it's so stupid. It's weird people used to think it was cool when it was new (but I don't think Superman's cool anyway). By 9 Mom's on the couch and it's time for Get Smart. It's like the opposite of Superman - it's cool that old shows could be this funny on purpose. The same goes for Dick Van Dyke which is on at 9:30. I'd say it's definitely my favorite right now - it's the one where Rob and Laura are at a hotel and Laura gets her foot stuck in the bathtub and Rob draws a mustache on his face in permanent marker. I guess the only bad thing about Dick Van Dyke is that when it's over that means it's time for bed. Although bedtime actually means two episodes of All in the Family on WNDS. After Al Kaprielian's weather report, the first episode is when Archie accidentally gives George a fake $20 bill. I never knew that some money could actually be fake - I'm gonna start reading every word on every bill I see from now on. 

The second one is when Mike is about to graduate from college and then doesn't. I wouldn't say I'm wicked tired but I am sorta closing my eyes during the commercials and even a little bit during the show - I'm starting to hear the laugh track more than the jokes. At 11 I check VH1 once more for Queen stuff, but it's Standup Spotlight instead. The volume's too low to hear what the comedian is saying, or maybe it's because I missed the beginning of the joke, but I can't understand anything that's going on. Maybe I actually am tired. I guess I should start trying to fall asleep earlier, I'm gonna have to start getting up early again in a couple weeks. I really hope Fourth Grade is way better than Third, but more than that I'll miss getting up late. I'll miss going to the store any time I want. I'll miss playing hours of Tetris and Mario 3 before lunch. I'll miss being with Mom. And I'll definitely miss a lotta TV shows. 

- Paul

WEIRD STUFF :: The Making of SUPERNOVA (2000)

It's been almost two years since my last WEIRD STUFF entry -- I guess things have just been too normal around here. But there's something that's been on my mind for a while now - actually since late 2024, around the time Megalopolis began its limited theatrical run on limited screens and everyone began to revisit (and sometimes reevaluate) Francis Ford Coppola's filmography. I admit I took a glance at the master filmmaker's lineup; intellectually I already knew where the strong points were as well as the weaker areas (at least by my measure) and so I sorta shamelessly (but privately) tried to weigh his worth with movies of his I liked vs. movies I didn't. And in scrolling through his resume I found something of an anomaly - at least to me. 

When I bring you "weird stuff", sometimes it's personal information that you otherwise wouldn't have known. And sometimes it's information that's already public record but is entirely new to me... Like the fact that the 2000 Science Fiction farce Supernova is credited with three different directors: Walter Hill, Jack Sholder, and Francis Ford Coppola. 

If you're already aware of this, sorry to hit you with old news, but you could've alerted me to this bizarre factoid and all its sordid details. The script was reworked and built up and torn down and molested by a parade of screenwriters before it ended up in the hands of a reluctant Jack Sholder, who was immediately replaced by Walter Hill at the insistence of star James Spader. Hill shot the entire movie and previewed a final cut (minus FX shots) to a test audience - who hated it. Based on that, MGM then rehired Jack Sholder to do the whole reshoot and recut thing, which included adding new scenes, cutting old scenes, and replacing the music score entirely. 

By the time Sholder's polish was complete, MGM was under new management, and the new bosses didn't like Sholder's version either and so they pleaded with Walter Hill to return. Hill told them he'd need $5 million to make enough changes to salvage the film, and so they declined. Instead, they brought on Francis Ford Coppola who required only $1 million to perform yet another re-edit -- one that would include a truly bizarre and ambitious change to the movie, but ultimately made no difference whatsoever. It's tough to determine who had the idea or why it needed attention, but this final edit took an existing sex scene between Peter Facinelli and Robin Tunney and CGI'd it into a sex scene between James Spader and Angela Bassett - digitally swapping out the actors' faces and, of course, skin color. 

Honestly the only reason I ever took a mild interest in this movie was the potential possibility of an exposed Robin Tunney - which, in fact, there is, both in and out of the guise of Ms. Bassett. But that doesn't save the film. Its stellar cast, which also includes Lou Diamond Phillips and Robert Forster, can't even generate enough magic to make it excusable; if anything it makes it that much more embarrassing. I'm being more than fair by pointing out that I'm not really into this genre or subject matter even when it's at its best, but I'm perceptive enough to look past the silly spaceship premise and recognize it as the truly bad movie it is; not even really "so bad it's funny" but more like "so bad it's sad". 

The final directing credit landed on Walter Hill, under the pseudonym of Thomas Lee. And it was partly because of that pseudonym that I never gave the movie much more thought beyond the goofy garbage that it is, but now with all this added context and perspective I can't help but be a little curious to revisit it, and see if I can't recognize any shades of Freddy's Revenge, Southern Comfort, or The Conversation. Maybe if I reset my standards to be as high as possible then I can prompt some sorta physiological rush as my expectations plummet back to Earth. 

- Paul

12 (mostly) Loyal Pets

This isn't a Lassie or Willard situation. There'll be no Yearlings or friends named Flicka. These creatures didn't crave the spotlight and their relevance in the dynamics to the story ranged from fleeting to peripheral. But then they had their moment they made it all about them, and so today we show our respect to these supporting players of the Animal Kingdom. 

- Paul

Max

How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Like the Whos, Max was always on the side of good, and he was the only one to witness The Grinch's transformation. Like everything else in the 1966 animated special, the marriage of Dr. Seuss and Chuck Jones was a union forged in the starts, but the best of both worlds was most prominent in Max: he was pure Looney Tunes but without the cynicism. 

Artie

Saved by the Bell

Artie is Slater's pet chameleon. Screech and Zack babysit Artie while Slater's away for the weekend. Zack predictably kills Artie due to negligence. Because Slater had spent most of his life moving around and changing schools, Artie was the only friend he could hang onto. Perhaps his death was existentially necessary to illustrate that his Bayside friends will ultimately be his "Friends Forever". That's tough love but there was a lotta that on this show. 

Basil

A Clockwork Orange

For a young, sadistic sociopath, Alex sure had a soft spot for that snake (who clearly died under mysterious circumstances). Funny story that you've probably already heard: supposedly Kubrick got the idea to include a pet snake (which wasn't mentioned in the book) when he learned of Malcolm McDowell's phobia of them. 

Precious

The Silence of the Lambs

Real name Darla, also famously worked with John Landis, Joe Dante, and Tim Burton. But her biggest and arguably her most integral part to a plot played out here - she was used as a negotiating tactic which ultimately went nowhere, but her fate most likely involves apartment life with Catherine and her cat. 

Wildfire

Song by Michael Murphy

Here's some mellow and manipulative Adult Contemporary for you; this chart-topper from 1975 tells the story of a young lady who dies in a blizzard when she was separated from her horse, Wildfire (the horse also presumed dead). A notorious tearjerker to all the prepubescent horse girls of the mid 1970s, but as a middle-aged man in the mid 2020s I can tell you that when that chorus hits it still hits hard. 

Elvis

Miami Vice

You'd think having an alligator as a cast member would guarantee some eventual carnage, but no. Elvis knew how to act threatening but was really nothing more than a slob who was only ever one step away from sporting sunglasses and a tropical shirt. He definitely brought some lightheartedness to the vibe and was a necessary ingredient in making it the most 1980s TV that there ever was. 

Gil

What About Bob? 

I'm not sure what the symbolism was but it wasn't subtle; a "fish outta water" story maybe? At any rate a lotta emphasis is put on Gil, up to and including being a prominent part of the opening title sequence, ultimately making him the sorta mascot of the movie. 

Khartoum

The Godfather

Some symbolism is less subtle - this message was loud and clear. It's tough to determine if Jack Woltz actually cared for this horse as a pet or just as a financial asset, but I guess it doesn't matter - in either case Khartoum was doomed to pay the ultimate price. Not personal, strictly business. 

Big Al

Beverly Hills Cop II

How do you make a turtle interesting without martial arts training or pizza? Saturate it in the cool neon ambience of a Tony Scott movie. Big Al's only real function was to provide vicarious character development, so all we really learn about him is that he definitely has a sweet life surrounded by ample plant life, and that he definitely knows where his own dick is located. 

Dart

Stranger Things

The "secret pet" is such a nostalgic trope (that's obviously the point) but the twist here is that the pet does not repress its animalistic instincts to bite people's heads off. And thank god for that - the last thing this series needed was a CG slug wrestling with morality like a STAR WARS villain. 

Dicky

The Beyond

Maybe the only instance I can think of when a dog successfully chases away zombies to protect its owner. Unfortunately we're in Fulci Land so naturally Dicky decides to turn on said owner and graphically devour her. 

Tina

Napoleon Dynamite

Really I just like llamas. Like, a lot. But equally, Tina is one of the few characters in the story who isn't a complete jerk; they suggest that she's grumpy or impatient but clearly they're just projecting. 

5 Offbeat Video Game Commercials

Video game advertising in the late 80s and early 90s was an artistic movement unto itself -- especially the TV commercials, and especially from Nintendo. They sold a world of grandeur and peril and adrenaline that was always closer to the artwork on the boxes than the actual games. They were melodramatic and spooky and playful all at once - like all the best set pieces from Highlander, Total Recall, and Aliens combined into some ambitious music video environment (which we lovingly pay tribute to here). 

All that being said, the following 5 commercials have nothing to do with any of that. These are examples of the way video games made their way into other avenues of Pop Culture, along with some other properties that managed to capitalize on the craze.

After these messages, we'll be riiiight back.

- Paul

Eagle Tortilla Chips (1991)

Throughout 1991, Tony Randall and Jack Klugman tried to convince us that Eagle Tortilla Chips were better than Doritos. Can't say their attempts had any real impact, I barely remember Eagle, but I do remember Oscar shooting Felix with a Nintendo Zapper which sends him directly into a game of Duck Hunt. I'd fantasized about finding myself inside all kinds of video games around that time, but I'm sure everyone would've appreciated an opportunity to strangle that goddamn dog. 

Kellogg's Corn Pops (1993)

This was during the "Gotta Have My Pops" campaign that depicted young people spending the entire duration of a 30 second spot on the verge of a violent meltdown if they didn't get some Corn Pops cereal. (There were some crazy poisons in 90s junk food.) In addition to this Kellogg's crack, specially marked boxes came with Nintendo ID stickers, so now you and your shitty little sister didn't have to fight over whose copy of Fester's Quest is the one with the Dunkaroo frosting stain on it. 

Hot Hints Hotline (1990)

This has bounced around the internet for years so it's hard to nail down its origins. Nintendo obviously had their own licensed game tip hotline, and my 10 seconds of research mostly confirmed that this "local" commercial was off the books and possibly a scam, or scam-ola. Even still, I'd like to think some underage Nintendo wizards got together and decided to charge a fee for dispensing their wisdom over the phone, and somehow managed to produce this kickass commercial (featuring one half of The Ambiguously Gay Duo) and get it on the air. 

Nabisco Cookies (1990)

Speaking of Nintendo wizards - Nabisco held a sorta scratch-n-win promotion in which the grand prize was a trip to watch the Nintendo World Championships. They don't mention it in the commercial but the Championships (emphasis on plural) took place in 29 different U.S. cities so there was a good chance you didn't have to travel too far. They also don't mention that this was the very first nationwide Nintendo competition, which took place in the year following the theatrical release of The Wizard, and since I've never heard otherwise I like to think the movie inspired the real life contest. 

T.I.G.E.R. Paperboy (1990)

This one actually falls in line with the 90s Extreme Core Vaporwave video game vibe; it's a very lively commercial that's advertising something that's just slightly less exciting than an Etch A Sketch. T.I.G.E.R. handheld games were like Gameboys but only a fraction of the commitment and the cost; each device only played one game, so you had to make it count. Paperboy was famously monotonous and uneventful even on a home gaming system, so I'd imagine this barebones version as being something a lot less dazzling than a game of old-fashioned Pong. 

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